Things I Will NOT Miss About NYC (in no particular order):
* Whatever it is that the water/air does to my hair, rendering it straw-like and unmanageable.
* Not being able to afford a decent haircut. I am currently rocking the same bad haircut I got in September, which couldn't be remedied because I didn't have the heart to tell my beloved MA-hairdresser that it would be a disaster in NYC, because she had just prior to cutting my hair found out that she had thyroid cancer. Of course she was going to not give me a good haircut, but I am still suffering.
(Incidentally, whenever I get depressed I become convinced that a new/cute haircut will solve all of my problems. I have been fantasizing about layers in the front, layers that will conceal the horrifying thing that my "bangs" are doing right now. Oh, how my life would be drastically improved had I a new/cute haircut! Oh, how my life would improve were I able to without remorse spend $80 on the new/cute haircut! I am trying to hold out until MA, where haircuts will be cheap and more reliable, assuming my hairdresser is ok and still cutting hair. How sad.
And, incidentally, the "bad" haircut that Ann Hathaway has at the beginning of The Devil Wears Prada, the worst movie ever made, looks similar to the haircut I am rocking right now. Poor girl.
Did anyone read the book? Could someone please explain to me the merits of this story? Granted, Meryl Streep, as always, was spectacular.
But seriously. I found the movie painful. What was the point? Allegedly wholesome/confident would-be journalist finds herself in the big city where she has a to take a job that she doesn't want. Boo hoo. And in order to succeed at said job, she sells her soul (much like we all do here) to the "glamazons" (I liked that, I must admit) to get ahead, wears cute clothes, learns how to perfectly apply makeup, must get up at like 4 am every day to iron her hair, and voila! She's a success but is still miserable. But was I supposed to care? I didn't care. I hated her from the moment she sold her soul to get ahead. Yes, she realized it was a mistake but whatever. She was lame. Are girls supposed to liket his character? Identify with her? I would have identified with her if she hated herself for being a glamazon, but she didn't.
I don't get it.
It made me hate New York even more. I did appreciate the soliloquies regarding why the fashion industry is important. I am hoping I will feel less insecure when I live in MA again, but can I confess something horrendous? When I was in Boston on the T earlier this year, I actually found myself thinking "Wow, everyone here dresses so blandly." I felt terrible - no, I feel terrible - because its not that people dress badly, its that people just dress however they want and aren't all about the exterior. And they don't spend hundreds of dollars a month to keep up with "fashion." I'm sure there are people in Boston who do it, but here I feel like everyone does it, and I feel gross for not doing it. Blah blah blah. It's Friday night and I am waiting for D so we can attend Super Awesome Sleepover 2007!)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Better Mood
I am in a better mood because LBF cheered me up.
I was already in a slightly better mood because there was a potato in the middle of the street today (I don't know why this made me so happy but oh how it did) and the lobby downstairs smelled like lipstick. Yes, lipstick has a smell and it was in the lobby. Gas and lipstick in the same week. Crazy! Lately the Amish market has smelled like pot.
I was almost in a good mood last night because instead of crying, I decided to listen to The Drowsy Chaperone soundtrack. It, of course, made me insta-happy, which was deliciously meta because The Drowsy Chaperone is about a guy who is in a bad mood who decides to cheer himself by listening to old musical soundtracks.
I want there to be one night where I just go home. I don't want to stop anywhere, pick anything up. I want there to just be food in the refrigerator for me to eat, and ideally I won't have to cook it. I will go home directly from work, eat food, and then not have anything to do! Nothing! No laundry, no cleaning, no taking-pictures-for-Ebay, no Netflixes to watch, no Village Voice to catch up on, no phone calls remaining, no songs to record. Nothing! I will go home, eat, and stare wide-eyed at a clean apartment, all tasks completed, and I will play piano or read a book, and then go to bed early. Ah, dreams.
I have a long list of things to do. I have to sell things on Ebay. With the proceeds I have to buy things for school. I have to think about health insurance. I have to do art projects. I've actually been commissioned to do one so that's weighing on me, because I'm stumped and I have only a couple months to do it.
My goal is to have no list remaining when I move, so that the next year is without lists. Everything will be leisure. My life will be so much less hectic in MA. I will be chill, happy, enthused, energetic, etc.
Right.
Speaking of lists... I need to tend to my work list for the day and actually do something. Equipment is down and its causing me to procrastinate. Technology makes us so spoiled.
Oh. And apparently its de-lurking week? Do people know about this? Does this mean I have to de-lurk on all the blogs I read? Dear god. I don't even want to put that on any list because it will take hours.
More later...
