Negativity

A relative came to visit this weekend and brought with her an insane DVD that she recommended that I watch. This relative tends to be involved in various crazy (read: cult-like, quirky religious astral-plane type stuff) pursuits that I know have value for her but hold little value for me. I listen out of politeness, and know that she means well and wants to share positivity. I said I'd try to watch, but made no commitment. She said "I think you should watch it. If you do, I guarantee you that, well, let me make up something that you might want. Let's say, for example, you want D to ask you to marry him. If you watch this, I promise you that D will ask you to marry him within the next few months."

Now. This relative has been known to make such crazy predictions in the past and has, on occasion, been right. Yes, folks, I am making the bold claim that at times she is psychic.

Here is a good example: she took me on my first ever trip to NYC. This story concerns the second time she took me on a trip to NYC. I was miserable during the second trip because I was newly single and dealing with my stupid broken heart and being emo about it, and she said "I just have a feeling you're going to meet someone on this trip." I didn't meet anyone, but she said "No, you're going to. Maybe on the train back to Boston!" Right, whatever. But I did meet someone on the train back to Boston. We ended up going on a date the following weekend, which was terribly awkward because he was from RI and on Date 1 he had to stay over (looking back on this, he did not have to stay over, but I guess I was being overly optimistic) and I ended up making him sleep on the couch because we'd been watching TV or something and he called someone "a cunt" and I was all "You're a dick" and then the next day he wanted me to go to the train station with him and I was like "Look, I don't like you. Please get out of my apartment and never call me again." I know what you're thinking - I am a prude, but seriously, who says that on Date 1? Lame people, that's who.

Knowing that this relative can be psychic, and wanting to, ahem, be possibly maybe engaged, I decided to attempt to watch the video. I figured I'd give it 5 minutes and then stop, just so I could politely and truthfully say "I tried to watch it but it was too hokey for me." I was doing an art project while it was on, so ended up listening to the entire thing as my hands were covered with glue and I didn't want to really interrupt the art project flow.

Basic gist of the DVD: positive thinking. Imagine it, it will happen. Negativity attracts negativity. Thinking about bad things makes them real. For example: if you are feeling sick, thinking about the illness at all will make it a reality. If you think about being healthy, you have a better chance at being healthy. That sort of thing. Obvious stuff, but I guess it's good to hear all of these things in a concentrated form that leaves you feeling wicked positive at the end.

I decided to embark on a path of positive thinking.

The problem with this is that we are constantly surrounded by negativity. Negativity attracts negativity. If you are negative, people around you will be negative. But, if people around you are being negative, how do you stay positive?

I talked to Mother last night and it ended in a brawl, because she was being so negative. I understand why she's being negative, she has every right to be negative and should be, but she doesn't understand that I put great effort in "being positive" about all of this nonsense and when she or anyone else reminds me that this is going on I turn into an emotional dragon who feels victimized and attacked. Mother has decided to fight, and I understand why but selfishly I know that her doing this is going to cause a shroud of negativity to cover my life indefinitely and I don't want it to. No, I don't. She is not to blame but I am allowed to not want things to be worse. She has the luxury of disconnecting. I do not. If I do disconnect, an entirely new breed of negativity will be unleashed that I will most likely be less able to deal with.

I feel like concrete negativity is easier to deal with than the imagined sort.

I come from a lineage of negativity (my crazy relative excepted). