Chicago - Day 3

Woke up and ooh-ed and ahhh-ed over the city again:





After eating lunch, I decided to take some photos of this construction site across from our hotel:





The pictures, unfortunately, don't do justice to the colors.



D later found out that its going to be a Trump building, so now I'm not as excited. Oh well.



We then headed over to see The Bean, a mirrored sculpture in Millennium Park.

There was a cool amphitheater there that we checked out first:







There were also lovely, clean bubblers (I haven't said that in forever!):





Here's The Bean:



The Bean rules. You can see the entire city in it.





I have a billion pictures of us looking at ourselves in The Bean. When you get close to it, it just seems like a regular mirror. It is as though its not curved.

After The Bean, we tried to go to the Chicago Cultural Center.

It was, of course, closed. Some local city holiday.

We decided to go to the Marshall Field's to warm up.



It's way better than the Macy's in Herald Square. I never would have thought it possible.



We walked around the city a bit more.



We walked to the river.





We ended up at Union Station, as D is a lover of train stations.



We grabbed a cab back to the hotel, picked up our bags, took the train back to the airport and were in NYC a few hours later.

The minute we arrived at Penn Station we were saddened by the ugliness. I guess Chicago is sterile, but it is also beautiful. It is planned. It is vast. The streets are wide, the terrain is flat, you can appreciate the city as a whole from wherever you are standing. The beauty of New York if often obscured by its thin streets and tall facades. To truly appreciate New York you have to look at it from the sky or from New Jersey. Or maybe you just have to be a tourist.

Chicago - Day 2

We awoke on Day 2 to overcast skies. D watched the weather and said "It's going to snow." "When?" "I don't know. Tonight. Later."

I decided not to believe him, so wore snow-appropriate shoes (be proud, readers) and tights and over-the-knee nearly thigh-high socks and three layers of shirt.

It so snowed the second we left the hotel.

Reason #3 That Chicago Is Best: The architecture. ZOWIE. Everything there is so new, sparkly, well-spaced, well-crafted. Delicious.

Here are my favorite buildings again:



And again:



We headed to Wicker Park, the hipster-central of Chicago, where we wanted to eat at this cool place that seemed very vegetarian-friendly, funky, trendy, etc. I also wanted to go to this place called Eye Want to buy hopefully cheap frames. There was an hour and a half wait at the diner. Eye Want was closed. Hmph.

We ended up eating at this REALLY cool and REALLY cheap place down the street from our original destination. I had huevos rancheros with chips! Yeah! Then D and I split a breakfast rice pudding thing with cinammon and every imagineable fruit.

We split up because D wanted to go to a record store. I wandered through the snow and drooled over Fluevogs I will never have.



We then took the train to the Intuit Museum.



It was, of course, closed.

We hopped a bus to the Museum of Contemporary Art.

This was in the lobby:



(Maurizio Cattelan)

Amazing.



The whole museum was wonderful. Perfect size. Perfect way to enjoy a snow day.



Here is a photo of footprints in the snow, taken from the museum. So cute.



We checked out a little Chicago-themed photo exhibit in this cute building (waterworks?) after the museum, then headed back in the direction of the hotel. We stopped by this candy shop, which was the shop that supplied the candy for The Oscars:



We then stopped by Walgreen's and then a little market to buy wine and cheese and snacks for the Oscar marathon viewing.

Back at the hotel, we ordered food and then couldn't open the stupid wine with the stupid $1.59 corkscrew we bought at the market because the cork was one of those lame plastic corks. Ergh. D ended up having to bring the bottle down to the lobby to ask for help. The horror.

We drank the wine and ate too much and passed out right after The Oscars.

Romance

Scene 1 from The Company Party:

Guy 1: I am moving in with my girlfriend in June.

Guys: (looks of horror, recoiling, etc.)

Guy 2: It's all over, man.

Guy 3: Yeah, man, are you sure? What are you thinking?

Guy 2: I'm really drunk now, so I have to be honest. My wife is psychotic.

Guy 3: All women are psychotic.

Guy 2: Since I'm really drunk, you can't hold this against me, but I just married my wife for the sex. I'm serious.

Me: (look of horror, recoiling, etc.)

Guy 1 and 3: Awww yeah....

Guy 3: Seriously, though, all women are psychotic. Once you live with someone, say good-bye to your balls.

Guy 2: I know.

Guy 3: Dude, I lived with my girlfriend and it was the worst thing ever.

Me: You guys suck. You know, not all girls are psychotic! People like you make it impossible for women to even have a shot, you know? You guys are all propaganda. I'm going to get some crudite, idiots.

