A-D-U-L-T Spelling Bee

On Wednesday night D and I attended and participated in an adult spelling bee!

I've been psyched about this for months. I basically made D go, and said "You are going to be in this spelling bee, and you are going to win!"

I went with the intention of drinking and laughing lots, and taking photos. I'd envisioned it taking place in the club where the horrid open mics occurred (it was at the same center near Central Park West), with hundreds of people, and a lottery determining who got to enter the spelling bee.

D and I hadn't had time to practice our drunk spelling beforehand, so en route to the spelling bee we spelled everything we spoke about.

When we arrived, we were slightly shocked to see that the spelling bee would be held in a very tiny conference room, and that there only about 20 people involved.

This, of course, meant that I had to be in the spelling bee.

Horror of horrors. My fear of public speaking/performance is more of a fear of public anything. And if a microphone is involved, forget it! The setup for this was a small stage on which was only a microphone. Luckily we didn't have to sit on the stage. We were all seated in the audience, drinks in hand, and would be called up when it was our turn.



There were two different types of rounds - the first was just words picked from the official spelling bee list. The second, and far more fun, was a roll-the-dice round, where the number you rolled determined the word category from which you'd have to spell a word. The categories were alcohol, things that are uncomfortable, band names, characters from mythology, and former child stars.





I did pretty well for a while. I got "sandpaper duvet" and "luau" and "gwar" and "streptococcus." I can't believe I got "streptococcus" correct. I feel like sober me would have tripped all over it, but drunk me spelled it with the utmost of confidence.

The beauty of this spelling bee was that you weren't out until you got two incorrect. D faltered early as he was unable to spell "Bonaduce" in "Danny Bonaduce."

When one girl had to spell "Hennessey" and jokingly asked for it to be used in a sentence, I said "Or, how about a hip hop lyric instead?" and a bunch of people, myself included, busted out with Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance." Best spelling bee of all time, folks.



Another girl had to spell "Snoop Doggy Dogg," and spelled it incorrectly. She spelled the final "Dogg" with only one "g." It was funny, given that earlier on I'd been joking about my inability to spell in public, and how my first word would most likely be "dog" and how I'd spell it "D-O-double-G." Heh. The MC was all "Dude, haven't you ever heard any of his songs? He always spells his name in them."



The MC's brother participated in the spelling bee and was hilarious. Seriously. This guy was the ultimate in comic relief. He got up and rolled "Former Child Stars" and got "Mayim Bialik." He said "If I don't spell that right in this place I'm going to get killed," which was funny given that the spelling bee was being held in a Jewish Cultural Center. He had no idea how to spell it, but we decided that if he could reenact the opening credits, complete with singing of the theme song and doing the Blossom dance, he could stay in. He unfortunately didn't do the dance very well, so got eliminated. Luckily, there were two girls there who could do the dance, so we were very entertained.

When it was down to five people remaining, we had to stand on the stage.



I had one wrong at this point. I'd misspelled "meticulosity" because, thinking of my friend Kris' made-up word "awesomenocity," I misspelled it as "M-E-T-I-C-U-L-O-C-I-T-Y." When the MC gave me the word, I said "You totally made that up! It's meticulousness!" Everyone agreed with me, but whatever. It is, however, a word. I just looked it up.

The second word I went out on I can't even remember, because I, and everyone else in there, had never heard of it. Never! I had him repeat it like 10 times and had him use it in a sentence and give me the definition and still nothing. No idea. Out. I think the MC had it in for me. I could have spelled any other word in the whole bee. Damn, son.

The finalists were D and this older woman who was an amazing speller.



D, drunker than I've ever seen him, spelled amazingly!



He was also doing The D Show, and I think it psyched the lady out. He was rolling around on the stage and being nuts. The crowd loved him.



When the lady got her first word wrong, D ran to the side of the stage and gave me a huge kiss, Rocky-style. It was awesome.

And then D won!!!

We had an awesome time, even though winning didn't actually involve a prize. I made a new friend, and D and I hung out with the MC, his funny brother, and the bartender afterwards. We got to drink the remaining wine, and had some cool conversations. Hopefully we'll see these people again. And hopefully there will be more spelling bees!!!