I was already in a slightly better mood because there was a potato in the middle of the street today (I don't know why this made me so happy but oh how it did) and the lobby downstairs smelled like lipstick. Yes, lipstick has a smell and it was in the lobby. Gas and lipstick in the same week. Crazy! Lately the Amish market has smelled like pot.
I was almost in a good mood last night because instead of crying, I decided to listen to The Drowsy Chaperone soundtrack. It, of course, made me insta-happy, which was deliciously meta because The Drowsy Chaperone is about a guy who is in a bad mood who decides to cheer himself by listening to old musical soundtracks.
I want there to be one night where I just go home. I don't want to stop anywhere, pick anything up. I want there to just be food in the refrigerator for me to eat, and ideally I won't have to cook it. I will go home directly from work, eat food, and then not have anything to do! Nothing! No laundry, no cleaning, no taking-pictures-for-Ebay, no Netflixes to watch, no Village Voice to catch up on, no phone calls remaining, no songs to record. Nothing! I will go home, eat, and stare wide-eyed at a clean apartment, all tasks completed, and I will play piano or read a book, and then go to bed early. Ah, dreams.
I have a long list of things to do. I have to sell things on Ebay. With the proceeds I have to buy things for school. I have to think about health insurance. I have to do art projects. I've actually been commissioned to do one so that's weighing on me, because I'm stumped and I have only a couple months to do it.
My goal is to have no list remaining when I move, so that the next year is without lists. Everything will be leisure. My life will be so much less hectic in MA. I will be chill, happy, enthused, energetic, etc.
Right.
Speaking of lists... I need to tend to my work list for the day and actually do something. Equipment is down and its causing me to procrastinate. Technology makes us so spoiled.
Oh. And apparently its de-lurking week? Do people know about this? Does this mean I have to de-lurk on all the blogs I read? Dear god. I don't even want to put that on any list because it will take hours.
More later...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Because I Love A Good List...
... I am going to make a list of things I will miss and things I will not miss about NYC, and I will update it periodically on the blog.
And so let the listing begin!
Things I Will NOT Miss About NYC (in no particular order):
* "Heat and Hot Water Included," which is ridiculous. As Father would say "You're paying for the heat... in the elevated rent price." So true, and I wouldn't mind so much if they actually put the heat on. It was 58 degrees in the apartment this morning. So the heat that I can't control and that isn't on is "included." How very generous. I'd rather pay for heat that is on than not pay for heat that doesn't exist.
* Apartments that will never be clean. I don't know if non-New Yorkers know about this, but the city generates black dust that cannot be suppressed. Even when the windows aren't open, there's a black layer of dusty film over everything. I'll dust, and within a week everything is covered with black again. It's not normal dust. It's dark, like ash. Additionally, the bathroom is never clean. There's nothing I can do! There's blue towel residue all over everything, so instead of black dust there's blue dust all the time. My theory is that this is due to the complete lack of ventilation - no vent in the bathroom + no window in the bathroom + no circulation in the apartment = grossness.
* Seeing women on the train putting on make up in the style of a make up artist and feeling terribly inadequate.
Things I WILL Miss About NYC (in no particular order):
* Seeing Dennis Hopper in line for a movie and having nobody react.
* Being able to see movies like Army of Shadows on the big screen.
* The Amish Market.
And so let the listing begin!
Things I Will NOT Miss About NYC (in no particular order):
* "Heat and Hot Water Included," which is ridiculous. As Father would say "You're paying for the heat... in the elevated rent price." So true, and I wouldn't mind so much if they actually put the heat on. It was 58 degrees in the apartment this morning. So the heat that I can't control and that isn't on is "included." How very generous. I'd rather pay for heat that is on than not pay for heat that doesn't exist.
* Apartments that will never be clean. I don't know if non-New Yorkers know about this, but the city generates black dust that cannot be suppressed. Even when the windows aren't open, there's a black layer of dusty film over everything. I'll dust, and within a week everything is covered with black again. It's not normal dust. It's dark, like ash. Additionally, the bathroom is never clean. There's nothing I can do! There's blue towel residue all over everything, so instead of black dust there's blue dust all the time. My theory is that this is due to the complete lack of ventilation - no vent in the bathroom + no window in the bathroom + no circulation in the apartment = grossness.
* Seeing women on the train putting on make up in the style of a make up artist and feeling terribly inadequate.
Things I WILL Miss About NYC (in no particular order):
* Seeing Dennis Hopper in line for a movie and having nobody react.
* Being able to see movies like Army of Shadows on the big screen.
* The Amish Market.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Troubled
I am troubled today.
Sometimes I can't handle it. I couldn't handle it yesterday, and I can't handle it today.