***

Scene 2 from The Company Party:

Me: Aw man, I just need to tell you, I am so jealous of your relationship with your wife.

Best Guy Ever: Why?

Me: It seems like you guys still have passion, you know?

Best Guy Ever: I'm still so in love with her.

Me: (sigh)

Best Guy Ever: Like there's nothing I look forward to more than spending the weekends with her, watching movies, ordering Chinese food, just staying in.

Me: (sigh)

Best Guy Ever: What?

Me: I don't know. It just seems like you guys still have it. You have romance and love. That's so rare.

Best Guy Ever: Well, I think it helped that we met in college.

Me: Definitely.

Best Guy Ever: We were young and crazy and you let yourself be more vulnerable and let yourself be swept away when you're in collge.

Me: I know, but I felt that way in college and the real world ruined us. You guys didn't get ruined. You still have it.

Best Guy Ever: I'm so in love with her. Still. You know when people say that they would die for someone? I would endure a world of pain, for eternity, for her.

Me: (sigh, sigh, more sighing)

***

Scene 3 From Company Party:

Me: Remember last week when we were talking about Brokeback Mountain?

Best Guy Ever: Yes.

Me: Remember how you were talking about that scene where he's watching him walk away, and how it was true love?

Best Guy Ever: Yes.

Me: Remember how you then told us about how you were watching your wife walk away in college? You said that you were watching her leave, walking towards her dorm, and you were simultaneously sad to see her go but elated to have her in your life, and that's when you realized "I am in love with this woman."

Best Guy Ever: I did. I realized I was in love with her at that moment.

Me: Yeah, well, I think your saying that ruined things for all men. That was so beautiful. Nobody says that about me.

Married Woman (entering conversation): Are you guys talking about Brokeback Mountain again?

Me: Yes, of course, he talks about Brokeback Mountain at all times.

Married Woman: Dude, what you said last week, about watching your wife walk away, that really f*cked me up!

Best Guy Ever: Why?

Married Woman: It was so romantic and beautiful and...

Me: Remember how he said that he used to sleep under his wife's desk when she first started at the law firm because he just wanted to spend time with her and because she was working the long hours and she was so stressed out and he would bring her dinner and then sleep there oh my god why aren't there more men like this?

Woman: (sigh)

***

Scene 4 from Company Party:

R: Leah Lar, I love you.

Me: Awww, R, I love you too.

R: There's nothing I want more than to be your neighbor when you move to Bossshhhton....

Me: That would be awesome.

R: Serioushly, I love you. And D. I love you and D. I want us to be neighborsssshhhhh.

Me: You should move to Boston. Seriously. I really want you to. Please. Yes. Move to Boston.

(hugging, kisses, etc.)

R: No, I say thisssshhh because I luf hanging out with you guys. Serioushly. I just luf you, Leah Lar.

***

It felt more like a going away party than a quarterly function. When R hugged me I wanted to cry because I apparently do have something to lose. He hugged me harder than I've been hugged since I moved here. It was the hug of actual affection, not just casual friendship. He hugged me harder than D's ever hugged me, and I thought "I don't like the idea of not knowing him anymore." I wanted to cry and have R understand. I think he would. I really think he would. I just wanted to be there all night and hear someone say over and over again that he loves me, even if he didn't mean it.

When confronted with something like this, when you know that you and your friends are going to scatter, you don't really know how to react. I found out last night through drunken confessions that 3 of my really good friends here are making plans, and I hadn't previously considered what it would be like to work without them. I hadn't thought that in order to see them ever again, I'd have to take a 6 hour plane ride. You take so many things for granted.

I wanted to make Best Guy Ever-like declarations to R, but I hesitated because I knew he'd forget and you don't want those sorts of things to be forgotten.

I think romance prevents people from feeling like they are being taken for granted. It's nice to know that someone thinks that they're lucky to have you in their life. I suppose one just assumes these things, but its nice every now and then to have someone look at you intensely and tell you. It's nice to be held onto tightly, sharing that feeling of "I don't ever want to let you go." It's nice to be able to look into someone's eyes and see it. It's nice to catch someone looking at you from across the room, their face saying "I am so lucky to have that girl." Best Guy Ever still looks at his wife that way (they've been together for over 10 years).

Sigh.

Life is so weird right now. Being insecure makes people crazy.

Chicago - Day 1

D and I arrived in Chicago after an issue with the plane's "battery" (oy) that caused a two hour delay. I didn't mind. I was out cold despite the Dramamine's being non-drowsy. Plus, I needed some sleep after not really getting any that week (stress, fighting, sad, etc.) and after having woken up at 6:00 to get to Neward on time for the flight.