Florida... Again

I went to Florida this weekend.

We departed on Friday morning, thus having an extra day off! My boss said "No, no, I'm cool with this..." when I asked him to sign the paperwork for the vacation day, so it ended up being a free day off! Woo hoo!!!

The flights went as planned. We connected in Atlanta and were in Orlando by 1pm. We picked up the rental car and headed straight for the beach.

We were met by torrential downpours. Rainy season. Drat. Who knew?

We grabbed lunch at a diner right near the beach, where we were told "Don't even try to go to the beach. It's gon' rain for in en hourrr', fer an hourrr." The waitstaff were overly friendly. D said "Why do you think they're so friendly? What do they want from us?" I said "I think they're just friendly. Scary, huh?"

We decided to ignore their warnings and headed to the beach.



There were a few people there.



D frolicked in the ocean while I attempted to sleep.



While attempting to sleep, I overheard a girl near me say the following:

"You know, well, they called me into HR." When asked why she continued "Well, you know, you know how when you're at work you touch people on the butt? Yeah, well, you know how it is. So I go in there and I'm like 'Look, the person who you should be talking to is not me, it's that girl. I mean, you know, the one who has a problem with this. She is the one with the issues. You know. She's a mess.'"



I got some decent sleep.



I also took some photos, including this one which was, I swear, an accident.



I sat on the beach for a while, not swimming because it was actually quite cold out. D came out of the water right before it started to pour. We leisurely walked back to the car (is there anything better than being in a rain storm while wearing a bathing suit?) and headed to his folks' house.

They were happy to see D. We freshened up post-beach, chatted with the parents for a bit, and then headed out for a date. I'd said "Dude, I really want to find the cheesiest restaurant possible and eat at it. You know. People in costumes, animatronics, ultimate tourist trap type of place. I want drinks with cute names and a dinner show." We unfortunately missed the pirate dinner show and all other dinner shows because we didn't make a plan, so we drove around randomly looking for something after D's parents said "All of the restaurants around here are cheesy."

What they did not tell us was that all of the restaurants around there were bad. Bad bad bad. We ended up at a Mexican restaurant with the worst food imagineable. It was a quiet date. D seemed a little moody. He is different around his family. I tried to be light and happy, but I am different around his family as well. Feeling invisible will do that to a person.

We headed back to his parents' house, where they were waiting up for us to make sure we got into the garage ok with the code. They talked for a bit, while I remained quiet because of sangria and invisibility. I also really wanted a cold glass of water, but D's parents are adorable in that both of them have teeth that are hypersensitive to cold. They keep their Brita at room temperature, and there is literally no ice in the house. At all. His father even goes so far as to microwave apple juice that's been stored in the refrigerator prior to his drinking it.

The following morning we got a late start - D got up well before me and disappeared. I felt awkward and didn't want to just appear, so stayed in bed. He got coerced into doing yardwork. I was slightly cross because there was all of this urgency to "get to the beach before the rain - get UP - HURRY UP!" when he returned after the initial disappearing, and then I waited around for a couple of hours. This delay, however, gave me time to watch the news.

I hadn't seen any live footage of the hurricane up until that point. I'd read plenty and listened to the radio, but I hadn't seen a moving image since I do not have TV.

I cried a bit and compiled the statistics and became annoyed and distressed and angry and devastated and decided, instead, to read the paper.

D, finished with yardwork, organized a cooler of goodies for us and we hit the road about half an hour later.

And, of course, we hit torrential downpours on our way to the beach.

We went to the beach anyway, and again, nobody on it. Bliss! It was sunny by the time we arrived. I applied sunscreen and lied down in just enough time for it to start raining. It only rained for a few seconds. I feel asleep.



And then I woke up. And fell asleep again. And then it rained. And I fell asleep as it was raining. And then I woke up and D was gone and I thought "What if he never comes back? I am fucked," and then fell asleep while cold rain droplets hit my burning skin.

