Engaged

Hope you didn't get too excited. It is not I who am engaged!

Far from it, actually.

This girl in the bay across from mine got engaged whilst on her camping vacation earlier this week.

She returned, giddy, with a huge rock and a perma-smile. She claims she cried for an hour when he asked her.

I, for some reason, nearly cried when she told me.

I am emo today. Real emo.

As soon as I got the opportunity, I said "Congratulations!" and then wondered what, exactly, I was congratulating her for.

I've been thinking about it, and I think what I meant to say was "Congratulations on finding someone who likes you enough to spend the rest of his life with you!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who doesn't think your emotions are stupid!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who has emotions!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who respects you!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who will put up with you!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who likes you enough to stick with you through good and bad!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who can handle you!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who actually wants to handle you!" or "Congratulations on finding someone who makes you cry because you are happy and not because you are sad because you feel like he doesn't like you all that much sometimes."

Man. I said "Bench buddy, why does someone's getting engaged make me feel emo?"

He said "That's surprising. It doesn't seem like you since you're not really into the institution."

"I know, that's why I'm asking for you opinion. I don't get it."

He said "I think its hard-wired. I think that's just how girls are. You know how girls get when their friends get engaged. They just get crazy. That's just how girls are."

That's just how girls are.

I wish someone would explain this to boys.

D, apparently, is still mad at me for being uncomfortable about his ex-girlfriends. I said, recently, after defining "ex girlfriend" and making him tell me who they are and what the circumstances were and forcing him to just give me personal information, "Look, I don't mind if you hang out with them, and in turn, you can't mind that it makes me uncomfortable" but he refuses to allow me to be uncomfortable. Because he doesn't agree with it. He thinks its stupid to feel that way, and therefore so am I. He says "You don't trust me" and "It's ridiculous to be insecure" and "I am not going to cheat on you" and "Stop acting like you know stuff about how people are because your circumstances are just unusual."

I just want to scream "Some people are just like this! A lot of girls are like this! I am not abnormal!!!"

That's just how girls are.

That's just how I am and he won't accept it.

Emo, kids, emo.

D is allowed to be emo right now. I am being patient and supportive and there for him but it's not easy. He refuses to ask for help and gets overwhelmed and the result is consuming negativity about and frustration with everything. He is allowed to feel negative. He is not allowed, however, to ruin us because of things that have nothing to do with us. I won't let him. I am trying to be positive and patient and understanding, but it hurts.

It hurts when I feel that we could end and he wouldn't care, and that makes me think that maybe it should end. But I don't want it to.

EMO!!!! I hate being emo.

D hates that I am emo.

But I think its weirder not to be.

Ulcer Averted

Hi kids.

I saw the most sparkly movie last night.

In my efforts to kill time post-work and pre-scouting-out-of-open-mic, I dropped by the recently opened IFC theater around the corner from work and watched You and Me and Everyone We Know.

This movie was... effervescent. Amazing. Beautiful. Sweet. Heartbreaking.

I don't even know what to say, other than I know that it will be stuck to me for the rest of my life.

Dare I say this... top 10?

Possibly.

I think I need to see it again. And again. And then again. And probably 100 more times after that.

It's difficult to see a movie that has a profound effect on you and to then have nobody to share it with. I went by myself. Usually I love going to movies by myself, but I was just ruined emotionally by this movie - and its not even sad - its just so... much... beautiful... and I had nowhere to put it.

D, ever indulging the Dawson's Creek moments, met me at the theater to force me to check out the open mic. I was completely unprepared, even to speak. I couldn't say anything. He had cut his own hair and I wanted to say "You cut your hair! It looks good!" but I had no words. We walked for a bit and he was talking and finally I just cut him off and screamed "I think that was one of the best movies I have ever seen! I am deeply moved. OK. Onto other things..."

We rounded the corner and briefly walked by the open mic. It was very crowded. He said "Let's go in." I said "The talent level no longer matters because even if everyone sucks as badly as I do, there's way too many people there. I couldn't play in front of that many people, even if they are all terrible. I'm getting an ulcer just standing here looking through the window."

So that's that. The demise of the Open Mic Dream.

Interestingly, the cute-ish boy from two open mics ago, the one who gave me the fabulous compliment, was sitting at the bar by himself.

I think that I may try to get to the open mic on time next week (well, not next week, because next Monday is the Madonna-thon!) just to get a seat and to listen and make friends yeah right, without any intention of playing.

Question, readers - I imagine, were I to ever play an open mic, that I'd be more comfortable playing something silly - a la Ethan Hawke or something of that nature rather than a more personal, better composed, more emo selection. Thoughts?

After the walk-by, we went on an-almost-date to an Indian restaurant and then back to D's house to watch Brain Candy, which I'd never seen.

I was plagued by nightmares last night. I don't know why. Glass of wine perhaps? Indian food? Open mic residual panic? The movie?

I kept having dreams about my mother being antagonistic towards me (don't know why - I adore my mother), about D cheating on me, about D being a general dickhead, about D's family being mean to me.

But get this! I had a dream in which I died!

