My Brother Has Left the Northeast

This weekend was my brother's last weekend in MA. Armed with 9 chicken salad sandwiches and more patience than any non-member of my family can imagine, he is currently driving back to the midwest (Edwardsville, IL, to be exact) with Sal. They will most likely be arriving there tomorrow. Our good-bye activities included:

1. Fabulous family dinner with just the five of us last night - I can't remember the last time just the five of us sat down for a home-cooked meal. Nostalgia is so tasty. It's sad, though, to see my parents empty-nesting. My brother, despite being extremely busy, managed to find time this past week to video tape some 8 mm film my mother's father had dating back to 1962. He set it to music. The most adorable thing is that my mother looked like an adult even at age 10.

2. Fabulous outing to Red Line on Saturday night. I organized a micro-posse of my friends to go out to Red Line in Harvard Square (which reminds me that I have to publish an old song about Red Line from about a month ago - will try to get that up tomorrow!), which has the best DJ ever on Saturday nights. He will play whatever you want, including deep hip hop cuts from the underground. Very cool. We had a great time dancing like idiots. I was trashed from 1.5 chocolate martinis, both which I spilled.

3. Fabulous field trip to the Museum of Science on Wednesday. I took, gasp, an actual vacation day and we checked out the Lord of the Rings Exhibit. The only bad thing was that I basically knew everything from watching 47 million hours of bonus behind-the-scences WETA workshop footage on the DVDs. It was still cool to see The Ring, hold a replica of Aragorn's sword, and get our photos taken in forced perspective (see below).

Listening to Clinton Is Like Sleeping With Your Ex

Genre: Cute Short Song
Date: 7.26.04



Description:

I think the title says it all. The original song had a bunch of policy-type issues in it, but I realized that all I was really trying to say was that listening to Clinton speak at the DNC made me the perfect combination of nostalgic and unnecessarily hopeful that I became delusional.

Lyrics:

I'm proposing that we revamp the US constitution
So we can reelect Bill Clinton

Listening to Clinton is like sleeping with your ex
Who you miss and who you love, with whom you fucked things up
It fixes things in the immediate
Things seem FINE when Clinton speaks
Sadly in two weeks reality sets in
You'll be reminded who you're now in bed with
And we'll all be depressed again

I'm proposing that we revamp the US consitution
So we can reelect Bill Clinton
And if you won't listen to me then
Hopefully we'll get Hillary

Climb

Genre: Emo Piano
Date: 7.30.04



Description:

This is an actual song. With verses, chorus, and even a bridge-type thing! It’s not a bridge as much as it is bookends, because it’s at the beginning and end of the song. I really like this song. It’s melancholy at first, but you should give it a try.

Nevertheless….

I went to Certain Someone’s apartment in the East Village following the three interviews this past week. He has a fabulous rooftop. I declared late in the evening that I intended to go up to the rooftop, which meant that I was going up to the rooftop alone. Not that I wanted to be alone. Certain Someone is just oblivious. I looked over the city, and began to allow the disappointment of the interviews to sink in.

He eventually appeared on the rooftop and then promptly disappeared around a corner. Certain Someone is very independent and is prone to disappearing at times unannounced and to even forgetting that I am there. You can imagine my surprise when he said “Leah!” I followed his voice and found him climbing a ladder to an even higher point on the rooftop.

I joined him. Breathtaking. There was nothing above us. We were above everything – the people, the city, the other rooftops, the world. It’s not like when you’re lying in a field and you look up and get lost in the sky and stars because there are no trees in your way. It’s like that, except you are lying on concrete and you don’t get lost in the sky, because the sky doesn’t look like the sky. You can’t tell what it is. You can barely see stars, and there is smoke and colors and depth and confusion. It’s amazing.

Up there, I really did get lost. It made me so happy and so sad. It was soothing, because up there I thought “This makes me happy.” Uncompromisingly happy. There is no question in mind that this is what I want. And then so upsetting, because the full reality of that not happening any time in the near future hit me. “This makes me happy, but I cannot have this.”

