Time

I feel like time is an entirely different commodity to me than it is to other people. I have so little time that I am very particular about how my time, when it is available, is spent.

It is hard to explain this to people who have nothing but time on their hands. I get extremely anxious when I feel like my time is being wasted (killed - how can people have time to kill? and then how can they kill it?) or when its allocation is being dictated by others.

I enjoy relaxing, and I try to set aside a certain amount of time each week to be in my apartment, either reading a book (lately magazines) or watching a movie. This being said, I have had two unopened Netflix movies sitting on top of my TV for the last two weeks. How have I not had two hours in the last two weeks? I've also had an unopened New Yorker for two weeks.

On top of this, I haven't had time to make phone calls. I haven't had time to blog. I haven't had time to consider the future, which is up for grabs right now. I haven't had time to blog much or find new music, while others around me have little to do.

I also like to be busy, and lately have been trying to do as much as possible in the city. I don't mind not having time as long as my time is being spent doing wonderful things.

I guess I don't have a very strong sense of obligation anymore. Being removed from everything I used to value has made me selfish. I like being in control of my own life, and value having a boyfriend whose time philosophy overlaps with my own. He does, however, have a stronger sense of obligation than I do, even to my own family. But he also has the ability to engage in obligatory activities and then remove himself from them completely while they are going on. For example, when visiting his family he is able to just leave for hours on end and think nothing of it. He has been known to go bowling by himself, or for long runs, or just walk away in the middle of a conversation to read a book.

When I am visiting my family, that's what I am doing and that will be my focus. I don't feel right about being with someone and then being like "Um, hey, I know I never see you, but I'm going to stop this conversation and read the newspaper." Other people seem to think this is fine. I know that I am the weird one. When I visit with people, and when visited by people, I want to be engaged and get caught up and have conversations and experiences and not kill time.

Granted, reading a book or going for a walk are not time-killing activites. But they are substitute activities. If I could do anything I wanted to be doing right now, would I be reading this book? Would I be watching this DVD? Would I be taking this nap? No. I am only doing these things because they are the only things available to me right now.

When planning for my birthday visit, my Mother said "I don't mind not doing anything," when I suggested different things we might do, like visit the cathedral, take the tram, go to the MOMA, etc.

I said "Well, I do mind."

And then I realized that people think about time differently. I guess I want to maximize each unit of time, whereas others just want the time and don't necessarily need to do anything with it.

I don't know. I guess I am selfish and crazy, but I'd rather be selfish and crazy and absorbing the world than letting it pass me by.