I Think I Need A New Heart (For Real)

I couldn't sleep last night.

I experience phases of insomnia.

This isn't one of them. I couldn't sleep last night because we dined with D's cousins and her friends until midnight. I was a zombie by 11:00, and luckily D's astute cousin realized and was trying to extract for about half an hour before we made our escape.

I was still a zombie when we got home, and by the time my head hit the pillow at about 1:00 am I was, of course, wide awake, having missed my sleep window and also done myself a great injustice by eating post-10:00, which is something I try to avoid as I know I will not sleep.

Last night was particularly vexing as there was nothing I could do to combat the sleeplessness. Normally, when unable to sleep, I sneak out of the bedroom with pillow and alarm clock once D has fallen asleep, and watch TV or read until I pass out on the couch. This was not an option last night as D's cousin was sleeping on the couch. D was dead asleep as well, forcing me to sit with eyes wide open in the dark for an hour trying to figure out what to do.

I contemplated going for a walk, but I'm always afraid that will freak D out. I listened to my Learn Italian Podcast for a bit but have decided that I hate the guy and therefore was only more agitated.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I try to think of sweet, comforting, and relaxing things. My thoughts somehow turned to Former Favorite Ex-Boyfriend last night and I thought about how adorable he used to be when I couldn't sleep, and how he was always available when I was sad or distressed or stressed. I could call him at any hour and he would appear and stay up with me. He would talk to me or just be there or try to distract me until I fell asleep. He also used to squeeze my head when I had headaches until it felt better, and he would do this for eternity if that's what it took to make me feel better. I wasn't ready for him. I was too young and too critical and I didn't appreciate these things and instead focused on the bad.

Of course there were bad things. Really bad things.

I then got to thinking about Most Hated Ex-Boyfriend, and thought of how he always knew just what to say and how he'd call when he knew I was down and how he could cheer me up with a nickname. He would sing a silly song. He'd make up alternate lyrics. He always knew exactly what to say without my having to tell him. He was my biggest fan. I've never had more self esteem in my life than when I was with him and it was at that time that I should have had none.

Of course there were bad things. Really really bad things.

I've been thinking about these two men a lot lately, and I'm not quite sure why. I think in a lot of ways I was spoiled by having men who knew me effortlessly and who adored and satisfied me without my having to make demands. I never had to ask with these men. I've never had to ask anyone until now.

I've experienced extremes. I've been lucky to have been felt the sweetness and devotion and caring of which men are capable, and have been cursed to have experienced the supreme depravity to which they can succomb.

D wants us to just forget past relationships. "None of that matters," he says. "It's us now, and that's all that matters, right?"

I understand where he's coming from. Baggage is bad. I don't want baggage, but I have a ton. Seriously. Tons, even. The hurt still hurts (though not as much) but lately I can't seem to shake thoughts of the lovely things that I wish to still have.

I wanted to wake D up and to say "D, I can't sleep. Will you talk to me about something to take my mind off it?" but I didn't want to wake him. I also didn't want to have to ask, because I didn't use to have to ask. I used to call or look at him and he would know what was going on without my saying a word and know what to do and make me so very happy and make me feel so very loved.

How can I just forget that feeling?

And how do I ask for things? I'm not good at asking for things and I don't know why. Of course he would stay up and hang out with me. I'm sure he would be glad to. Maybe I just want him to want to, and having to ask makes me feel like he doesn't want to.

But that's not really the case, right?

He just needs to be told, and I need to learn how to tell him what I need.

I'm so too old for this.

OK. Off to class, and I don't know where to go for dinner because Pita Pit, my normal pre-class provider of meals, has been closed by the Department of Mental Health and Hygiene. Awesome.