When we landed we experienced a bit of travelling-with-someone-else stress when we couldn't decide if we should take a cab, take a shuttle, take the train, etc. I'd assumed that D, who was in charge of the plan, knew where the hotel was and could therefore predict what would be best, but he didn't know where it was. He called, and we determined that taking the train would be best, although we couldn't tell how far a walk it would be from the train station to the hotel.

I was getting a bit crazy because my bag was heavy and because I hadn't eaten and it was 1:00, Chicago-time. Not knowing when I'd be able to get some food was enough to drive me nuts, but I tried to hold it together. I want D to be happy, and his happiness has been revealed to be completely dependent on my own.

We hopped on the train.

Reason #1 Chicago is Awesome: Public transit. WOW. So easy and cheap to get a visitor's pass. So clearly marked. So few crazy people.

We soon realized that Chicago is very compact. If you looked at the map you'd think that it was pretty huge, but I guess we are New Yorkers and now attribute New York Scale to all things.

D asked if we could be moved to a high floor once we arrived at the hotel.

Reason #2 Chicago is Awesome: The girl at the desk said "Well, I have something on the 35th floor if you'd like." Easy.

We ran upstairs, dropped our bags, gasped, ooh-ed, ahh-ed, "I can't wait to take photos when we get back AFTER WE EAT SOMETHING."

We devoured some Chicago deep-dish and stopped over at the Museum of Contemporary Photography where, coincidentally, my favorite photographer had some photos showing! Woo!!! We tried to get tickets to Wicked (I knew there was no chance), then to the symphony (I didn't know the pieces so I exercised my veto power), then got super super ridiculously awfully cold, so we headed back to the hotel. The room was small, but we didn't care, because:







These buildings are apartment complexes. I adore them:





D cleaned the windows on the other side of the room so I could take more photos:



We walked even higher up the stairwells:





We just stared and stared and stared:



The sun went down:



We'd read in Time Out Chicago that there were going to be fireworks along The Magnificent Mile (magnificent for its shopping!), but we didn't know where they would be. I was feeling a little sluggish after flying and starving and being generally disoriented, so I said "Maybe can we just stay here and hope to see them from the hotel?"

This turned out to be the best option possible, as the fireworks were right outside the hotel:



We were literally right on top of them:



I've never been on top of fireworks before. The whole hotel was shaking:



After the fireworks and after my nap (woo!), we set out in search of steak and cheese. Steak for D, and cheese involving Mike Ditka's bar. Heh. We found an amazing restaurant that had an entire section of its menu devoted to potato! Super fancy, super good, super worth the many many many dollars we spent. We then went to Ditka's because we figured it was the most tourist-y thing to do, where they did not have ciders so D said "Let's get out of here." We ended up at a bar on the 96th floor of the Hancock Tower, where the best view, I must admit, was from the ladies' room.

Then we went back to the hotel, stared out the windows some more, and completely passed out.

They Went to Chicago To Feel Better...

... and it worked.

My time in Chicago was spent:

Continuously marvelling at my boyfriend's uncanny sense of direction. The man cannot be lost. It is impossible. He has superpowers.

Marvelling, then, at the fact that D is afraid only of the one thing that I am not afraid of, which is heights.

Looking out windows and saying "I could do this all day."

Discussing what makes a city a good city. Then, of course, debating what traits the perfect city would have, discussing ease and method of public transportation (above ground trains are the bestest), use of space, cleanliness, brightness, homogeneity of architecture (he said "I prefer gritty, this is too sterile"), kindness of people (he said "Sometimes it's not good for people to sugar coat things. At least New Yorkers tell it like it is" to which I responded "Why do I need to be told how it is by a complete stranger behind a cash register?"), proximity to water and mountains, diversity, etc.

Saying "This is my favorite city" to one another, over and over again.

Saying "I'm having so much fun!" to one another, over and over again.

Remarking that this was the first time we'd ever gone away, just us, and how it's actually quite nice, isn't it?

Declaring "We should do this more often!" and then listing various cities in the middle that we've never been to that need to be seen to compile data about the perfect city, such as Detroit, Indianapolis, we should perhaps visit Wisconsin, etc. etc. etc. "We will take more long weekends!" "We should visit every city that has a Cereality!" "We have to go to Europe soon soon soon please could we maybe just plan to?!"

Looking up and whispering "This is so beautiful." He kept saying "How do they keep it so clean?" and then "It's because in New York City there's SO MUCH corruption."

Having my guard be down, noticing that I live now with my guard up and wanting to be a person who has the capacity to be friendly to strangers.

