Letters in an Inbox

Do you ever catch yourself reading old emails when bored at work?

This sort of behavior used to be reserved for lonely nights at home. Candles, Elliott Smith CD's, the never-to-be-looked-at-again box of notes and ticket stubs and pictures you couldn't quite tear up excavated from under the bed that reminds you of better times gone sour.

Now we can do this at work.

I just tried to do it, and realized I'd deleted the folder's entire contents. And instead of feeling sad after reading the emails, I felt sad because I couldn't read the 400 cute, flirty, optimistic, painful, funny, terrible, hostile, sentimental, and oozing with love emails.

Clicking "Delete All" is much easier than throwing letters into the fire, which requires both effort and drama, and a fireplace. Where can you even find a fireplace these days?

I decided to go back two levels of sadness, and read loving things like:

"If I see something now by myself, while it will be cool, the feeling will be nothing like the feeling that I would get if I could share that with you."

and then

"I know that everything will work out with us. We like each other too much
and have way too much fun together."

followed by

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH WHOEVER, JUST DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME ABOUT IT."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach the first time I read that. I almost threw up. Again, I read it at work and wanted to curl up and die. How do you not cry at work when someone hurts that much because of you?

Reading it this time hurt again. The memory hurts.

Seeing things devolve in text is painful.

I went back and read every email D has ever written me and nearly started to cry, because what if things change? The writing is already changing. Beginnings are so cute. The effort, the creativity to woo, the constant reinforcement of "I love you" and "You were so cute this morning" and "I can't wait to see you tonight." Why can't things stay that way? Comfort ruins everything.

Sigh.

I can't believe we can do this sort of fucked up emo stuff while getting paid to work.

News

I am feeling a bit cut off from the world these days.

Living alone can cause one to be really introverted.

I don't have cable so I don't watch the news.

Instead of listening to NPR I listen to the CDs I bought on a binge this weekend.

Instead of reading the paper I read mostly useless magazine articles and try to find out what's going on in NYC that I won't do because I don't have any friends.

I cook dinner while D runs or cycles and wait for him to come over to indulge our new NetFlix obsession.

We're descending into habit, and that is not good. I like when we "play gender roles" but only when its the exception.

We've agreed to return to normalcy next week, when I am no longer swollen and when we will see people out in the world and will see things and walk and be productive. We will stay at D's apartment like the old days when I was not lopsided and we were not lame.

I am going to go to an open mic on Monday. I won't play, but hopefully I will be inspired and may even, gasp, try this again.

I am looking forward to free things in the summer in NYC and playing outside and not being obsessed with finding a table. I am looking forward to more visits and summer blockbusters. I am looking forward to new exhibits and dinosaurs. I am looking forward to using my passport for the first time. I am looking forward to fireworks. I am looking forward to seeing old friends, or I guess to seeing friends at all. I am looking forward to half day Fridays on which I will hopefully find things to do.

I am really looking forward to the weekend - hopefully sleep will be had without the aid of Extra! Strength! Tylenol! and a visit from LBF with little white chocolate chip cookies in tow will brighten my spirits.

I am annoyed because CO detectors are being installed in my building tomorrow morning starting at 9am and "Please cooperate by being available!" Man. First of all, 9am on a Saturday!?!? Second of all, could they be any more vague? Like how long do I need to be there? How long will this take? Who are these people who will be in my apartment while I am in pajamas? What if I was going to be out of town?

It seems the New Apartment Building has been in transition for the past week. There are announcements of No Electricity! and then No Hot Water! for two days. Frustrating.

I'm tired. And Extra! Strength! Tylenol! makes me more tired and slightly less functional than normal. Boss gave me the ok to leave early even though I am not working a half day today because I combined two half Fridays into a Wednesday! Nothing better than using two free half days to spend a day having things cut out of your body and experiencing drug-induced amnesia.

I am using my half Fridays only for good for the rest of the summer. I theoretically have only one more doctor's appointment ever. Follow-up next Wednesday.