Bliss, folks, bliss.

D woke me up eventually and said "Come frolick!" I rain into the ocean, which was warmer than the air. Heaven! The waves were intense, and every time one hit the beach, I could feel the sand under my toes being dragged away by the current and I felt like I was floating and would fall and then be sucked under.

I frolicked for about three seconds before I decided that the current was freaking me out and that the waves being taller than me was unsettling, so I ran onto the beach and wrote "Leah Lar Hearts D" with my toes. D added "4-EVER" and then it, of course, started to pour, erasing out artwork.

We quickly gathered up the food and camera and glasses and ran to the car.

We were soaked. We decided to find a movie theater. We found one, but the movie times were not good. D wanted to eat at Steak and Shake, where the service was bad but the salad dressing was delicious.

We headed back to D's parents' house, where D engaged in further yardwork while I watched the news for about three minutes, thought better of it, and instead watched Alive on The History Channel.

D returned and instantly fell asleep on the living room floor. I decided that I too would take a nap, so went to our room and fell asleep within two seconds.

Naps galore, folks. Does life get any better?

D's mother made manicotti for dinner. We ate and drank champagne and I said little other than "This is so good."

After dinner, we played cards with the parents. D's father cheated. I knew he was cheating and tried to explain this, but neither D nor I are assertive enough. His father wasn't doing it on purpose. He didn't know. He hasn't enough experience with cards. He slaughtered all of us, but he cheated! I love his father, though, so I'll let it go.

D wanted to play scrabble, but I wanted to read. My goals for the trip were Beach, Books, and Naps. I needed some Book time, and needed some time away from The D Show.

Plus, I imagine D's mother wanted some time alone with her son.

The following day, I read more in the morning because D, again, disappeared.

We then went to a pizza buffet. All-you-can-eat pizza, breadsticks, salad, and dessert for $3.99!!!!

We headed back to his parents' house. D mowed the lawn while I sat with his parents, reading, while they said nothing as they read the newspaper.



I finished Atonement by Ian McKewen and started Less than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis.

Finishing a good book, like Atonement, is like amazing sex. The buildup is blissful, you want it to go on forever, and when it does end, YEAH! And then the exhaustion sets in.

Terrible books like Less Than Zero just make you feel dirty.

When D returned from mowing the lawn, The D Show was on again and his parents perked up, got chatty, put out food.

We socialized for a bit and were then off to the airport.

We got on an earlier flight than that scheduled, and this one was direct! We had lofty expectations for all of our bonus time in NYC, but of course we ended up just falling asleep.

On Monday I saw Century of the Self Parts 1 and 2, which were both letdowns. This was good, though, because now there is no pressure to see parts 3 and 4.

After the movie, we walked around the city and enjoyed the lack of people. If New York was always as barren as it was on Labor Day, I'd be a much happier person. We walked around the Bowery in search of a floor lamp for D's grownup apartment, did some other shopping, took a nap, read, went out on a date for dinner, and then watched Kontroll back at my apartment. I think I liked it but I feel stupid because I don't think I get it.

And that, folks, was the Long Weekend.

Wish I could say that I still feel rested and unwound. Oh well. Hopefully sleep will be had this weekend.

Serious

I went on a nearly blind friend date with N last night.

She really wanted to see The Constant Gardener. I had no desire to see it, but since I think that City of God is one of the best movies I've ever seen, I figured I'd give it a shot. Plus, the reviews were in and the reviews were good.

While we were in line I said "You know, yet another reason why Loew's 34th Street is such a great theater, in addition to their having real food and being the cheapest theater in the city and being around the corner from my apartment, is the fact that the previews start 10 minutes prior to the movie start time on moviefone, so getting to a movie early is actually rewarded!" I didn't mention the long list of reasons why Loew's 34th Street sucks, which includes the reliably unruly crowds and the fact the bathroom is on a separate floor from the theater and is, without fail, grotesque.

N said "My friends all think I am a nerd because I like the previews. The previews are my favorite part!"

"I know," I said, realizing that N and I might actually become friends.

OK.

So.

