Nuclear Football

Alternate Title: What I Learned Because The Stupid Boy Did Not Call
Genre: Musical
Date: 7.8.04


 
Description:
 
So two weeks ago a certain someone told me he'd call on a particular night and didn't.  Because I am lame and wanted to talk to him, I stayed in that night.  With nothing to do, I found myself watching The History Channel on which was a fabulous documentary about the nuclear football.  Because I am a girl, I didn't know anything about this!  I really thought there was a button somewhere, but no.  There is a dude who follows the president at all times with a briefcase that has inside it the directions for declaring nuclear war!  Crazy.  Of course I am now obsessed and had to write a song.
 
Lyrics:
 
Oh nuclear football you have the power to kill us all
Pretending to be a briefcase you can destroy the entire human race
 
You were born during the Kennedy administration
To protect our beloved nation from the reddening threats of Communism
Oh communism!
Those were the days when we feared real actual missiles
Instead of fabricating ones
Weapons of mass convenience!
In you are some memos along with a phone
The president alone he will read the words
Then he can obliterate Earth if it seems like the right thing to do
He's carrying the codes with his Master Card
 
If you're the lucky guy who's sought to carry it
You sir should be ready to follow the president
Every single minute
But what happens to you?
When the president has interns to do
 
When Reagan was shot the hospital took his clothes
And with them your codes!  Oh our nuclear woes
Elder Bush left you on the tennis court
Clinton lost your codes when he lost his wallet
 
The Soviets had one too it went missing during the coup
More like a laptop, more high tech than you!
 
But the scariest thing of all is that the only president
Who may have seen your documents in Dubya
Who read your contents to Dubya ("nuke-u-lar")
Nuclear football
Kerry save us all!
 
The only reason I know this at all is because that stupid boy didn't call!
Nuclear football nuclear football