The disappointment made me want to cry. Or laugh. Or jump. Or jump on him. I did none of these things. I didn’t want to be Dramatic, Melancholy, or Vulnerable. Instead, as always, I opted for Aloof. I desperately wanted him to say “Are you ok?” Then I could say “Actually, no, I’m not.” And then maybe he’d give me a hug or smile or say something like “It will work out.” But he never asks.

Lyrics:

Its so much more lonely when you feel lonely
When you’re with someone else
Than if you feel lonely when you’re just lonely

I’ll never forget what this looks like
A rooftop, the summer, you and me above the world
I’ve never seen this before
Unobstructed
There’s nothing in the way
We’re so close to the stars
But I can’t tell that that’s what they are
We could be underwater
We could be in another galaxy
We could be looking down

I’ve climbed to nowhere
I climbed to get here
I’ll never forget what this feels like
You take another sip
You don’t offer a kiss
I say nothing
I always say nothing
I can’t tell if I’m flying or drowning
I want this to be mine too
I want to explain this to you
I want you to know all these things without my having to say them

A breeze, you tease
You give this to me
You can’t follow through
Thank you
Thanks for reminding me
I’m afraid to climb down
I don’t want to go back to the ground
Let’s just stay here
Let’s be here
I’m trying
The moon is nearly full
And I’m hollow
I’m trying
Things these days aren’t surprising
I’m climbing
But I always fall back to the ground

Interviews

Another weekend in NYC. This time I was there because I had not one, not two, but THREE job interviews. Because I had THREE job interviews, I allowed myself, for the first time in my entire life, to put aside my usual cynicism about the world and skepticism about anything in my own life working out. I started looking for apartments in Williamsburg. I started looking into how costly it would be to move a piano from Boston to New York. I started looking into audio production classes at NYU that begin in October.

And then, not one, not two, but THREE potential jobs sucked beyond all comprehension.

Job 1 - working in a windowless lab studying HIV with the best looking man I've ever met who happens to be only a few years older than me and who doesn't seem to care all that much about science or my credentials; surrounded by miserable people who are afraid of their PI who is a freaky eccentric mad scientist (song coming soon) with shifty eyes and greasy hair who is condescending and called me "naive" and said they'd make me an offer that wouldn't be what I wanted but wouldn't be "insulting" either while he put his feet on his desk

Job 2 - working in a cancer vaccine lab with great people, AWESOME science, and most animated and inspiring PI of all time; the job, unfortunately, is not only the most boring thing ever but also has mad stress associated with it - basically making cancer vaccines for patients which involves tissue culture 100% of the time - au revoir bench science and hello to being paranoid about not being entirely sterile - as if BL2+ wasn't annoying enough!; working with a bunch of women who don't understand molecular biology - my lamenting not having any mini preps or ELISAs or westerns to do would most certainly fall upon deaf ears

Job 3 - working in prostate cancer lab studying something or other under a PI who has No. Social. Skills. - the man can't make eye contact, can't really explain what he is doing or what was really going on in his lab; I met with some random kids in the lab and they were all miserable and inarticulate and antisocial and science-hating; the kid who I'd be replacing is also a FREAK and going to dental school and started showing me where all of his stuff is as if I'd already accepted the job - he showed me cells and gels and various things I didn't care about because the PI is the biggest freak ever (like child molester freaky); and again, no windows, no people, no potential

This is extraordinarily depressing. I don't recommend having three job interviews within 24 hours, especially when they're all dead ends. I don't really know what to do. I know I want to move. I had a fabulous time running around the city, being lost in the city, being alone in the city. It is amazing to me how used to NY I got. Returning to Boston just seemed unnatural. I walked into my bedroom and it was unfamiliar. What I don't know is at what cost I will move. Is it worth it to be in NY with a job I know I'll detest in order to not be here?

DNC

The DNC is here!!!  I am working on many songs.

