Don't Worry

Yesterday was a pivotal day.

I've only had one other day (night) like this in my life. In college, I was dead asleep and someone was knocking on my door rather loudly. In college you assume that it's just some drunk idiot and you don't respond. Turned out it was Former-Favorite-Ex-Boyfriend's friend, who finally yelled "Leah, sweetie, T was in an accident."

Everything changed in that moment. When confronted with the idea of losing someone forever, your feelings for them crystallize in a way that is truly overwhelming. You can't think about anything else but him, of him being in pain, of him being sad, alone, afraid. You can't think at all, really. Then you start thinking about yourself - you have those selfish thoughts like "What would I do without him? What would life be like without him? Would I survive if he was gone?"

This happened again yesterday.

Upon hearing about this I immediately ceased functioning. People kept saying "Don't worry, things will be fine."

But how do you know? How can you assume things will be fine? I am a fatalist.

I was in a meeting with my boss. I had my phone with me, which I never do at work, because I was flipping out and waiting for D to call. It finally rang and I said "I have to take this... its an emergency..." and just ran out of the meeting in high-television-drama style.

I thought hearing his voice would comfort me, but it didn't.

He said "Please don't worry, everything is fine."

"I am going to worry and there's nothing you can do about it."

I was a wreck. My boss said "Would you please go home? You're scaring the hell out of me," and I was like "No, no, it'll be fine. Don't worry."

Don't worry!??!?! Who am I to tell someone not to worry when I am having a meltdown about the thing I am telling them not to worry about? The words "don't worry" are empty.

Bench Buddy was directly involved in all of the drama (long story I don't want to get into) and he kept saying "Don't worry, it's going to be fine... you should go home and drink lots..."

I finally convinced him to get a drink with me after my boss demanded that I go home, after which I went home and drank Tropicana Twisters with Rum because that's all I had available to me. I compulsively cleaned while worrying and flipping out to the point where Roommate had to talk me off the sabotage ledge.

Sabotage, you ask? Yes. I hit the point of no return yesterday, where I thought "If something happened to him, or worse, if something happened to us, I would throw myself off of a bridge."

I guess I didn't realize how I felt until yeserday.

I envy the people who haven't been massacred by love and who don't worry about this sort of thing and who don't think about bridges.

I was drunk and sloppy and emo and sweeping and saying "Roommate, I don't know if I can handle this again. Like seriously, if this falls apart, I can't go through this again."

She was stellar, not because she had advice, but because she understands sabotage and she told me not to do it. She told me she would kick my ass if I do.

Today I am less worried, but still thinking "What if what if what if what if...."

My energy level right now, as Bench Buddy just said about himself, is 11 out of 10. I am giddy because D is here and fine and seeing him is the best thing in the world and he apparently got cuter overnight.

Bench Buddy's energy level is escalating because he is looking forward to karaoke and because we are listening to disco music.

We cannot contain ourselves.

Dear god.

This day cannot go by fast enough.

TheGatesTheGatesTheGates

Since I didn't get my act together and see The Gates for long enough to photograph them for you, here is a wonderful photo essay on them:

http://www.supermasterpiece.com/features/kutner/gates/gates.html

Anonymous

I write a blog. I also read blogs when I am bored at work. I've narrowed down the blogs I read to include about 5 or 6 New York-centric blogs. They range from personal weblogs that allow me to be a voyeur to blogs that focus on local news and/or politics to pop culture/gossip/who's wearing what blogs to comedic/observational blogs. I try to keep up with them all on a daily basis, but obviously can't. I wish work didn't interfere with my side projects.

Anyway, I am truly excited today because...

I was reading a certain blog that I enjoy - its a very popular local blog about the music scene - not only what's going on in NY (upcoming shows, show reviews, show recommendations, show photos and show gossip) but what's going on in the indie music world. What's coming out when, what you should listen to, who's saying what about what, links to new videos and songs etc. Love it. I read it every day to find out what's going on and what I missed and what I should be experiencing in NYC.

I was curious to see if they'd gone to The Kaiser Chief's show this weekend, and more curious to see if they had any photos so I could put a link to it on my blog so you could all see just how amazing this show was. Sadly they'd only attended last night's show at the Mercury Lounge. There were photos, but I really wanted photos from my show. I read the review, and then at the end, they're like "For reviews of the Saturday night show at NorthSix, click HERE, HERE, and HERE."

I thought "Sweet! Maybe these people have photos!"

I read the first review, which basically said the same gushing things as mine. The second review was cute - the girl met the band but didn't say much and felt like a bit of a tool. The third review... was MINE!

Weird. But cool. In a weird way. I feel exposed. And happy. And, well, not so anonymous. This is a confirmation that people I don't know read my blog. Or have at least stumbled upon it. Obviously this is a possibility - its public, and at first I thought "How dare they link to my blog! How dare they tell the world to read this!" and then I thought "Well, it's out there, published for the world to read, so I guess the world can read it if they so choose."

I'm fairly certain nobody will read it other than people who went to the show at NorthSix and who also read this other blog, so the odds of anyone stumbling upon my review are slim.

Then again, what are the odds that I would stumble upon my own blog?

Bizarre.

Blogging about blogging. Again.

I am giddy!

It Is Valentine's Day....

... and I have been listening to Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs. This is the second time you are reading a shout out to 69 Love Songs on this blog, so I apologize. But if you still haven't listened to it, you owe yourself an apology.