Realizing that a Friendly City is not a place I've ever lived.

Not missing New York City at all.

Wanting to live somewhere entirely new.

Wanting to share entirely new things with D all the time. There's something sweet about experiencing something for the first time at the same time, even if I'm always confused and he always knows exactly what's going on. I love sharing the awe and the panic and the newness.

Gasping at how little natives of Chicago wear when its ridiculously cold outside. "Open jackets in the snow? Are these people insane?" "They are not even wearing hats!" "It's not actually that windy... but damn is it cold."

Etc.

Photos forthcoming...

Crash? NO!

Speaking of Paceys and Joeys, is it not the best thing ever that a Dawson's Creek alum was nominated for an Oscar? How adorable did Michelle Williams look post-baby in her yellow dress? Sigh. I thought she was prettiest.

And yes, I did in fact watch The Oscars while in Chicago. When D proposed going away for the weekend, I said "Only if I am able to watch The Oscars from our hotel room in the sky."

D, who has never seen The Oscars, agreed. Bless him.

Some thoughts:

1. Michelle Williams = prettiest.

2. John Stewart was great. I thought he was irreverent and wonderful. Others seem to disagree, but I don't care. He had me laughing out loud.

3. Naomi Watts looked awful.

4. Selma Hayek is ridiculously gorgeous and I therefore hate her.

5. I was psyched that Phillip Seymour-Hoffman won, although I felt bad for Heath Ledger. He really did do a great job. It was an amazing year for movies.

6. Which is probably why Good Night and Good Luck didn't win anything.

7. But that is ok because they gave The Oscar to The Cloone to make up for it. I have nothing to say about George Clooney other than sigh. And more sighing. I love that straight men have crushes on George Clooney. I love that Oscar Winner George Clooney used to be on The Facts of Life.

8. Reese Witherspoon never fails to cute me to death.

9. Crash!? WTF?!?!? I am still in denial about this. Not even Don Cheadle could save that one. That was actually one of my most-hated movies of the year. It was so obvious. It beat the audience over the head with every little thing. It has been done. It's nothing new. It's nothing!!! I hated that movie! I am so so so so very very very very upset.

10. At least Ang Lee won. He, too, is too cute to handle.

11. The short film I wanted to win did not win, but I understand why the Irish one did (the one with the bloody bunny).

12. Keanu Reeves. Oscar presenter. I have no idea. I think its safe to say that we will never be saying something like "I love that Oscar Winner Keanu Reeves starred in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."

13. I feel bad for Munich. It was such a good movie, and in any other year it would have cleaned up.

14. I will always be in love with the guys from The WETA Workshop.

15. Felicity Huffman has obscenely straight teeth.

16. On the topic of makeup - how do these women (or, how do these women's makeup artists) apply makeup so as to look like they are not wearing any makeup? Miraculous and beautiful.

17. Dolly Parton - whoa! She's so difficult to look at yet her personality is adorable. I just don't know what to make of her. I also don't know what to make of movie interpretive dance. I thought they weren't doing that anymore!

18. Rachel McAdams is so irrelevant. Why did she get to host the science/technology pre-Oscar ceremony!?

19. The guys who made Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were Rabbit won, and they were wearing matching absurd ties, and came prepared with little matching absurd ties to put on their Oscars!

20. Random movie genre montages. Right.

21. I think Crash only won because it is set in LA. Hmph. Stupid academy.

22. Watching The Oscars in Central Time is way easier than watching them on the east coast. They ended early! I never once thought "Oh my god I have to work tomorrow will this ever end?" Then again, I didn't have to work the following day so perhaps that's why I didn't care.

Regardless, it was a lackluster evening. Lots of lame-ish not-quite-celebrities like Jessica Alba. I wasn't as interested in the show as I was in the cheese and crackers and wine I consumed while watching from bed. Ah, hotels and your large beds and TVs without static.

Talking

I read Talking It Over by Julian Barnes on planes this weekend. It is the same story told from the perspectives of the three characters involved. It, as literature tends to, revolves around fidelities and infidelities and pain and things changing. It was agony. I think it resulted in the many nightmares I had while in Chicago.

There were two points I found particularly interesting.

The first was located during one of the male character's accounts. He said that people are part of one of two groups - entertainers and audience. He said that members of the audience don't appreciate how hard it is for the entertainers to entertain. He said that it broke his heart a bit when he couldn't make his wife laugh, and how he resented her since she had no idea how difficult it is to entertain.

I had two thoughts about this:

1. Does it break D's heart when I don't laugh at his jokes? (a rare occasion) Sometimes he tries too hard, and trying to me is not funny. Natural and witty humor is, to me, the best kind. I think D is really, really, obscenely, wonderfully funny. This is one of the things I love most about him. I love that he is silly. He once asked "Do you still think I'm funny? It seems like you don't anymore." I said "I don't think you're as funny when you try to be. I think you're funny when you're not rehearsed. When you're just being yourself." "You probably, then, don't support my stand-up comedy aspirations." "I do," I said, "Because I support you and everything you want to do. I just don't always, well, support people who want to be noticed."

2. Which brings me to the second part. If the entertainer has chosen to entertain, or the entertainer so desperately wants to be noticed, why is he/she being a martyr about it? Those of us in the audience are perfectly fine being here, disappearing into the masses, not being seen. There's no reason entertainers have to entertain, other than their needing some sort of affirmation from the rest of the world. I guess, then, that's sort of sad, and maybe what the character meant was that it's hard for him to get his worth from the reaction of his wife?

I don't know. I love funny people. People in the audience are drawn to this sort of person because we are not funny, we are not noticed, and we are in awe that people can possess this sort of desireable personality. Most of my friends are clever, witty, effortlessly hilarious people. I just don't want to be responsible for someone's self esteem that is based on joke-telling ability. Not that I think D's feelings are hurt. And I pretty much always laugh. But the book got me to thinking - is he being funny for me?

Point the second: the female character discusses love, and said that there is being loved (which is secure and fabulous) and there is being adored (which is passionate and being truly known and being truly understood). Passion can never last, but it is so hard to walk away from.

I wrestle with this. I am a person that has given into passion and I have to admit that it was the most wonderful thing. I miss it, often want it again, and know I'm never going to have it again. I know that this is the right thing, though, because I know that it only results in disaster, heartbreak, and utter ruin.

Which is why the Joeys will always end up with the Paceys of the world, because ultimately safe love is what can be sustained.

No Longer Exists

I called Mother from a cab on Friday night, after visiting a coworker who is in the hospital. I was calling to tell her that D and I had spontaneously decided to go to Chicago, and that I'd be leaving the following morning at the crack of dawn.

I don't know why I was calling. I guess I wanted to make sure that she had ample opportunity to worry about the flight. Additionally, it would be weird to talk to her this week and to tell her about my weekend. I think she would feel left out not knowing that I was taking an unplanned vacation.

While we were talking, she said "Oh, I keep forgetting to ask you, did you know this guy MF?"

"Yes."

MF was somebody I went to middle and high schools with. He was a nice guy. He wore a baseball cap all the time. He had small eyes. He wasn't in my classes or in my group of friends, but he was around. I knew him. You know everyone in a small town, especially when your class size is 108 people. I hadn't thought about him since high school.

"He died."

"WHAT!?!?"

"They mentioned it in church and then I read his obituary in the paper. He apparently was living in Franklin, alone, his parents still live in Medway, and he lost his battle with a long illness."

I thought about MF all night.

It is weird to hear your Mother mention the obituary of someone your own age, who you knew, who was part of your life every single day for seven years, who no longer exists.

It is weird because I didn't even realize I had any neurons associated with MF, but the minute she said "he died" I crumbled.

Freak accidents are one thing, but illnesses? I kept thinking of MF battling cancer all by himself in his condo, unable to marry or have a girlfriend because he felt too bad about it. I thought of him with some sort of weird blood disease, painful and isolating. I thought of him decaying. What kind of illnesses do 30 year old people die from other than cancer? I don't even know.

I told D about it. I said "Someone from my class died. This is so weird. My heart is broken and I don't know why." I told him that Mother read his obituary in the newspaper.

"Does your mother make a habit of reading obituaries?"

"No, she probably just saw it because it said Medway or because it said he was 30 years old. She probably thought of me, because I'm 30 years old." And I'd just called to tell her I was getting on a plane which, of course, freaks Mother out.

"I wonder if he's a 'beloved c-nt,'" D said, referencing my favorite episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm wherein Larry David's friend prints an obituary for Cheryl's aunt, and accidentally mispells "aunt." Ah, such a good episode, but being mentioned at such an inappropriate time.

"Dude, he's dead," I said. "This is serious," I said, evoking our new relationship policy wherein I say "this is serious" when I want D to take what I am saying seriously and not make jokes or deflect the topic.

I appreciated his attempt to lighten the mood, and it's not like MF was a good friend of mine. D had no reason to think that I was traumatized.

But I was, of course, because I am me, and have too many feelings.

Wierd, though. I keep thinking about it every now and then, and I just can't even grasp what I'm thinking. Obituary for someone I went to middle school with. Weird.