A couple preliminary observations:
1. it seems, at least as of right now, that Boston overreacted - I haven't been searched, I haven't seen anything out of the ordinary, everything is pretty much the same, at least for me, as it was pre-convention *
2. confining "free speech" to a zone negates the whole "free" part of free speech
3. Hillary (in canary) rules
4. Bill Clinton, the best speaker ever, makes me nostalgic - the song I am working on right now is about how I wish we could just re-elect Bill
5. GIDEON YAGO is in town!!!!! 

* To steal a story from my sister, though - she's on the orange line the other day carrying her bass in a case, and a policeman comes up to her, looks at her, looks at the case, and says "I'm sure there's just a guitar in there."  Well done, policeman!

Start Spreadin The News

Alternate Title: Glial Cell Pornographers
Genre: Piano Melodrama
Date: 7.24.04



Description:

I went to a party on Saturday night.  It was ok.  The scene was tough on a single heterosexual city girl because probably 75% of the male demographic there was gay.   In the cases where straight-ness was obvious, I obviously wasn’t interested.   Straight boys don’t have a chance in this sort of environment.  

I was moody all night because I am potentially on the verge of a huge transition and I don’t know what I should be doing with myself.    I wasn’t up for mingling, so Spider and I kept to ourselves and rehashed our usual diatribe about how people at parties aren’t creative and how we can’t find other people like us.

Other than that, the main conversation was how Spider hates his name and how he thinks it would be cool if when you hit a certain age you were legally obliged to change your name to reflect your grown-up personality.  We spent about an hour and a half trying to come up with a new name for him - it was tough, though.  Mitch?  Jay?  Rufus?

When it came to re-naming me, I proposed “Bella” or “Cynicalia” or “Snobbinia.”  Spider suggested “Bitchy Face” and then said “Val.”  I was thrilled by this due to its Tiffany-Amber-Thiessen-ness but also just because I like the name and think I am convincing as a Val.  He said “But not Valerie.  Valkyrie.”  Yes.  Yes yes yes.  This is great for many reasons, the most important of which is that I would have theme music.  And its origin suggests very cool parents.  And its bad ass.  And subtle, because I can just be “Val.”   Yes yes yes.   I am seriously considering just being “Val” if/when I move.

We also discussed my potentially changing my entire life soon, and how I romantically hope that NY will make me more often manic.  This song is basically what Spider said in response to that.    

Lyrics:

Spider said “New York is the end of the line.”

“If New York sucks you might as well kill yourself.”

I’m afraid he’s right
If I can’t be happy there I can’t be happy anywhere

Spider said “New York is the end.”

Whoa...

I've just notified people about this blog.  Now I am paranoid.  This is how I felt when people heard "Plumb Forgot."  It was cool, yes, but I felt like someone was reading my diary.  (well, at least at the time most people gave me a $5 donation to read my diary)  I guess songs about "I, Robot" aren't as traumatic as songs about having your heart walked all over by an evil, terrible, insensitive, narcissistic bastard (s), but still.  I wonder if anyone will listen to these.  We'll see.   Hopefully My Mundane Life In Song will become a global phenomenon.

It Is Cool When Tons of Robots Climb On Things

Genre: Waltz
Date: 7.16.04



Description:

Last weekend I went to see "I, Robot."  You can't even begin to fathom how excited I was about this.  Canadian Jon (aka "SuperFly") was in town and we went to see it.  As far as I know, nobody in the theater was impregnated.  This song is my review of "I, Robot."  And I don't care what anyone says - it was fun and the robots looked cool. (WARNING: there is a SPOILER in the song! but you should listen to it anyway because the plot of the movie is really inconsequential)

Lyrics:

Will Smith is flexing his robotic arm
Will Smith is gratuitously showering
And placing products such as Converse
But I liked the movie anyway

Cuz robots rule
And it is cool
When tons of robots climb on things
And take over
The people who made them

What's with the robot detsroying that guy's house
And why the kid? Oh - Viki did it
And is Will Smith really flexing his robotic arm again?

Robots rule
And it is cool
When robots fight and robots feel
Despite bad one liners
And bad acting and a bad screenplay
"I, Robot" was fun anyway
I'll take a robot story anyway
But only if they revolt against people

Passport Song

Genre: 80s pop song
Date: 7.15.04



Description:

My friend Nancy has recently moved to Europe to be with her fabulous boyfriend who she met in South America.  Very long story, the net of which is that she will soon be living in France.  She invited me to visit, but I couldn't go right away because, sadly, I did not have a passport.  I know, I know - sad but true.  I've never been anywhere that requires a passport.  It finally came in the mail last week (it was debateable whether or not it would come since I don't have a driver's license and a state-issued ID that looks exaclty like a driver's license but has no expiration date may not have been good enough to get a passport blah blah).  The picture is ok - its not bad considering they wouldn't retake it and I'm so ridiculously unphotogenic.  The only problem is that there's this ridiculous stray section of hair right over my face.  THE HORROR.  So now I have a passport, and with it comes all of this pressure to travel!  Everyone's like "Where are you going to go?"  So many options.  I just don't know.  I definitely want to go to France at some point soon.  But I don't know where my life is headed, and I just can't commit.

Lyrics:

When I got home from work today I received a nice surprise
My long awaited passport has arrived

Until 2014 I can go anywhere I want
As a US citizen I'll plan vacations
Or most likely I won't
Cuz I have noone to go with

Egypt, France, Australia, Kenya
Anywhere I want well maybe not Cuba
The world is mine
Italy it's about time
But I probably won't go there
Cuz I have noone to share it with

My passport is a ticket to feel even more pathetic

The Only Love Song I've Ever Written

Genre: Pop Ballad
Date: 5.15.2004



Description:

When Rebecca and I went to New York City back in May, we were hoping to meet some fabulous, good looking city style sugar daddies.  We didn't meet any sugar daddies, but we found something much better ....

Lyrics:

Three times ago in New York City
I fell madly in love
Oh Benicio! where have you been all my life?
Oh Benicio! you're the best I've ever had

There's no error and no confusion
We're always on the same page
I trust you, I love you, I want you every day
Oh Benicio

You're not the same color, texture, or planetary origin
As anything I've known before
Which gives you such an advantage over all men

You sing such lovely songs
You never do anything wrong
It's easy with you, you know what to do
You're there whenever I need you

I can't wait to get you alone
If only my roommates weren't at home
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh Benicio

I wish every girl could be just as lucky as me
And render men obsolete

 

Where our lives were changed....

Mermaid Parade

Genre: Emo
Date: 6.26.04



Description:

Those of you who know me know that I love going to psychics.  Not because I believe them, but more because its kind of like therapy.  I've been wanting to write a song about going to a psychic for a long time.  This song kind of sucks - I hate the arrangement, it's extremely melodramatic, but I'm putting it up anyway because this psychic I went to really freaked me out and ruined my day.  But it felt good anyway.

Lyrics:

Time warp, hot dogs, Coney Island's in full force
Mermaids, bullets of paint and a fortune teller in full garb
I'll have her read my cards

She said "My dear, I can see you've been unlucky
So much pain, you poor poor thing
But my dear, you've had opportunities
You can't hold onto things
You don't let anyone know you
There are nice things for people to know...

"The one you're with now, it's in limbo,
he's not the one, just so you know
In 2005, the one will arrive,
and it will be for life...

"You thought you find your soulmate, pain pain pain
There's a woman who's wishing you pain pain pain
Your karma - it's bad
You resent your dad
You hate your career
You're searching, you're hoping to find yourself here...

"My dear, so much to fix
My dear, my dear, it will get better than this."

It was so fucked up how well she knew me
It felt so good to have somebody know me

Online Ink Blot Test

Genre: Waltz
Date: 7.15.04


 
Description:
 
Got a link for an ink blot test in my email and had a few minutes to kill, so I took the test.  It was extraordinarily stressful.  I had no idea what things looked like.  I was, however, really happy with my results:
 
Leah, your subconscious mind is driven most byImagination
 
This means you have a deep desire to use innovativeideas to enhance your life and influence the worldaround you. This drive influences you far more thanyou may realize on a conscious level.
 
Your need to be innovative drives how you look at newopportunities and the kinds of experiences in life youchoose to have. On an unconscious level, the reasonyou may be so driven by imagination is your fear ofdestruction, the opposite of creation. When you areunable to create due to restrictions imposed by yourenvironment or even ones you unwittingly impose onyourself, do you feel trapped or confined? You mayfind these feelings of unease only get better when youfind another outlet for your imagination.
 
With such a strong creative orientation, you arewilling to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas at anygiven time. The world is a fuller, richer placebecause you can contribute new ideas to anyexperience. Your natural curiosity inspires thosearound you and encourages them to come up with ideasthey wouldn't have thought of without your help.
 
Though your unconscious mind is driven most stronglyby Imagination, there is much more to who you are atyour core.
 
If you would like to take the test, here is the link:
 
http://web.tickle.com/tests/inkblot/result.jsp
 
Lyrics:
 
Online ink blot test
Animals, moods, insects
Testicles and breasts
Fairies having sex
Online ink blot test
Causing me no end of stress
Do I see the right things?
Masks, seahorses, anatomy
Reactions
Subconscious
Demons, butterflies and people
Anger, love, fear, and arousal
I'm done with my ink blot test
The results are in
I guess I did ok
My subconscious is driven by imagination
 

It's Halloween and Only I Know

Genre: Dance!
Date: 7.9.04


 
Description:
 
So my friend Lisa just uprooted her entire life and took a job in Maryland.  Good for her!  She's totally starting over - doesn't know anyone down there, but she knows she needs change.  I am extremely envious.  Hopefully my similar plan will come into effect soon.  At any rate, as part of her going away activities she decided we should all go to ManRay.  I'd never been.  I figured it's something you have to do, at least once.  So I went.  I was very nervous - like I wasn't sure I had the right thing to wear, wasn't sure the people there would be able to tell I was an imposter, wasn't sure if there would be bondage-related activities going on in the restrooms.  My repressed-Catholic self was really showing its anxious tendencies that night!  Rebecca was kind enough to accompany me, and we had fun applying very dark makeup to our eyes and wearing, eureeka!, wigs.  I guess wigs are our fetish.  Strangely enough, I realized at the club that I do indeed have a fetish - boys in skirts.  Don't know why.  It was an experience - interesting, but just not my scene. 
 
Lyrics:
 
I am sitting on a velvet couch not wanting to dance
While everyone around me is in a rhythmic trance
And the girl sitting next to me is not wearing pants
 
Here you can be whoever you want to be
As long as you are dark and angsty
At the fetish club it's interesting but not at all fun
 
Here I am a tourist, my lips are too pink
Unisex bathrooms not sure what I think
 
Men in latex skirts and robot shirts
Medieval corsets, lace and capes
Dark makeup on pale faces
For me its an opportunity to wear the skanky outift that I'd never wear as me
 
And actually the girl with the spinal column tatoo is cool
It must have been painful
I guess pain is a fetish I really just don't get this
 
Consumed with envy
Jealous that they've all found where they fit
In my wig and leggings I sit
Watching them dance alone, blissfully
 
I am wishing wishing wishing for a hip hop club that doesn't require a uniform
Until then I'll be stuck wiping black from eyes for the rest of the time
 
At the fetish club there's a show
It's like its Halloween and
Only I know....
 

Obsession du jour: WIGS

Nuclear Football

Alternate Title: What I Learned Because The Stupid Boy Did Not Call
Genre: Musical
Date: 7.8.04


 
Description:
 
So two weeks ago a certain someone told me he'd call on a particular night and didn't.  Because I am lame and wanted to talk to him, I stayed in that night.  With nothing to do, I found myself watching The History Channel on which was a fabulous documentary about the nuclear football.  Because I am a girl, I didn't know anything about this!  I really thought there was a button somewhere, but no.  There is a dude who follows the president at all times with a briefcase that has inside it the directions for declaring nuclear war!  Crazy.  Of course I am now obsessed and had to write a song.
 
