Irresponsible

I've officially performed my last benchwork of 2007. Woo.

There was a small birthday celebration for someone I don't really know, and someone suggested we watch this past weekend's Justin Timberlake digital short from SNL. I said "I'm not sure that's appopriate..." but people were intrigued, so I left, because, really, not good. It's funny, but not at-work funny.

I'm going to see Annie tonight. Not even Kathy Lee can deter me from Annie! No sir! Three musicals in one week. Does life get any better?

I said to D last night "What I would like out of life would be to make a living taking pictures and to see a musical every day." That would be bliss.

I've been thinking about how Mary Poppins was awesome but pointless. The pointlessness didn't bother me as a child. For a child, toys coming to life is the point. When did we become so concerned with plot? Themes? Direction? Dance numbers? The dance number to Step in Time was the best thing ever, and I was thrilled that it came in the second act. I struggle post-intermission, no matter what I'm seeing. Those writers are savvy!

I've also been thinking about how the musical is based on a movie that was based on a book, and isn't there anything original left in this world? Even Annie was based on a comic strip! Or was the comic strip based on the musical? I don't know. I'm sure I'll find this all out tonight in the program.

But seriously - what have I seen this year - The Producers (first a movie, right?), Spamalot (also a movie), The Pajama Game (based on a book), Mary Poppins (based on a movie based on a book), The Drowsey Chaperone (new! exciting! but paying homage to old-timey musicals, really a grandiose spoof but so much more eloquent than something like Spamalot), and tonight Annie. I still want to see Wicked before I go, and that, of course, is based on a book. Oh - I did see The Fantasticks, and as far as I know that was a totally original exercise that the writer blurted out when he was in school or something. So 7/8 unoriginal. Sad.

I don't know what my point is. I guess my point is that we live in an era of recycling in the entertainment industry and its sort of weird, given how much unique viral content there is on the web.

Which is why I'm not perturbed by Time's declaring YOU as The Person of the Year, because, seriously, it's Joe Schmoe Blogger who's influencing the world these days, generating buzz, making and breaking careers, etc. Everyone thinks its lame, but today's innovation is happening in a new way.

Blah blah blah.

I'm really tired today. I'm afraid I may fall asleep during Annie! No! I was up late too last night.

I had sangria with NR and drunk tagged Mother afterwards. Who does that? Me! It was the right thing to do, because when I'm in a toasty mood it is easier for me to handle things and to be optimistic. I was cracking Mother up, which made me feel good. She actually thanked me for it. Imagine, Mother thanking me for being drunk on a Wednesday night while wandering New York City alone at 11:15 pm! How far we've all come.

I got home and wasn't mad anymore, even though I probably should have been. I was impressed by the first apology he's ever issued, and wow. Being apologized to apparently works! It's much easier than having a fight. Granted, I apologized first for being overly emotional, but he apologized for blowing up for no reason. He's learning! He realized that he blew up for no reason without my having to state that he blew up for no reason! Yeah!

At midnight he said "When do you want to have The Big Talk?" Ah, The Big Talk, the future, finances, when, where, what, is the resume ready, what if what if what if what if. I said "I don't know... there may not be time before my interview!" He said "We could talk in the car," and I said "I don't know... its sort of a serious conversation to be having in the car." He said as long as we had it on the highway it wouldn't be a problem. Then he said "How about now?"

Ugh. Midnight! I love that he is naive enough to think that a discussion about the future will take 5 minutes. I was like "I don't know..." groan etc. drunken distress.

He said "Well, I have some questions to ask you."

