Don't Worry

Yesterday was a pivotal day.

I've only had one other day (night) like this in my life. In college, I was dead asleep and someone was knocking on my door rather loudly. In college you assume that it's just some drunk idiot and you don't respond. Turned out it was Former-Favorite-Ex-Boyfriend's friend, who finally yelled "Leah, sweetie, T was in an accident."

Everything changed in that moment. When confronted with the idea of losing someone forever, your feelings for them crystallize in a way that is truly overwhelming. You can't think about anything else but him, of him being in pain, of him being sad, alone, afraid. You can't think at all, really. Then you start thinking about yourself - you have those selfish thoughts like "What would I do without him? What would life be like without him? Would I survive if he was gone?"

This happened again yesterday.

Upon hearing about this I immediately ceased functioning. People kept saying "Don't worry, things will be fine."

But how do you know? How can you assume things will be fine? I am a fatalist.

I was in a meeting with my boss. I had my phone with me, which I never do at work, because I was flipping out and waiting for D to call. It finally rang and I said "I have to take this... its an emergency..." and just ran out of the meeting in high-television-drama style.

I thought hearing his voice would comfort me, but it didn't.

He said "Please don't worry, everything is fine."

"I am going to worry and there's nothing you can do about it."

I was a wreck. My boss said "Would you please go home? You're scaring the hell out of me," and I was like "No, no, it'll be fine. Don't worry."

Don't worry!??!?! Who am I to tell someone not to worry when I am having a meltdown about the thing I am telling them not to worry about? The words "don't worry" are empty.

Bench Buddy was directly involved in all of the drama (long story I don't want to get into) and he kept saying "Don't worry, it's going to be fine... you should go home and drink lots..."

I finally convinced him to get a drink with me after my boss demanded that I go home, after which I went home and drank Tropicana Twisters with Rum because that's all I had available to me. I compulsively cleaned while worrying and flipping out to the point where Roommate had to talk me off the sabotage ledge.

Sabotage, you ask? Yes. I hit the point of no return yesterday, where I thought "If something happened to him, or worse, if something happened to us, I would throw myself off of a bridge."

I guess I didn't realize how I felt until yeserday.

I envy the people who haven't been massacred by love and who don't worry about this sort of thing and who don't think about bridges.

I was drunk and sloppy and emo and sweeping and saying "Roommate, I don't know if I can handle this again. Like seriously, if this falls apart, I can't go through this again."

She was stellar, not because she had advice, but because she understands sabotage and she told me not to do it. She told me she would kick my ass if I do.

Today I am less worried, but still thinking "What if what if what if what if...."

My energy level right now, as Bench Buddy just said about himself, is 11 out of 10. I am giddy because D is here and fine and seeing him is the best thing in the world and he apparently got cuter overnight.

Bench Buddy's energy level is escalating because he is looking forward to karaoke and because we are listening to disco music.

We cannot contain ourselves.

Dear god.

This day cannot go by fast enough.