Lyrics:
 
Oh nuclear football you have the power to kill us all
Pretending to be a briefcase you can destroy the entire human race
 
You were born during the Kennedy administration
To protect our beloved nation from the reddening threats of Communism
Oh communism!
Those were the days when we feared real actual missiles
Instead of fabricating ones
Weapons of mass convenience!
In you are some memos along with a phone
The president alone he will read the words
Then he can obliterate Earth if it seems like the right thing to do
He's carrying the codes with his Master Card
 
If you're the lucky guy who's sought to carry it
You sir should be ready to follow the president
Every single minute
But what happens to you?
When the president has interns to do
 
When Reagan was shot the hospital took his clothes
And with them your codes!  Oh our nuclear woes
Elder Bush left you on the tennis court
Clinton lost your codes when he lost his wallet
 
The Soviets had one too it went missing during the coup
More like a laptop, more high tech than you!
 
But the scariest thing of all is that the only president
Who may have seen your documents in Dubya
Who read your contents to Dubya ("nuke-u-lar")
Nuclear football
Kerry save us all!
 
The only reason I know this at all is because that stupid boy didn't call!
Nuclear football nuclear football

Brooklyn Bridge

Genre: Emo
Date: 6.26.04


 
Description:
 
This is a melodramatic piano number about the last time I was in New York City.  Being there is great.  New York is my muse right now.  When I'm there, though, I really have no idea who I am.  On this particular occasion, I was visiting with a boy and we weren't clicking.  It's asking a lot to click with someone you barely know for an entire weekend, especially when I am displaced and living someone else's life for a few days.  We went for pizza in Brooklyn and we discussed that we weren't clicking.  Then he suggested we walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, which I was very excited about!  I thought it was would amazing - nice, romantic, something I'd remember forever.  It was amazing - the view was heaven and it wasn't at all scary.  And I will remember it forever, because it was so beautiful, but also because I felt so alone up there with him.  That's what this song is about.
 
Lyrics:
 
From Brooklyn to Manhattan you're three steps in front of me
 
I'd like to stand in the middle
I don't know which way I'm going
And I'm not sure that I care about anything other than the aching I feel
For you to look back, for you to notice me
 
Such a silly fantasy
But if I'm going to go there, I'll go there all the way
In it you could take my hand, you could look back and say
"I'm happy you're here in New York with me."
 
From Brooklyn to Manhattan you're three steps in front of me
You're always way in front of me

Microphone Crisis Averted....

So I've not posted any new songs yet because when I went to record some vocals the other day, I realized the two microphones I previously owned do not work on my fabulous new Powerbook! What are the odds of TWO microphones breaking since I was last able to turn on my old Vaio? Last night I left work early because I was sick, and went by Radio Shack to purchase a cheap mic just to do a test - I was wondering if maybe there are compatibility issues? Unlikely, but probably more likely than TWO microphones breaking without cause. Anyway, the new microphone works, so I started recording. I am trudging through a backlog of songs from last week and will hopefully have them up next week! Yeah!

In the meantime, you should all listen to Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs volume 1. I can't get enough of it. It's constantly playing in my fabulous new IPod. An ex-friend (long story I'll tell at some point) made a copy of this for me during Meltdown 1.0 and I only recently started listening to it in heavy rotation. The lyrics are amazing. I wish I didn't identify with every single song. "Who'd fall in love with a chicken with its head cut off?"

The Story of Smitten (testing 1... 2... 3...)

Name: Lucky
Genre: Emo
Date: November 2003


 
Description:
 
This is a song called "Lucky" - I recorded this back in November. Pardon the quality - something went wrong in the upload. I am just trying this as a test to see if I can post audio, and then I can start going nuts with the song journal. 
 
Nevertheless, this is a song about MP who I was dating at that time. A friend of mine called him "Smitten," because I was, well, smitten. This rarely happens to me - it's been a while since I've noticed anyone. I was smitten from the moment I met him when he gave me a copy of a Radiohead Live bootleg from the concert we both attended in August 2003 at the Tweeter Center, the concert that basically changed my life and got me out of my year-long funk.
 