D and I are not celebrating Valentine's Day because we think it is stupid. This involves not buying each other gifts and not purchasing a card and not contributing money to anything that is in any way Valentine's Day-like. Consequently we cannot go to dinner or a movie or a show or really anything that could be misconstrued as a date. When this was initially discussed, I thought this meant that we wouldn't even see each other tonight, but he said "No, that would be stupid." We discussed this about a month ago, and then I accidentally made an appointment to see an accountant tonight about my taxes. Even though we are boycotting Valentine's Day, I still feel weird about doing my taxes instead of seeing D, so I am not going to go. In truth, I am not going because the tax dude sketches me out and refuses to tell me how much this might cost, so now I guess its going to be a date for me and TaxAct Online, one federal and two state returns! Bliss! But I am telling myself that I am going to do my taxes by myself because D is more important.

Anyway, last night I was like "So, tomorrow's the not-big day... what are we going to do?" and he had no idea what I was talking about.

Then he was like "Oh, that's tomorrow? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

Panic. It's weird when you are forced to stay in. When there are tons of things to do in the city, sometimes you value being able to stay in and watch Some Kind of Monster. But when you're confined to the inside, you start freaking out.

"We can't even rent a movie!" D said, because his TV monitor just died. "We could cook dinner together..."

"That's extremely romantic and sort of a Valentine's Day cliche, isn't it?"

"Shit."

So I don't know what we're going to do. I think ordering a pizza is very non-romantic, so maybe we'll order a pizza and play poker and have a fight and discuss how awesome roses are every day other than today.

I bet a lot of people will be eating chocolates and snuggling teddybears and carrying roses while walking through The Gates, although its disgusting out today. I walked by The Gates yesterday and, well, they're orange Gates. I thought saffron was something other than hideously bright orange, but I was mistaken. I was going to photograph them for the blog but ended up spending time with my friend A from Boston and then all of a sudden it was dark and I couldn't see The Gates at all.

OK. Work beckons. I hope you all have a nice day, whether it involves candy hearts or not.

"Oh My God I Can't Believe It....

.... I've never been this far away from home."

Just got in from seeing The Kaiser Chiefs at North Six and then a failed attempt at an after party and then an equally failed attempt at attending a birthday party at an overly-and-offensively populated hipster bar in Williamsburg.

R didn't have a ticket. Nobody's ever heard of this band, so I figured it wouldn't sell out. Despite this, as a compulsive planner, I got my ticket in advance. Apparently between my getting my ticket and the show, they were "written up" in someting so every hipster had to attend the show. Also in attendance was James Iha, which was weird, because before the show R and I were discussing the most disappointing shows we've ever seen, and I was like "Oh man, Smashing Pumpkins SUCKED" and then I had to look around and make sure James Iha wasn't standing right behind me, sitcom style.

Whoa. I just gave everything away.

Anyway, R didn't have a ticket, so we went for drinks and got smashed and planned to go to the show about half an hour before The Kaiser Chief's predicted start time in hopes that someone might have an extra ticket.

So we did, and after like two seconds R had given up. I said "Look, I'll go in and get my ticket and see if there really aren't any."

I went in and said "Do you have an extra ticket?"

"No."

"Not even one?"

"We have minus twenty tickets right now."

I went out and told R there were minus twenty tickets, and then asked him if anyone had an extra ticket.

He said "No," and I was like "Well, did you ask anyone for an extra ticket?" and he's like "No."

I said "Hmmm... so you're sure none of these people have an extra ticket?"

Then some dude's like "I have a ticket."

Me: Awesome!

R: Why do we care if you have a ticket?

Dude: I have an extra ticket.

R: In addition to the one that you'll be using to get into the show?

Dude: Yes, I have a ticket.

Me: You mean, you have a ticket aside from your ticket?

Dude: I have a ticket.

R: You have a ticket that you're not using?

Dude: I have an extra ticket.

R: A ticket that you can sell me?

Dude: Yes.

I don't know why we were being such idiots. I guess because it was too good to be true. Apparently all you need to do is declare that a ticket is needed and one will materialize. We were so grateful to this dude, and both, without discussing it, assumed we'd hang out with him during the show and buy him drinks, but he disappeared.

The show was amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing. Could be top 5. Very enthusiastic and flawless performance, and only affirmed my desire to be frontwoman for a Brit Pop Band. I bounced around a lot. One thing I've noticed about shows in NYC - people do not dance. I don't know why. I guess people don't dance for the same reason people assume other people are fucking with them when they say they have an extra ticket to a show. Edgy New York. Jaded. Pompous.

But yeah. The show kicked ass. I want to see The Kaiser Chiefs once a week for the rest of time, and to see lovely British boys with their overly styled messy hair and ties. Delicious. Mark my words, readers: Kaiser Chiefs - next big thing. Hopefully not flavor of the week. My only complaint is that the show was too short, which could be due to lack of songs, which is of mild concern to me. But only mild, because the songs they do have are, each and every one of them, excellent.

There was an after party for the show at this place which claimed to have free pizza but did not. We stopped by but there wasn't much going on (band wasn't there yet) so we went to my friend's birthday party at another bar, but he wasn't there. It was sort of a party-at-a-house followed by dancing-at-the-bar, but there was a good chance that people would be too drunk after party-at-a-house to actually make it to dancing-at-the-bar. I couldn't find him there - there were tons of people and hipsters and smoke - so we stayed for only about 20 minutes because the taller people were unruly and knocking us around. Hopefully my friend wasn't there and then I won't have to feel bad about leaving. I guess I don't really feel bad. I tried. We were going to go back to the after party but I am trashed and R didn't want to drink alone. I am so responsible.

I should probably sleep, although I think the multiple rums/cokes are going to keep me up all night.