Now. You're saying one of two things. You are saying:

1. You can't die in your dreams! or
2. What's the big deal? People say you can't die in your dreams but you totally can.

I always thought I'd had dreams in which I'd died, but man. I have never had a dream like this before.

I don't remember anything other that what happened right before I woke up.

I was at a party or something - a going away party? For me? I was hanging out with RR, and we were just talking, and I was backing up for some reason, and I looked at her and she had this look of horror come across her face.

Because it was a dream, I knew exactly what was going on. I was about to die. I looked at her and she mouthed "Don't..." and I mouthed "I can't..." and then my entire back went up in flames.

I could feel the heat. I felt my back getting warm and knew it was coming.

I felt pre-death emotions in a millisecond.

Like "Fuck, I can't believe this is how its happening" and "I can't believe its happening now" and "I can't believe its happening like this" and "How embarrassing for RR to see me die like this" and "I am worried that RR will be traumatized" and "How could I have been so stupid?" and "What was I supposed to do with life?" and "Did I do enough?" and "My poor parents" and "What was the point of it all anyway?" and "Did I say everything I needed to say?" and "I wish D was here with me" and "Would he even care?" and "Do I even care?"

And then it went to black and I woke up and I swear my heart had stopped. Like I shot up in bed and couldn't breathe and was gasping and afraid and surprised that I still existed.

When I woke up this morning, I said to D "Dude, I had crazy nightmares all night last night" to which he responded "Is that why you were sleeping like right here?" as he pointed to his side of the bed.

"Write them down so you don't forget," he said.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to forget."

It was really weird. I have never experienced that in a dream before. I think I've died - or at least death has been assumed or inferred - but I've never had the death-associated thoughts before. I never actually considered it beyond "Shit, I'm drowning - this is scary" or "Being buried in snow really sucks!"

This was entirely different.

I think because it was out of nowhere. No being chased, no falling off a boat, no terrorists, no giant dinosaurs lurking about waiting to devour my family. Everything was fine in the dream and then bam! Taken by surprise and its all gone.

Today I am thinking about death and thinking "What's the big deal?" Like if I walked outside and someone held a gun to my head and I had a millisecond in real life, what would I think? I'd probably think "That sort of sucks," but beyond that, really, is it that scary to not exist?

This is so morbid. I'm not even in a bad mood. I'm just thinking about it, because I never thought I'd be afraid to die until this dream last night. I guess I've just had death on the brain lately. People dying. People responding or not responding to people dying. Grief is such a personal thing. Nobody experiences it the same way, and I bet actually dying is the same way.

OK. Stop being morbid!!!

I'm going to clean my apartment tonight. I was hoping to do it this weekend, but I am not going to be in NYC this weekend. So now I have only one night at home to do everything I wanted to do tonight, Friday night, and Saturday and Sunday. Slightly stressed. Sometimes I think I am not very good at living my life, but whatever. It's not going to kill me to stay up really late mopping.

It's just that I need sleep. Lots of it. To compensate for nightmares.

Incidentally - this really weird but funny thing happened this morning.

At like 6am I awoke and D was smothering me! He totally was! I was like "Dude! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" and he was like "To block out the light... to block out the light..." and I was like "What are you doing?" and he was trying to put this like blindfold on me. I'm not kidding. One of those blindfoldmaskthings people use to sleep with, to block out light. "No, wear it..." he kept saying and I was like "Stop! PLEASE!" because I had woken up from a dead sleep and really thought he was trying to kill me with it.

When I woke up, I was convinced that it hadn't happened and that it had been another nightmare, until I saw the mask on the floor.

He was like "Dude, what was that all about?"

"Why are you asking me? You're the one who was trying to kill me with that mask for no reason."

He said "You were complaining about the light."

"Me? What?"

"You were complaining about the light so I was trying to help."

"No I wasn't."

"You were."

"No I wasn't. You woke me up out of a dead sleep. I thought you were trying to kill me."

"I was trying to help you."

"If you say so. You're the one who talks in your sleep. Are you sure I was actually talking and you didn't just imagine it?"

"You were talking."

I should have said "Why didn't you just hand it to me if I was asking for help?" or "Why didn't you ask me if I wanted it?" or "Why on earth do you even have that?"

I don't know. I was having a lot of nightmares and didn't sleep soundly, but data suggest that it is D and not yours truly who experiences insanity while sleeping - he'll be having an entire conversation with me while he sleeps. And he'll insist I said something.

For example, the other morning I got up to get a glass of water and when I returned he said "What's theoretical?" I was like "What?" He said "You just said it was theoretical. What is?" "No, I just got here." "No, you just said..." "No, dude, I wasn't even here. Just go back to sleep" and then he'll be asleep instantly.

So I sort of think he imagined the whole thing.

But seriously. Weird.

Which is why I need to get lots of sleep tonight and possibly not mop because mopping is probably not more important than that extra 20 minutes of sleeping.

OK.

Until tomorrow...

Shout Out Louds at the Mercury Lounge - 8.7.05

I was at the Mercury Lounge again last night, this time seeing the Shout Out Louds who are my favorite band du jour.



