Geography

National Geographic came out with a survey about the world and American kids aged 18 - 24 performed poorly.

I took the questionnaire, and everything was fine, but it is occurring to me that I know absolutely nothing about geography. Nothing! I don't know where anything is. If I am looking at a map I can pick things out, but if I try to imagine in my head which country El Salvador is I have absolutely no idea. I might know where it is in relationship to other countries, maybe, but unto itself? No clue.

I have never been good at geography. And since I am getting dumber with time and have Alzheimer's and can't remember anything I read or see and can't even remember what entire books or movies were about (for example, the other day I had to ask D what 2046 was about because yes, I saw it, but I can't remember anything about it), things are getting much worse.

I hate that my mind is going. I used to be smart. I was a smart kid. I was smart in college. As soon as I hit the real world, the dumbing began. I instantly forgot everything I had learned. I can't remember song lyrics. I can't remember where restaurants are. I can't remember what happened in the news a week ago. I can't remember what I read three seconds after reading it. I can't remember entire books. I will remember if I liked them or not, but can I quote from a movie? Absolutely not. I can't remember what normality is. I surely can't remember how to calculate it. I can't remember neuroscience. I can't remember who directed what movie. I'm not even good at the Kevin Bacon game anymore. I can't remember what words mean. I used to be complimented on my vast vocabulary. Now I have to ask D what he's talking about because I'm not sure what his words mean.

I have, however, evolved an uncanny ability to remember what people say. I can also remember movie times and dates, but only dates in the future. If I know something is happening in the future on a particular date, awesome. If it already happened? It's as though it never happened at all.

I don't know if this is because I am getting older or because I can't focus as much as I used to or because there is just too much information in my brain or, most likely, because I am not sleeping enough and am in a daze a majority of the time. Or maybe things are spread too thin. I think this is it. I think there is so much going on in the world, so much stimulus, that I don't concentrate on any one thing and therefore don't commit anything at all to memory and therefore can't incorporate anything that happened or was learned into my neurons.

Sometimes I actually worry that there is something wrong with my brain.

Mostly I'm just embarrassed and keep quiet and don't participate in conversations that involve trivia or politics or news.

I'm a sham.

I'm a scam.

I have everyone fooled, and I'd be lying if I said that I don't worry that someday D will find out. There will come a day when our child is doing homework and asks me to point out Azerbaijan and I will have no idea, and D will walk out immediately. He will be disappointed. He will feel fooled.

I've become more conceptual with time. I definitely want to make crafts instead of learning about my field. I want to sit on the grass reading fiction instead of reading nonfiction, which I will forget instantly. I want snippets instead of depth. I'd rather talk to a friend for two hours than read The New York Times. Not that I ever read The Times, but people do, and I feel stupid for not reading it.

I have no idea what's going on in the world. I've been so out of touch since the move. It is atrocious how unconnected I am right now.

I've been staring at maps all day, trying to remember where things are. I am wondering why so many mountain ranges begin with "A." Is this on purpose? I am trying to memorize things I will have forgotten by tonight.

Ugh.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

More later.