Holiday Musak

I've had enough of it.

I don't understand why people at this company think it is acceptable to listen to Christmas carols all day long.

I finally had a meltdown and am blasting Interpol's Antics, which grows on me more and more every time I listen to it. It's amazing. I didn't think it was the first five times I heard it, but now I think its brilliant. It was the same with their first CD.

I can hear remnants of Christmas carols across the bay, but I don't care. They can call me Scrooge, Music Snob, Bitch, whatever. I'll take that over hearing Holly Jolly Freaking Christmas four more times today.

I don't feel Christmas-y. At all. I've been singing mock Christmas carols to Bench Buddy all day. He must want to kill me.

Interpol should put out a Christmas album. That would rule.

I have no spirit this year. I have no desire to celebrate holidays.

Yesterday was good. I got an amazing haircut that was worth every penny. I couldn't stop looking at it in every shiny surface. I couldn't believe it was me! I was invited to a New Year's Eve party in Harlem by my adorable hairdresser. After my fancy haircut I had one of the best nights of my life, during which D asked "Would you like me to make you an omelette?" How does he know everything?

Yet I am still moody and not feeling the holidays. It could be because Roommate got me a present and I didn't get her anything. I feel like I am dropping the ball this year. It's an awful feeling. It's not even like I feel self-absorbed - I am just oblivious, scattered, disorganized. We were talking about it, and I said to Roommate "I don't think we can be held accountable for anything that happened in 2004," because it has been crazy. Crazy adjustments. But she still has it together enough to remember to get me a present. I suck.

D got me a present too, but I didn't get him anything, because, again, I suck. I considered getting him something, but I thought that might be scary to him and also I didn't know what to get. I thought about Legos, because how fun would that be? I told him to keep whatever it is until my birthday so I can feel like slightly less of an asshole.

I bought gifts for some folks in Boston - the ones who are letting me stay with them - but now I don't even know if I'll see them.

My mother just called and told me to pack clothes for a funeral. She said he only has hours left. I had considered packing funeral appropriate attire, but then thought better of it as being prepared might be morbid and defeatist. I had decided against it as a statement of optimism, but apparently that was not a good idea. I own no nice clothes. I don't have room for a nice pair of shoes in my bag with over a week's worth of clothes and Christmas presents. I can't fathom the idea of my uncle not being with us on Christmas, nor can I comprehend my being prepared for this by packing accordingly.

And I can't believe I didn't make it in time. I booked a train at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, in order to get home as soon as possible to see him. I talked to my boss, who agreed that it was acceptable for me to "call in sick" one day and one day only, but now it doesn't even matter. Now I get to cry on a train for four hours by myself while the rest of my family cries together today.

Bah humbug.

Yep.

But! It will be a new year soon, and once we all survive the holidays, things will be back in order.

I don't know if I am going to blog from home. I may. I may need to for sanity purposes. If I don't, happy holidays to you all, dear readers, experience great celebrations and happiness in the New Year, and I'll be back in '05.

Until then....