I can't get enough of them. I really can't. I can't stop listening to the album. When I first got it, I listened to it, on average, four times a day for about a month straight. I was really excited about the show, and kept thinking "There's no way its going to live up to my expectations. It's just impossible. There's no way." I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. One two many bad shows, I guess, or one too many experiences of New Yorkers Not Dancing.

At any rate, The Redwalls opened and I think I like them. I'd downloaded a few of their songs about a month ago after hearing bits and pieces of their new album at a listening station at the, ahem, Virgin Megastore. They were quite adorable.



They look no older than 12 and appear British although they are not. I'd describe them as a cross between The Black Crowes, the Beatles, with maybe a moment or two of Buddy Holly? They rocked. Nothing you haven't heard before, but well executed by unbearably cute boys.



The Shout Out Louds. Yes. Fucking amazing. First of all, the lead singer was wearing suspenders. Marvelous! Second of all, the bassist looks like Jim Hensen. Third of all, they rocked. There's nothing I like more than a performance that builds off of what you hear on a record. Oftentimes we say "They're good live - they sound just like the album." That's tough to pull off, and admirable, but not nearly as entertaining as a band that can sound better than their albums. The live sound rocked much more than the recorded sound, which created this awesome energy at the Mercury Lounge.



There was a dude behind me who described the lead singer's voice as being a cross between "Robert Smith and that guy from Fine Young Cannibals." True, and brilliant.



They were so very good.



I danced like an idiot.



Did anyone else?

Nope.



Well, not true. There were a few enthusiastic people scattered throughout the audience, but mainly just a bunch of composed viewers standing completely still. It confuses me. How can you not dance?

I suppose I can understand not dancing. But how can you not move? At all?



I want to sell shirts outside of New York City music venues that say "Too Cool to Dance."



I was going nuts. This show could be Top 10, especially in the overall enjoyability category. It ranks quite high on the "If I had to go to the same show for the rest of time..." scale. I said to my friend "I'd like to go again tomorrow. And the next day. And really every night, if that was possible. This show is bliss."



It's interesting to see the way people experience shows. Instead of dancing people take photos.



I did both.

What Movie Is Ethan Hawke Going to See?

Genre: Waltz
Date: 8.7.05





Description:

Description:

Huge Euge asks, Huge Euge receives!

I'd originally envisioned My Mundane Life in Song as a challenge - for those of you were there at the beginning, my goal was "a song a day," no matter how awful.

It deteriorated to "a song a week," no matter how awful. Knowing I'd probably run out of ideas (really, a song a week is tough!) I'd hoped that the blog itself would generate potential song topics. Huge Euge, without knowing this, suggested a song via blog last week after The Ethan Hawke Encounter.

And here it is!

When telling people about The Ethan Hawke Encounter, I was surprised that nobody really cared. People said things like "But he's all weird now" and "He cheated on Uma!" and "But his book was so bad!"

I defended my stance on thinking this was a cool celebrity encounter, because (a) I loved Ethan Hawke - I loved him in "Dead Poets Society" and "Reality Bites." Who didn't? Admit it! Just admit it! And I loved the movie "Alive," which a lot of people don't realize that he was in.

One of my best (and worst) traits is my loyalty. In my mind, Ethan Hawke hasn't done anything on a professional level to make me dislike him. Yes, maybe he's less than appealing aesthetically these days and yes, maybe he's engaged in some morally questionable activities in his personal life, but this does not take away from his cinematic body of work. Plus, I thought he was amazing in "Hurly Burly."

So here's the song about The Ethan Hawke Encounter.

I hope you like it. Please forgive the roaring of the air conditioner in the background and the fact that this song sounds much like a bunch of old songs, namely "It Is Cool When Tons of Robots Climb on Things."

But My Mundane Life In Song should have songs, no matter how terrible they are.

And feel free to offer up suggestions for future songs.

Enjoy!


Lyrics:

What movie is Ethan Hawke going to see in Chelsea?
Why does Ethan Hawke insist on looking homeless and surly? Like a hillbilly?

Ever since the I moved to New York
I've developed an awful habit of being late to everything
It blows my mind that anyone even still makes plans with me

I bet Eugene was pleased
That I wasn't on time
Cuz if I was there wouldn't be blog entries to write

What movie is Ethan Hawke going to see in Chelsea?
Why does Ethan Hawke insist on looking homeless and surly? Like a hillbilly?

Of course I want to stalk Ethan Hawke
Even if he looks a little frightening
That doesn't make me not want to own Dead Poets Society

Yeah he looks real weird
But I don't care
Because he meant a lot to me when I was thirteen

Maybe he's getting a ticket to Wedding Crashers
Or Happy Endings
Or Mad Hot Ballroom, which I'm dying to see!
Which only proves that Ethan Hawke should be best friends with me

What movie is Ethan Hawke going to see in Chelsea?
Why does Ethan Hawke insist on looking homeless and surly? Like a hillbilly?

What movie is Ethan Hawke going to see in Chelsea?
Why does Ethan Hawke insist on looking homeless and surly? Like a hillbilly?