Fancy Hotel

LBF, I hope you are happy! See? I'm blogging! Hiatus = OVER!

D and I stayed in a fancy hotel on New Year’s Eve. We are not the type of people who are prone to staying in fancy hotels. D just isn’t into them, whereas I would stay in a fancy hotel every night of my life if I could. I love hotels. I love being in a hotel. I love the big, comfortable beds. I love being in a room that’s nearly the size of, if not bigger than, my entire apartment. I love not having to worry about towels and sheets and noise.

I heart hotels.

This hotel was way too good for us. D said “This is the nicest hotel I have ever been in.”

I’ve been in nicer hotels, but I didn’t tell him, because that would involve territory I didn’t want to visit on a happy day.

We decided to stay in a hotel on New Year’s Eve because we knew we’d want a good night’s sleep. We spent the prior 10 days doing this: bed at The Parents’, air mattress at The Parents’ for a couple days, same air mattress at Sister’s for a couple days, bed in NH, futon in Somerville… You get the idea. We wanted not only a bed, but some time alone. To celebrate. Yeah.

Issue #1 with hotel:

The hotel is fancy. Very, very fancy. I took a shower and wanted to do my hair for New Year’s Eve! Very important to have good hair on New Year’s Eve. I went to the bathroom to dry my hair and there was, gasp, no hair dryer! Wtf!?!? I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. I looked in every drawer, I looked under the TV, I looked under the bed. No hair dryer!

I tried to call room service, but the phone didn’t work! “D, there is no hair dryer and the phone doesn’t work!” D tried to use the phone but couldn’t. He said “Let’s try this one…” because there were multiple phones in the room.

I heard the woman on the other line saying “Wah wah wah wah wah…” D seemed optimistic, so I figured they were bringing one up.

“There’s one in the bathroom behind the armoire. It’s in a burlap sack.”

“What? There is no armoire in the bathroom!”

There was no armoire in the bathroom.

Wait a second… the hair dryer is in a burlap sack behind a piece of furniture?

We went into the bathroom to confirm that there was not an armoire.

“Wait a second!” I said, pulling the leopard print bathrobe from the door, only to reveal a hidden hair dryer in a burlap sack.

Obviously hair dryers in fancy hotels are secretly contained in burlap sacks on doors behind leopard print robes!

Issue #2 with the hotel:

The hotel is fancy. This meant that the hotel had pretty, fancy curtains!!! There was one yellow, sort of sheer curtain that obviously didn’t block light but provided lovely ambience. The second curtain was really thick and luxurious and red.

When D and I got home from Sister’s show on New Year’s Eve, I immediately went to shut the curtains. I untied the big red curtains and tried to pull them shut, but they didn’t cover the entire window! “Wtf?” I thought, again. I tried very hard to pull them together, but they wouldn’t. The panels covered only about ½ of the total window.

“D,” I said, “Am I retarded? Or too drunk? I can’t get these to close!”

D tried, and said “I guess they don’t close.”

“Well, that is ridiculous. This is a fancy hotel! The least they could have is curtains that close!”

D and I didn’t sleep well, which was ironic given that the whole point of staying at the fancy hotel was to get a good night’s sleep. I didn’t sleep because I got an insta-headache from all of the champagne I drank. D didn’t sleep because he was wired or something, and because the light coming through the window prevented his getting back to sleep when he woke up at about 5:00 am after we’d gone to bed at 3:00 am.

Because he couldn’t sleep, D got up to run along the river. When he returned, I heard him scurrying about and suddenly it was dark! I didn’t think anything of it. I just figured we were really drunk the night before and unable to function.

Apparently when he’d gone running, D looked up at the windows and saw that everyone had somehow closed the curtains.

And this is because there were shades. The curtains = decorative. The curtains were closest to us, the sheer thing was the middle layer, and the shade was closest to the window. Three layers? Who knew?

We’re such idiots. I’m just not used to the fancy!

Issue #3 with the hotel:

The hotel is fancy. I thought the restaurant would be super good – clever and interesting, like the hotel. I decided that I wanted to order room service for dinner because I love room service. I have no reason to love room service. I think I’ve ordered it once and every other attempt at room service has been foiled by whoever I was sharing a room with or by the wrong hours or the prices or something.

I said “D, we have to get room service because I bet every restaurant will be crowded because its New Year’s Eve and we don’t have reservations.” I think this was as much of a legitimate concern as it was an excuse to get room service.

D didn’t resist at all, but when we got to the room I was disappointed to learn that the restaurant (and therefore room service) had nothing vegetarian other than one dish that, of course, involved room service.

We decided that we’d get room service in the morning instead.

We called to order scrambled eggs, homefries, and toast, with bacon on a different plate.

D said “I bet they’ll just get it from the buffet.”

“You think?” I asked, trying to preserve my room service dream.

One hour later = no room service.

D called. They said “It’s coming right up! It left two minutes ago! It’s on the house!”

Sweet.

Ten minutes later = no room service.

It finally arrived, cold, clearly from the buffet, with an English muffin, untoasted, instead of toast.

Ewwwww.

So we didn’t really sleep or get to enjoy room service, but we had great fun living the fancy life anyway. And we had a marvelous and not very scary conversation about “The Future” that was not initiated by me! Whoa! I will leave with fond memories of our night in the fancy hotel, even if our time there made me feel like a moron.