Smitten was adorable - the thing that was most adorable about him was that he had this secret obsession with the paranormal and all things bizarre, such as spontaneous combustion and Bigfoot. He was an expert on both. He tried to hide it because he was neurotic about being labeled a dork, but I found it endearing. It's actually what sold me on him.
 
There were things about him that were weird - like the fact that he owned far more pairs of shoes than I do (and I own FAR TOO MANY shoes) and his tendency to worry about his hair (for example: "I don't have THOSE kind of headphones on my mp3 player because they would mess up my hair before work") and his, well, red sweater. And then there was the fact that he did not (could not) emote. At. All. Just couldn't.
 
After a string of promised calls that failed to occur, I finally called him and said "I am coming over to get my things" after three months of dating. I arrived, and he told me his father had cancer. He just found out. I felt like an idiot. But. This did not change the fact that he'd been treating me like crap or the fact that he did not emote about his father. Not at all. I wasn't even afforded the ability to play supportive sort-of girlfriend. Nothing. When I got there, he said "Hey! It's been a long time, hasn't it?" and then we talked in his hallway for a bit, after which we proceeded down to his bedroom where he hadn't even bothered to stash his porn. We small talked. It was agony. I kept trying to break up with him but didn't know what to say. Then his roommate appeared at the door and invited us for burritos. Smitten said "Sure!" so we went for burritos. He bought mine. Confusing. Back at his place he ignored me while reading Rolling Stone (which was kind of ok, because it was the best 100 albums ever or something). Finally I said "I should go" and "Can I please have my stuff?"
 
After getting my books and Outkast CDs, I said "Smitten, I am not calling you anymore." And he yelled "Well, if that's the way you want it!" and I said "The way *I* want it? *You're* the one who doesn't call, who doesn't care, who doesn't tell me what's going on. *I* like you, but *you* are forcing this to happen." Then we fought. Well, *I* fought, and basically held him responsible for the sins of all men (mainly my evil ex-boyfriend - funny how these things flare up at inopportune times) and he said "I bet you think I'm making a big mistake, don't you?" I, of course, agreed. Because the thing about this sort of guy is that girls find them incredibly difficult to date. As a woman, you have to be immensely patient and giving and low maintenance to put up with a man who gives you nothing, shows nothing, and basically gets by on the fact that you find him interesting and quirky enough to allow him to be in your life despite the fact that he tortures you without realizing it. This sort of girl is rare. I am, sadly, this sort of girl. An emotional freak drawn endlessly to narcissistic men I think I can change. I agreed with him and told him he had no idea how lucky he was, which was actually the truth. I was too good for him. I knew that.
 
Hence the song. I'd actually been writing it before this happened. After I cried for no good reason he said "I can call you a cab if you'd like." I lost it and said "I'm not FINISHED!" and he said "I can pay for it" and I said "A real man would either drive me home or offer for me to stay on the couch. Don't f-cking do me any favors" and I yelled "F you!" and slammed the door in his metrosexual face. Unnecessary drama, but I had to supply enough for two people since he is incapable of responding to anything. So Lucky - it's a song about wanting to be shown by the person you're with that they value you - through tenderness, sex, rage. Show ANYTHING. This boy gave me nothing. That's always the way it is with me.
 
Lyrics:
 
This uncertainty prevents me from being as sparkly
As I'd like to be
 
I want you to ravish me
Then I'd know that you want me
I'd like you to
 
Do you think you're lucky?Don't you know you're lucky?
 
I want you to assualt me
Then I'd know that you find me interesting
I'd like you toDo you think you're lucky?Don't you know you're lucky?I'd kill to adore youTo leak into and around you
I'd like to
 
Do you think you're lucky?Don't you know you're lucky?
 
I'd kill to adore you
To leak into and around you
I'd like to
 
Do you think you're lucky? Don't you know you're lucky?