Sometimes I wonder if my negative response is enhanced by non-related man-hating activities. I found out on Monday that someone upon whom I wish immense ill will got married months ago, and I flipped out. I don't know why I still care. I guess I care that someone else has the life I was supposed to have, that someone could cause so much pain and then go off and himself be happy, that someone loves him enough to marry him and nobody has ever loved me enough to marry me.
I'm a combination of jealous and pissed. This is probably the worst way to feel.
Therefore I couldn't handle it yesterday. I have a vast arsenal of defense mechanisms from which to pull possible artillery, but he really blindsided me yesterday. I chose "Focus on the Positive" and was able to do so for about two hours, during which I comforted myself knowing that this will mostly be over in two months. The finiteness of it is scary, but knowing something is powerful. Having a date on the calendar is good. I said "Are you going to bring someone with you in case you... well, you know... in case you can't call anyone afterwards?" The defense mechanism of "Be Organized, Consider Options and Think Ahead" is a good one too.
He crossed the line big time yesterday. Hugely. You can't even imagine. He crossed the line so much that I literally blocked it out for a majority of the evening, during which I allowed D to cheer me up en route to the hockey game. I blocked it out while watching Arrested Development post-hockey. I even blocked it out as I began to fall asleep during the show. The lights went out and D was chatty, and when he started to snore I had lost the window and remembered and I thought "I can't take this. Nobody should have to deal with this."
Sometimes I feel like my family is like something out of a Todd Solondz movie.
I sat with my eyes wide open, wanting to cry about someone else's happiness (that bastard) and someone else's sociopathic tendencies (that bastard). I wanted to scream. I got up after twenty minutes of this and didn't scream and cried instead, because I want all of this to be over.
No, that's not true. I want it to be 1979 and I want everything to be different.
Or I want it to be yesterday at 5:00 and I want to not do the right thing and I want to not make the phone call.
Or I want it to be yesterday at 5:45 and I want to be having the phone conversation in my apartment and not having the conversation at work and I want to scream and yell and say "What the f-ck is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how much you are still hurting people? SHUT THE F*K UP AND NEVER EVER EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!"
I nearly posted an anonymous Craigslist rant about this because I need to talk to someone about it but I feel like if I even speak the words I want to say I might implode.
Sometimes I am proud of myself for being as sane as I am.
Nobody should have to hear these things. It's weird and wrong and unsettling and wrong and weird and I don't even know. I'm glad I'm, ahem, 30. I can't imagine going through this in my teens.
Anyway.
D and I are going on a date to the movies tonight. I asked him to, because I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I'm trying to remain positive and look forward to the future, but I am scared to death to be immersed in this. What am I doing? I'm scared of the confrontation during which I say "I don't want to see you anymore" or "I can't handle this" or "You stress me out in ways I don't even know yet." Or worse, having to walk through a metal detector to have a confrontation.
D said "He's in war-time mode, where he's just trying to convince himself that what he's doing is right." D is so generous with his opinions, so positive. I agreed, because he probably is, but he's always in war-time mode. He never thinks that he's done anything wrong. It's not what he did that bothers me most (and oh, it bothers me), its how flippant he is about it. I could forgive him if he repents, repents in a way that normal people repent and in a way that makes sense, but I don't think he'll ever be able to do that, because he'll never get it. He doesn't get it. He just doesn't get it. He thinks he does, but he doesn't.
I swear I'm trying to think positively, but it's so much to handle and sometimes I can't handle it. I feel weak when I can't. I hate that feeling.
My hands are really dry. It's getting cold finally. There was a minute of snow today, at 9:55 am. Because I'd been looking online all morning for some sort of support group, I was late to work and walked in just as the snow began! See? Positive!
And D and I are going to a movie tonight, a full-priced one. We've been so obsessed with the cheap blockbuster matinee that we haven't seen a good indie film in a while.
Last weekend was good. There was dancing, and lots of it. In the apartment, in the club, in the street. I haven't danced like that in far too long. Ah, the good old days. Before any of this had happened.
This coming weekend is a long weekend with no plans other than a good ol' sleepover at MY's where we will drink and play videogames and watch lots of movies and never leave the condo.
This week has been a struggle because it is a full week, and I haven't worked a full week in ages.
OK. I'm in a bad mood, but I think at this particular point in time I am allowed to be. Hopefully my peanut butter sandwich that I brought for dinner (saving money! yeah!) will cheer me up.
Until tomorrow...
Sometimes I can't handle it. I couldn't handle it yesterday, and I can't handle it today.
