Letters in an Inbox

Do you ever catch yourself reading old emails when bored at work?

This sort of behavior used to be reserved for lonely nights at home. Candles, Elliott Smith CD's, the never-to-be-looked-at-again box of notes and ticket stubs and pictures you couldn't quite tear up excavated from under the bed that reminds you of better times gone sour.

Now we can do this at work.

I just tried to do it, and realized I'd deleted the folder's entire contents. And instead of feeling sad after reading the emails, I felt sad because I couldn't read the 400 cute, flirty, optimistic, painful, funny, terrible, hostile, sentimental, and oozing with love emails.

Clicking "Delete All" is much easier than throwing letters into the fire, which requires both effort and drama, and a fireplace. Where can you even find a fireplace these days?

I decided to go back two levels of sadness, and read loving things like:

"If I see something now by myself, while it will be cool, the feeling will be nothing like the feeling that I would get if I could share that with you."

and then

"I know that everything will work out with us. We like each other too much
and have way too much fun together."

followed by

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH WHOEVER, JUST DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME ABOUT IT."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach the first time I read that. I almost threw up. Again, I read it at work and wanted to curl up and die. How do you not cry at work when someone hurts that much because of you?

Reading it this time hurt again. The memory hurts.

Seeing things devolve in text is painful.

I went back and read every email D has ever written me and nearly started to cry, because what if things change? The writing is already changing. Beginnings are so cute. The effort, the creativity to woo, the constant reinforcement of "I love you" and "You were so cute this morning" and "I can't wait to see you tonight." Why can't things stay that way? Comfort ruins everything.

Sigh.

I can't believe we can do this sort of fucked up emo stuff while getting paid to work.