Oh. And I am going to have my eyes checked because I found yet another fabulous pair of cheap glasses! Apparently I could have gotten an additional $200 off the glasses I bought when I moved here in the fall. DRAT! I calculated that I can pretty much get the new glasses for free since I didn't use the benefits in the fall. This being said, I think my vision is changing so I will get my eyes checked and then get new lenses for all of my glasses, thus making the new glasses not free but they will still be cheaper than any pair I've ever bought and I'll actually be able to see, which is exciting. And I will feel like a Good Person because I will take this opportunity to donate all of the old glasses I've been keeping for no apparent reason for like the last seven years to some sort of Good Cause.

I will post a photo when I have the new glasses in my possession. Watch out, though. These are the best ones yet...

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory

So apparently Gene Wilder is all up in arms about the remake, and is criticizing it as merely a ploy to make money.

I, for one, am psyched about this. I am still, however, not psyched about Johnny Depp's creepy smile. I am, however, thrilled that the adorable and completely sympathetic boy from Finding Neverland is Charlie!

Check out the newly released long trailer here.

I seriously can't contain myself.

Thoughts on Thursday

1. The media should not be allowed to include the phrase "Cruise Control" in any article about Tom Cruise ever again. This needs to be stopped. It boggles my mind that people confuse trite with clever. I realize that the phrase is appropriate given Tom Cruise's behavior as of late, but really.

2. I had to wear a baggy or not-at-all transparent shirt today. When I was getting dressed, I realized that I own nothing appropriate. Nothing. Most of my spring/summer clothes are tight fitting, and the ones that are not are apparently semi-transparent. Ridiculous. I can't believe I am allowed to work.

3. Amnesia is a crazy thing.

4. For example, when you remember somebody reading you a really funny poem but you have no idea what the poem was about or why it was funny. You just know it was a poem and that your response to it was laughter.

5. And you know you got home, but how?

6. And you know you were given instructions, but you completely forget what they were.

7. Things familiar are powerful.

8. Alfie was suprisingly better than I'd anticipated, and not only because Jude Law is hot. D said "I resent him for being so beautiful." I don't. My life is greatly enhanced by the entertainment industry's giving me opportunity after opportunity to consume Jude Law's beauty.

9. Risotto is the new comfort food.

10. I like being taken care of by someone other than my mother.

11. Speaking of Tom Cruise, I was just updating my queue (how I love the word queue!) on NetFlix and thought "I'm in the mood for a good war movie!" so began searching the Military Drama subcategory to find a war movie I haven't already seen. I mention this because Top Gun is listed, and I just don't think of Top Gun as a military drama. I guess the volleyball scene (in the top five movie scenes of all time) sort of takes away from, ahem, the drama.

12. It is almost My Mundane Life In Song's first birthday! I am trying to think of what to do to celebrate. A Greatest Hits compilation? A photo montage?

13. I feel like I've been negligent with My Mundane Life In Song. I've been self absorbed and tending to things in my personal life and not making time for the blog. This needs to be remedied.

14. Although, this is hard to remedy when the wireless connection I am stealing in my apartment is unreliable! Hmph.

15. Tom Cruise is too short (and lame) for Katie Holmes.

That is all.

Notary

I can't believe I have to have something notarized in order to move out of my apartment.

My former landlord said "So, will you just rip up my phone number when this is all done? Is this it?"

I am confused by his sudden sense of humor.

Is this akin to a bad relationship ending? Now everyone can finally laugh about things!

I wanted to say "Well, I don't know if I can continue to have a relationship with you since you still insist on making me go to notary publics even after things have ended!"

Soon my keys will be in a padded envelope en route to Brooklyn and this will be over once and for all, the fabulous blue couch being the only casualty that resulted from this experience.

Soon I will have $4020 in my pocket. I'd like to think it will be that easy.

Soon I may no longer have to worry about stupid apartment-related things like light bulbs and paperwork and surfaces on which to eat.

Soon things will return to normal.