Sometimes I wonder if my negative response is enhanced by non-related man-hating activities. I found out on Monday that someone upon whom I wish immense ill will got married months ago, and I flipped out. I don't know why I still care. I guess I care that someone else has the life I was supposed to have, that someone could cause so much pain and then go off and himself be happy, that someone loves him enough to marry him and nobody has ever loved me enough to marry me.
I'm a combination of jealous and pissed. This is probably the worst way to feel.
Therefore I couldn't handle it yesterday. I have a vast arsenal of defense mechanisms from which to pull possible artillery, but he really blindsided me yesterday. I chose "Focus on the Positive" and was able to do so for about two hours, during which I comforted myself knowing that this will mostly be over in two months. The finiteness of it is scary, but knowing something is powerful. Having a date on the calendar is good. I said "Are you going to bring someone with you in case you... well, you know... in case you can't call anyone afterwards?" The defense mechanism of "Be Organized, Consider Options and Think Ahead" is a good one too.
He crossed the line big time yesterday. Hugely. You can't even imagine. He crossed the line so much that I literally blocked it out for a majority of the evening, during which I allowed D to cheer me up en route to the hockey game. I blocked it out while watching Arrested Development post-hockey. I even blocked it out as I began to fall asleep during the show. The lights went out and D was chatty, and when he started to snore I had lost the window and remembered and I thought "I can't take this. Nobody should have to deal with this."
Sometimes I feel like my family is like something out of a Todd Solondz movie.
I sat with my eyes wide open, wanting to cry about someone else's happiness (that bastard) and someone else's sociopathic tendencies (that bastard). I wanted to scream. I got up after twenty minutes of this and didn't scream and cried instead, because I want all of this to be over.
No, that's not true. I want it to be 1979 and I want everything to be different.
Or I want it to be yesterday at 5:00 and I want to not do the right thing and I want to not make the phone call.
Or I want it to be yesterday at 5:45 and I want to be having the phone conversation in my apartment and not having the conversation at work and I want to scream and yell and say "What the f-ck is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how much you are still hurting people? SHUT THE F*K UP AND NEVER EVER EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!"
I nearly posted an anonymous Craigslist rant about this because I need to talk to someone about it but I feel like if I even speak the words I want to say I might implode.
Sometimes I am proud of myself for being as sane as I am.
Nobody should have to hear these things. It's weird and wrong and unsettling and wrong and weird and I don't even know. I'm glad I'm, ahem, 30. I can't imagine going through this in my teens.
Anyway.
D and I are going on a date to the movies tonight. I asked him to, because I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I'm trying to remain positive and look forward to the future, but I am scared to death to be immersed in this. What am I doing? I'm scared of the confrontation during which I say "I don't want to see you anymore" or "I can't handle this" or "You stress me out in ways I don't even know yet." Or worse, having to walk through a metal detector to have a confrontation.
D said "He's in war-time mode, where he's just trying to convince himself that what he's doing is right." D is so generous with his opinions, so positive. I agreed, because he probably is, but he's always in war-time mode. He never thinks that he's done anything wrong. It's not what he did that bothers me most (and oh, it bothers me), its how flippant he is about it. I could forgive him if he repents, repents in a way that normal people repent and in a way that makes sense, but I don't think he'll ever be able to do that, because he'll never get it. He doesn't get it. He just doesn't get it. He thinks he does, but he doesn't.
I swear I'm trying to think positively, but it's so much to handle and sometimes I can't handle it. I feel weak when I can't. I hate that feeling.
My hands are really dry. It's getting cold finally. There was a minute of snow today, at 9:55 am. Because I'd been looking online all morning for some sort of support group, I was late to work and walked in just as the snow began! See? Positive!
And D and I are going to a movie tonight, a full-priced one. We've been so obsessed with the cheap blockbuster matinee that we haven't seen a good indie film in a while.
Last weekend was good. There was dancing, and lots of it. In the apartment, in the club, in the street. I haven't danced like that in far too long. Ah, the good old days. Before any of this had happened.
This coming weekend is a long weekend with no plans other than a good ol' sleepover at MY's where we will drink and play videogames and watch lots of movies and never leave the condo.
This week has been a struggle because it is a full week, and I haven't worked a full week in ages.
OK. I'm in a bad mood, but I think at this particular point in time I am allowed to be. Hopefully my peanut butter sandwich that I brought for dinner (saving money! yeah!) will cheer me up.
Until tomorrow...
Monday, January 08, 2007
F-ed Up
There is something truly f-ed up about having to turn on one's air conditioner at the beginning of January.
The good news is that weather.com predicts "a few snow showers" for January 17th. Please please PLEASE.
The good news is that weather.com predicts "a few snow showers" for January 17th. Please please PLEASE.
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