He asked questions, good ones, and I was able to answer them. Then we talked about money, and oh please for the love of god could I please be assertive enough next time to say "I'm drunk and tired and shouldn't really be talking about the future right now because I'm not coherent and I'm overemotional and insecure" because I get so overemotional and insecure when I drink, and I worry even more than usual. I either giggle and become the most confident person ever or I am plagued by thought and self-doubt and self-loathing. It was a self-loathing night that deteriorated into my ennumerating the thousands upon thousands of dollars I've lost by living in NYC for only two years, and how that was irresponsible, and how I'll never have it back, and how if I had it this wouldn't suck so bad right now, and how we were irresponsible, and how I am scared to death to basically get rid of all my remaining money when there's nothing secure in my life - family falling apart, parents who are either helpless or homeless, no safety net, relationship not set in stone, unsure of whether I'll be good at this, unsure if I'll like it, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

Differences in life philosophies. Apparently some people can dump their entire life's worth on a whim. I'm just not like that. I wish I was, but I get concerned.

The conversation ended warmly but I was up for another two hours (that's 4 am, folks!) having a crying-induced headache and worrying about turning... ahem... 31. How has this happened?

I realized this morning that the root of my concern is that I don't want to be irresponsible about this. I feel that I've been irresponsible for the last two years and it has to stop. And we will have to stop together. I articulated this before he left for work this morning, and he seemed to understand. I am not a person who does things without thinking them through, and I've been not thinking things through due to this relationship for long enough. I'm going to plan this, and have many plans about this, and nobdoy can stop me!

Mwa ha ha!

I'm still tense, but I feel resolute today.

Anyway.

Work is boring again today. Clearly. People are watching You Tube in the conference room.

And with that... I'm off. I'm off tomorrow on another forced vacation day and then I'm off to New England to visit family and friends and new babies!

I'll be back on the 2nd.

Happy Holidays to the one person who still reads The Elusive Pringle!

What's On My Mind

Thinking about the new Rocky movie. Experiencing great distress. I find it unsettling. I don't know why I find it unsettling, but I do.

Thinking about this weird dream I had last night, in which I was a tall, large gay man in love with D. I asked him to marry me. He said "yes."

Thinking about an equally weird dream I had the night before in which I was breast-feeding a baby that looked exactly like Sister when she was a baby. I don't think the baby was Sister, but still. Weird.

Thinking about D's voicemail that he wiped out hard and there are bruises and pains but the bike isn't damaged and that's what really matters and how am I supposed to not worry? And why doesn't he answer his phone?

Thinking about D inviting me out to a movie tonight with his female friend, a movie that I asked him to see this weekend. His response to my invite was "No, that seems more like a rental... I'll pass" but now that someone else wants to go he's all about it. Trying not to think too much about it, or think negatively. I suppose I should just be happy I'm invited, but still.

Thinking about going home to no home. I know she thinks its going to be wonderfully home-y but home is not a place to which you have to bring your own sheets and bed. It's just not. It's all wrong. Home is where you are taken care of, not where you have to do the grocery shopping and cooking and planning. I don't like this sort of visit, and I want to explain why but there are so many eggshells right now. If all goes according to plan this will be the last time I have to stay over, at least for a while, because hopefully next year we can just drive home afterwards or be in the sun somewhere else entirely, sleeping in a bed that was made and eating cereal the next morning that was already there. Sure, there may not be conversation but at least there is taking-care-of-guests happening.

Thinking about cleaning at work. I dumped a bunch of stuff today. I need to consolidate. I don't know if I'm doing it because its a new year or because I want to be organized in case I don't work here in a few months. Best to treat the wronged group right.

Thinking about the future. I have asked D if he could schedule an appointment with me to talk about possible scenarios prior to my interview. I want to know "If this, then this..." He may ask when I would enroll, and I don't know because I don't know what's going on. I don't know if we'll split up. I don't know if he'll come without a job. I don't know if I'll go without a job. I don't know about subletting. I only know the ideal scenario.

Thinking about how some people only consider the ideal scenario, and somehow their lives end up so much more ideal.

Thinking about how I wish I had that sort of confidence. I don't think he realizes that you don't just get a job the moment you apply.