The Constant Gardener. Intense. Artful. Ralph Fiennes in a t-shirt - the second best thing ever. The romance was believable and adorable. The conspiracy got boring after a while.

I'd recommend it because its beautiful to look at, but its more of a rental. And be prepared to suffer from motion sickness - the camera work is brilliant - I'd compare it to more of a series of gorgeous still art photography, so it jumps around a lot. But man is it gorgeous. It's organic and grainy and lush and wonderful.

Ralph Fiennes. He is always so. Serious. The man never smiles. I want Ralph Fiennes to be in, like, 45 Year Old Virgin next year. I want to see him laugh!

So, back to the point of this entry.

The point is: the previews, in this care, were the best part because they showed a preview for Brokeback Mountain and I'm not kidding when I say that I gasped a few times while watching it.

Can you think of anything better than Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger being involved in a secret gay love affair as cowboys?!?!?!

Gasp. I practically burst into tears just watching the preview.

I cannot wait for this movie. I seriously can't wait. I can't. I love Jake Gyllenhaal much more than I should given that he is like 14.

I also love tragic men. Ralph Fiennes was very tragic in The Constant Gardener and I enjoyed it. I think male tears work so well on screen because women would probably like to see more of male tears in real life.

Well, maybe not. I guess nobody wants to see more tears. Tears suck.

But. Jake Gyllenhaal crying? It's like I'm in middle school all over again watching Dead Poets Society and all of my friends and I fall in love with Ethan Hawke because he flips out at the end because Robert Sean Leonard has killed himself.

I can't wait!!!!

Strong Teeth

I went to the dentist this morning.

What better way to ease back into life after being away, relaxed, for a long weekend? How I love being welcomed back into Normal Life by bloody gloves in your face and the Steve Martin remake of Cheaper By the Dozen!

My dentist shows movies in the waiting room, and then while you're having your teeth cleaned, they show that same movie without sound.

I am ashamed to admit that I was starting to get into Cheaper by the Dozen in the waiting room, and was annoyed when I didn't know what was going on whilst having my mouth excavated. Bizarre, no? Bizarre that I couldn't really tell what was going on without the sound. I'd imagined it to be far more predictable. There was something with Hillary Duff, in a towel, being mortified after stepping out of the shower only to find that the high school football team was in her house. I have no idea.

At any rate, while I was having my teeth cleaned, I was thinking about two things:

1. My original NYC Dentist Experience. I found out today that those bastards didn't send my x-rays to the new dentist. Bastards!!!

2. How in the future going to the dentist will be like something out of Star Wars, with a cute robot dentist that is programmed to say things like "Fabulous lack of plaque!" and "This isn't the worst thing ever, you know" and will then list all of the more torturous things you could be doing prior to work on a Tuesday. This will be helpful in avoiding the awkwardness of staring into your hygenist's pretty eyes and being observed by a human being while you choke on your own spit.

Could the dentist suck any more?

The hygenist with pretty eyes said "Your face is going to get really wet but don't worry. I'll wipe it for you." She wasn't kidding! I'd never experienced having water shot up my nose during a dentist appointment. As if it wasn't already bad enough!

When the dentist came in to look things over, she said "Did you ever have braces?" "No." "You have remarkably straight teeth!" Awww, shucks. I finally admitted that I'd had a retainer. I try so desperately to block out those years.

She then said "Your teeth are so strong. You have solid teeth. Good for you."

Do people have non-solid teeth?

She said "But don't let that stop you from taking care of them. Sometimes people with teeth like yours stop taking care of things. You still have to floss, and brush well."

What?

First of all, how do people with solid teeth know that their teeth are unusual? Is this unusual? Solid teeth? What? And second of all, why would that prevent one from brushing one's teeth well? Do solid teeth imply some sort of immunity? Am I gifted in having solid teeth?

I don't know.

I do love the sensation of smooth, polished teeth.

I do, however, hate dentists.

But I hate the thought of a root canal more, so I force myself to go.

OK. This dentist talk is boring.

I'll write more later.

Dude.

Gilligan died.

Sad.