Bad Things about King Kong (Note: MANY SPOILERS!)

1. The dialogue at times.

2. The complete and utter preposterousness of every single thing that happens in the movie. Seriously. Every single thing, from character interaction to animal behavior to decisions made to things that happened etc. I knew that it was going to take a lot of disbelief suspension to deal with an island inhabited by very big things, a woman falling in love with one of them, etc.

3. Many Many Preposterous Things about “King Kong:”

a. Jack Black, a movie producer, just happens to have a mysterious map to a mysterious island – it is not explained why or how he has it

b. The Jack Black character is a producer at all – no way. Nobody would have given him money to do anything

c. The Jack Black character, despite having his movie cancelled, manages to convince an entire crew as well as movie studio employees to go with him to a deserted island.

d. Naomi Watts consents to going away on a boat with him 5 minutes after meeting him.

e. Adrian Brody doesn’t run off that boat immediately.

f. Adrian Brody is CUT – there was no money around to be eating and also he was a nerdy playwright.

g. Despite the fact that they changed course to not go to the island, they end up there anyway at random! (D said this was because the island has some sort of magical pull, but that’s even more ridiculous!)

h. Despite the island’s being really small, none of the animals really avoid each other and know of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

i. The island is small enough that within a few hours of landing Adrian Brody is able to find Naomi Watts.

j. Adrian Brody went after Naomi Watts at all.

k. Despite the fact that the boat almost sank and they had to empty all of the furniture etc. to get it to float, the crew is then able to sail a 30 foot gorilla to New York City.

l. Did I mention that it’s all too coincidental that the boat captain is a person who goes around collecting wild animals so happens to have a ton of chloroform aboard the ship to sedate a 30 foot gorilla?

m. Did I also mention that it’s absurd that the Captain, who was actually pretty awesome, consented to do anything for Jack Black at all? Why wouldn’t he just turn around immediately when he found out that Jack Black wanted to go to Skull Island?

n. The Captain and his crew are able to kill a zillion huge bugs in about five seconds and seriously, they all disappeared and there were a zillion of them.

o. Then there’s the whole “There’s a mysterious island where dinosaurs still exist and there are big huge versions of animals that exist in the discovered world, such as huge bats, crickets, and, well, gorillas.”

p. And then there’s the whole thing where the film crew gets to the island, immediately encounters human skeletons that have been impaled, torn limb from limb in some sort of sacrificial ritual, and they do not immediately turn around! They stay there! Nobody would just stay there! At the very least they would go back to the ship and discuss staying. They then see that there’s a weird aboriginal tribe there, and they don’t leave! Jack Black offers one of them a candy bar! Never never never would this happen!!!

q. There are so many more but I am just going to stop for now.

(Note: I realized going into this that it would be absurd. I knew the general premise. Giant gorilla on an island, girl falls in love with giant gorilla, giant gorilla somehow gets back to New York City and climbs Empire State Building and beats chest. I could have dealt with that. It was more the human behavior that annoyed me – like this would never happen because at so many points the story should have just ended.)

4. The movie seemed long to me. It really did. It felt like three hours. I think it was because it could have been three separate movies. Act I: Thestory of a sad girl and a sketchy movie producer whose paths cross in down-and-out New York City. The adventure begins! Act II: On the island our heroes encounter a bizarre land! Act III: After escaping the bizarre land, our heroes have to come to terms with things back in New York City. I really loved Act II. It was amazing. The movie is worth seeing just for this. I also liked Act I a lot, but it got a bit tedious at times. Act III did nothing for me.

5. There was a kid on the crew who was reading “Heart of Darkness.” Must you be this obvious? Was this perhaps in the original? I don’t know. I really need to see the one from the 30’s or whenever it was.

6. The tribe.

7. Many giant bugs, but that’s just personal. I thought I was going to have nightmares all night. As loyal readers know, my recurring nightmare that I’ve been having since age 6-ish is that dinosaurs are going to eat my family. I also have these dreams where I am convinced that there are giant spiders on my ceiling that are about to eat me, or that there are giant roaches in my bed, and I will be convinced I am awake. I think it’s a weird thing that happens as you’re about to fall asleep. I end up jumping out of bed and then run out of my room thinking that this is actually happening. Yeah. So I don’t do well with the bugs, but I guess I can’t hold this against the movie.

I wonder if people felt like this about the original. They were like “Huh, weird, a New Yorker falls in love with a giant gorilla from a mysterious island. But man does that giant claymation gorilla look awesome atop the Empire State Building!”

My overall opinion: it was good, entertaining, fun, impressive. Should you see it? Yes. Should you expect to be seeing the best movie you’ve ever seen? No.