Thinking about how I don't really care, because there's movement and movement is what matters. I have no patience for the stagnant when there are things that could be accomplished.

Thinking about how I wish I could be the sort of person who is still satisfied when things are stuck.

Thinking about how I need to save money.

Thinking about how I hate thinking about money. Ergh.

Thinking about how I should be trying to find a new pair of headphones, because they broke again. Third pair this year. It might be time to just invest in a good pair that costs a bit more but will last more than three months in my bag.

And with that, I'm going to google.

Until tomorrow...

Wooze

I can't take another minute of being bored at work. The Boss doesn't feel like thinking until 2007. I respect this but I can't handle not having anything to do at work, especially when I'm not feeling my best. I've been feeling lightheaded/fuzzyheaded/woozyheaded/buzzingheaded for the past week and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I'm not sure if it is dietary, stress-related, or other (if this doesn't stop by 2007 I will make a doctor's appointment, I swear, only to be told to eat lots of nuts, because really, I'm thin and therefore there can't be anything wrong with me which is fine with me, but the nuts aren't working this time and I don't like this not one bit!), but it's wearing on me. I'd like to be alert! around the holidays, and alert! so as not to have to really really really struggle to stay awake at work when its a mere formality being here.

I don't feel Christmas-y at all this year. The weather? The lack of gifts? The holiday-related anxiety? The squashing of all holiday traditions? Not having a home to go home to? The almost-fainting all day long? Our party last week helped - I was Christmas-y for about two hours and then up all night after having had too much caffeine and rum but at least I wasn't feeling like I was going to faint. Maybe what I need to do is drink all the time and I'll be fine! Yeah!

The party was good. There was a child. She sat on the piano bench with me and demanded song after song. I felt responsible. I kept thinking "This might be something she remembers... what if she ends up turning into some nutjob who forces people to sing Christmas carols at her apartment when they're not quite drunk enough?" The pressure!

We also sang the entire late-80's, early-90's Disney catalogue. It always amazes me that the cops are not called.

I spent Friday feeling faint (yeah!). I didn't do much of anything, other than eat and nap and read. On Saturday I felt lightheaded (ooh!) and so slept in and then treated myself to a spontaneous viewing of The Drowsey Chaperone which was amazing amazing amazing! I found myself in the fourth row (thank you, TKTS) where there were other lonely people. See it, if you can. Dined with D's friends but was completely and utterly out of it due to head buzzing phenomenon. I know I keep complaining about this but I feel like I've just had a week of delirium during which I couldn't quite process anything. I think I am getting old, or suffering massive blood loss that I'm not aware of for some reason.

Sunday was phone calls and more phone calls and, again, feeling like crap. We went to see The Holiday which was the worst movie ever, because Cameron Diaz is the worst actress ever and her character was repulsive. The 3/4 of the movie that was Kate Winslet/Jack Black/Jude Law was charming, although the more and more we think about the Jude Law character the more horrified we become, even if he did cry convincingly onscreen and cause me to have a meltdown. We ate fondue and I passed out at like 10:00 due to, ahem, my head buzzing.

I was forced to take yesterday off without plans. I slept in although not as long as I'd have liked to since I was dreaming that it was 3:30 pm and I couldn't believe I'd wasted the entire day. I shopped and bought the best wallet ever that I keep taking out of my desk drawer to gaze upon. I also bought a dress (for the holidays - as in - maybe a new dress will help me feel festive!), which I am wearing now albeit over pants, because I will not show my legs at work, no matter how much crap I am given by coworkers. I didn't do much more than watch a movie and write/record the Christmas song, after which I had tapas with D, his cousin, and her friends who are 13 trillion years younger than us and are just as horrified by our age as we are by theirs. It's hilarious. I can't remember what I was like when I was 23 but I hope I wasn't like them.

We're going to see Mary Poppins tonight (hence the dress) so I ought to be applying lipstick for the big date.

Until tomorrow...