Ah, To Drive

D's birtday (I'm sure you recall the fondue pot fiasco of 2006) is swiftly approaching, and I'd devised a fabulous weekend trip for us to Foxwoods/Mohegan Sun where we would view the Professional Bowling Association finals and have some fun at the casino. Bowling! Buffets! Free drinks! Bingo! A king size bed! Yeah! My heart was set on this as I thought it was the greatest idea of all time, as he has been talking about nothing but the PBA championship for the last year and a half, devastated that we missed last year's tour due to Mohegan Sun's not having any rooms available the weekend of the championship.

Luckily I didn't buy the tickets. I ran it by him today (Mohegan Sun is sold out yet again but Foxwoods has plenty of room, and this year we are with car so it wouldn't be a drama to stay at one and then watch bowling at the other) and he completely shot down the idea. He said "With so few weekends remaining here - in theory - I'd rather just stick around here."

Understandable, as I'd been saying the same thing when we went to FL, although when we went to FL, we thought D would have a job and we'd be leaving NYC in three weeks. We've now renewed our lease so we're here at least until 5/6.

I could cry. I had my heart set on it, and I realize that I have no reason to be sad about it since it is his birthday, but I am sad because we have been wanting to do this for so long. We've been talking about it for over a year.

Of course I am all passive aggressive, too, since I went to FL recently, spent my own money when I wanted to stay here in order to "maximize weekends here."

But that was for him, and his birthday should be for him, not for me.

I am also passive aggressive because D always takes me to do secret things on my birthday without involving me at all, and in all honesty they haven't been things I would have picked out myself. If he'd said "Do you want to do this?" I'd have said "No."

I should have just booked it.

But then he wouldn't have been able to conceal his horror at doing something he's been wanting to do for the last year and a half and all of a sudden having no good reason not to do it.

Of course I am also in a panic because I have no idea what to do or to give, and, dear readers, our relationship as of late has been lackluster. We're in our first rut, and I was secretly hoping out mutual love for bowling would rekindle the romance. We're both stressed about the future and D's poor job prospects to date. It is normal for relationships to suffer ever so slightly under such conditions.

I'm uninspired. I don't want to get him anything because whatever I do will be lame. He doesn't want things. I know he wants some DVDs, but that's lame. I won't do it. I could get him clothes but, again, lame. Our relationship isn't about objects. That's not how we function. We are united in wanting to give experience and memory and not objects.

I'm not that into the relationship right now so on a selfish note I don't want to spend what precious little time I have remaining here looking for a blue buttoned shirt. But I guess I have to. It's part of the job.

I, like Britney, am realizing that I confront stress in my life by wanting to cut off all my hair. I've thought of nothing else for the past few days. I've lost sleep fantasizing about potential short hair cuts, wondering if I'll look like a boy, wondering if D will have a meltdown when he sees it and never want to look at me again. I ran that by him too, and he was noncommittal. I demonstrated a haircut that I thought would look cute, his response to which was "It's very Nancy Wilson." What's that supposed to mean? I look fat? Or inferior to my pretty blonde sister?

Lately we talk at each other. Experiencing stress at the same time doesn't become us.

I understand that he wants to spend time here. Of course we both do - we want to spend time with our friends and get NYC out of our systems before we leave. Unfortunately we are getting each other out of our systems while we focus on other things. In all honesty I may claim "Stress!" to exempt myself from his birthday. He can do whatever he wants to do and I'll be there.

I guess I wish he would have been like "Good idea, honey, I wish we could go," but no. Completely shot down, not discussed. Rejected. I can't believe I still have the capacity to feel rejected by him.

I'm not looking forward to the weekend. It's going to be cold (which means no galleries and aimless, directionless wandering) and rainy/snowy. I made no plans because I wanted to spend time alone in the apartment, pre-packing (which means throwing away all of my belongings) as I haven't been in the apartment for anything other than soaking and sleeping since last Thursday. Now we'll both be there, and I will want to scream. I'm actually contemplating going to Foxwoods by myself so I can get away and be alone. Alone amongst a zillion people, but still alone.

I lost a lot of sleep this week fantasizing about short hair but also about staying in a hotel. I've moved into the living room because its at least 8 degrees cooler in there, and there is no snoring. I've been fantasizing about perfect temperature regulation and being 40 stories up where nobody can break in through the window and where I can't hear every word said on the street.

Blah. I hate this weather. I blame the weather and my hair being too long.

Have good weekends, kids. Until Monday...