Sexual Dimorphism

You'll all be happy to know that I am packed and ready to depart for my, gasp, week off.

I wish I felt more relaxed about the whole thing. Instead, I am uptight about not being at work and can't quite shake the feeling that my boss is mad at me for going away.

Regardless, I think I am ready to go.

With RR's assistance last evening, I packed rather quickly. She discouraged the hair straightener and fully supported tube tops, which I ended up not bringing.

I was glad that RR was there, because instead of having to stare at D blankly while stifling comments such as "HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME BEFORE?" I had RR to glare at him judgmentally and say things like "DUDE, HAVE YOU EVER MET HER BEFORE?"

D said "Let's all go for a walk."

I said "Awesome. You guys go for a walk while I pack."

"No, come for a walk."

"No, I just want to pack."

"Why don't you pack when we get back?"

"Because I want to pack now. Because it is going to take forever. And the whole time we are walking, I will be thinking 'I should be packing. I have to pack when I get back. I hate packing.' I just want to pack so it's done with."

"How long could it really take?"

"A LONG ASS TIME."

RR said "It's going to take a long time."

"Why?"

"Girls take a long time," I explained.

RR said "D, you just don't understand. This is how it is. We should start packing now."

D shrugged and said "Well, can I help too?"

"No" we said in unison.

"No, really, I want to help. I think I can help."

"No, you can't," RR said.

"Seriously. I'll tell you what you need. I'm just bringing one pair of shorts and flip flops for my vacation."

"You're bringing one pair of pants for the whole week?" I said. And then "Don't you want to wear something other than flip flops when you go out to the bar?"

"Why? Why would I want to wear something other than flip flops on my vacation?"

"Boston has dress codes," RR explained.

I said "Won't you feel weird being the only person in flip flops and shorts? What if it's cold?"

"It's not going to be," he said. D then said "All you need to do is pack your linen pants and a bunch of shorts."

RR and I recoiled in horror.

I said "Linen pants? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? PEACHES?!?!?"

"You don't want to bring your linen pants?"

"LINEN PANTS?!" we yelled.

RR shot him the look of death and said "She doesn't have linen pants."

"You don't?"

"Dude, have you ever seen me wearing linen pants?"

"Well, no, but don't girls have linen pants? Well, then, just bring your shorts."

"SHORTS!?!?!" we yelled.

"What?" he said.

RR said "She doesn't have shorts."

"You have shorts," he said. "I've seen them."

"Yeah, but I never wear them. I hate shorts."

"Just pack them."

RR said "D, you don't understand. She doesn't wear shorts. She hates how her legs look. It's just how girls are."

After this exchange I began to pack. I was doing the mandatory throw-everything-you-own-on-your-bed prepack when D appeared. He said "Can I help?" as I looked through earrings. "Sure!" I said. "Should I bring these ones?" I asked.

He said "Don't bring any earrings."

"Yeah, I know, I don't want to bring a million of them, but I definitely want to bring a few," I said. "What about these?"

"Don't bring any. You'll lose them."

"What?"

"You'll lose them. You'll put them somewhere, you'll forget them, you'll lose them."

WHAT? Where was RR when I needed her?

"D, I never lose anything." Unlike certain people who lose things all the time and unlike certain non-compulsive-listmaking types and unlike Sister who once left her eyeglasses at my apartment after spending the night, I never lose things. Never! I was insulted that he would assume that I would lose earrings. "I'm not going to lose them," I said.

"You're going to lose them."

This is why boys should not help girls pack. I calmly explained my never-failed jewelry packing technique to D who responded by saying "Well, I still don't think you should bring them."

Men and women. Mars and Venus. Blah blah blah, specifically when it comes to packing and planning, which makes travelling together challenging.

I am bringing earrings, as well as a million other items that will guarantee that my boyfriend will find me cute while on vacation.

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OK, readers, I am off! I'll be gone for a week, and I will miss you terribly.

Au revoir!

Eternal Flame

Dear Readers,

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted because I have not been sleeping enough and have not been sleeping well and because I will not really get to sleep well or enough for another two weeks.

The weekend was good. The mood began with awkwardness and starvation, then dipped after towed car, was then redeemed by fondue!, delicious martinis, old friends, a craft fair, and The Pillowman,(marvelous!), and finally ended in D's cuteness being foiled by egg allergies, oppressive heat and not enough quality sleep.

I can barely keep my eyes open today.

Tonight I get to engage in one of my favorite activities - packing! I haven't had to pack for more than 4 days away in years. This is daunting. Seven full days of clothing compacted into one bag. Should be interesting. I have to find swimwear that is hiding somewhere in my new apartment. I have to remember things like chargers and flip flops and batteries and old eyeglasses to donate. I have made a billion lists - who I am meeting when and where, who I am supposed to call when, things for D to do while I am doing things with former coworkers, bus schedules, karoake address, methods to use while trying to prevent one's head from exploding.

Is it possible, folks, that I have not planned efficiently enough to allow for a burrito at Anna's?

RR, my dear wife, is cooking a vegetarian dinner tonight and said it will be ready when I get home. How precious!

After dinner I will spend 4 hours packing for the week. I hope RR is prepared for the insanity. I suppose she knows what she's in for since she witnessed my packing for ShittyNYCDateWeekend #1 with Certain Someone last summer. I tried on no fewer than 40 outfits. "If I wear this, it might suggest this..." "Hair - up or down?" "Half up?" "What about these earrings?" "Do my boobs look ok in this?" "Do you think he prefers purple or blue?" "But with this shirt I can wear these glasses..." "I agree that this is a better shirt but it makes me look fat."

There will be none of this tonight. It will be more like "Wait - will I actually wear this?" "What do people wear to the beach?" "How many bathing suits does one bring?" "Will I wear a tank tops or things with sleeves?" "Will I really need these shoes?" "What are the odds of my actually straightening my hair?" "Should I bring nail polish?" "I wish my camera was smaller!" "Why the fuck do I suck so hard at packing!??!?!" "I HATE THIS!" "What is the weather going to be like?" "Should I bring a hoodie? Two? An umbrella?" "What if I want to be sparkly at karaoke?" "Am I going to need these earrings?" "Should I bring all the glasses?"

Yeah. It's going to rock.

I will bid you all a fond farewell tomorrow, but until then, please have Manic Mondays.

With Love, Leah Lar