It Doesn't Feel Any Different....

... yet.

My Mother called to say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY! You are now...30!" as she cutely does every year. She calls after the exact time I was born - which was 3:32 pm - to wish me a happy birthday.

I swear she gasped before saying "30."

I wonder if this makes The Parents feel old. Now, when asked if they have children and if so, what are their ages, they will have to say "Our oldest is 30..." and they will be met with looks of horror. The answer to the dreaded next question, "Oooo! Do you have any grandchildren?" will be met with even more horror.

I think 30 hurts because I now officially feel like I might be running out of time. I am running out of time to write my musical, to play open mics (I am too old for this now, I think), to finish a screenplay, to find a new career, to switch into said career, to procreate, to figure myself and everything else out.

Panic.

It's not society anymore. It's not "How DARE society tell me where I should be in my life? If I don't want to married, I shouldn't have to be! How DARE society judge me?"

Now it's "Hmm.... I probably should want to be somewhere in my life, and I think I know where that might be, and since I am not there, I should probably be taking steps to be there. But what are those steps? Wasn't moving from Boston to NYC the big step? Wasn't everything supposed to make sense after I moved?"

I am listening to Everyone's Favorite Physicist's radio show being broadcast from CA, and it is making me weepy. He is an amazing friend and is playing some songs as a birthday tribute (although he did say, on the air, "Wow, it must suck to turn 30"). He's playing Long, Long, Long by The Beatles right now, which I covered in my mid-20's. Hearing all of these songs played together makes me think I've at least figured some things out, such as my taste in music.

Not to mention that I've made some amazing friends along the way. I guess I'm accomplished in that aspect of my life. It's nice that someone can know you well enough to play an hour of music that you love.

Thanks, KC. Thanks for paying attention and for remembering things about me. You rock.

Of course this makes me sad, though, because I miss everyone. I especially miss everyone in MA - thank you for remembering my birthday and for e-cards and cute voicemails and for letting me know that you remember me at all.

I'm having a birthday party tomorrow. I am excited, but it doesn't feel like those delicious times in Somerville when planning a birthday party was fun and easy and exciting because I had my sidekick LBF for support. It doesn't feel the same because I didn't know where to meet for drinks before karaoke because I don't have a favorite bar in the East Village. It doesn't feel the same because the people at the party will be people I know fairly well instead of favorite friends.

Sigh.

On that note, I must leave. D, like last year, has planned a mysterious night for us out on the town. I am excited, because D always comes up with fun things for us to do. I don't know anything about what we're doing, other than it involves a ticket, a seat, and it begins at 8:00 and is not near my apartment.

Until tomorrow...