Insecure

I went to MA this weekend and came back to NYC not having any idea what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd figured it all out. Was I just missing what I couldn't have?

When I arrived in NYC, I was thrilled! I was so glad to be back. Alone. Was I glad because I know I won't have this for much longer? Or is this what I really want?

While we were walking around Boston I said "D, I'm not sure that I want to live here."

I *know* I don't want to live in Boston.

I *know* I miss my friends and family, but that's all that I miss about Boston. It's not Boston itself. It's smallness and comfort and security.

If I could take all of my friends and family and transplant them here and also have a job and also live with my boyfriend and also go to school at night, I'd be the happiest person ever.

I am a miserable person right now because I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do when I get there. D bought a camera today and now I feel like I don't even have that anymore. I don't want to share everything. I'm not sure that I'm ready. I feel like that dream is gone (I am an irrational psycho, I know, but must I share everything? can't I have my own thing? can't I be the one who plays piano and takes pictures? can't I be allowed to shine even just a little bit?), and so is Boston, and what am I doing?!

I am making a list of pros and cons. I just don't know if I'm ready. I don't like having all of these huge decisions forced on me. I want to be in control of my life. I don't want some corporate douchebag who wants another million dollars in his bank account to make me uproot my entire life when I'm not ready.

I want to be able to share this with D. I want to be like "Dude, I'm freaking the fuck out right now!" and I want him to somehow say the right thing. Not that I know what the right thing is. I don't know what's right. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now, which is assinine given that there's probably the most hope now. I can do anything I want, but what do I want? What if I mess up? Again? What if what if what if what if....

Ergh.

The problem is this: I am not ready to move, at all. Yes, I have my issues with NYC, and it's frustrating. There are things I hate. But I've been here for less than two years, and I don't feel like I'm finished. I ultimately want to move back to Boston, be close to my family, raise my own. Just not now. There are things I need to do here, I have to grow, and if I move back, I think I'm done.

I have been toying with the idea of San Francisco, but D says it's the individual, not the city, that makes one unhappy. I don't know if I agree. I think circumstances do contribute to happiness or despair. I think D sees the ability to be unhappy as the ultimate weakness.

"What if I hate it there again?"
"You have to make the best of wherever you are."

"What if I'm bored?"
"Then that's your fault. How can you be bored? I can't even remeber the last time I was bored."

"I was bored there before."
"How could you possibly be bored? Even if you're living somewhere boring, there is always literature to read!"

"What if I'm the sort of person who needs newness?"
"Then that's your problem and you need to find a way to deal with it, and make the best out of the old."

"What if I go back to school and I'm uninspired?"
"If you're a real artist, it shouldn't matter where you are."

"But I didn't even pick up a camera until I got to New York. I didn't think I had anything to say, anything to show, anything to offer."
"You could feel like that in San Francisco too."

"What should I do?"
"I think only you can answer that."

"What do you think I should do?"
"I'm not you."

"If you were me, what would you do?"
"I would try to identify what's really freaking you out. Like figure out what a therapist would say. It's not Boston or San Francisco or New York that's the issue. It has nothing to do with where you are. It's something about YOU."

"What do you think it is?"
"You're commitment-phobic."

"True. I don't want to settle down. Boston is it, man."
"Why?"

"Well, we're moving there to be grownups. I'm not ready to be responsible."
"Why can't we move somewhere else later?"

"Why can't we move somewhere else now?"

"I'm scared shitless. I'm scared of school. I'm scared about not having any money. I don't know if I should go full-time. I don't know if I should go to school here. I think its best to go to photography school in NYC."
"The money..."

"But if I go to school full-time in Boston you will have to pay the rent... what do you think about that?"
"I haven't thought about that."

"Of course you haven't. Have you thought about these things at all?"
"I've only thought of your happiness. I just want you to be happy. Pennies don't matter. I thought you were going to be happy in Boston. That's why I would move there. I wouldn't move there on my own, and don't read into that."

"Awww shucks."
"Just be happy. Figure out a way to be happy."

I felt better after we talked, but I still feel like I just have to make a decision for us without actually involving him, which is an additional stress.

What if I can't ever be happy?

Ugh.

I'm useless right now.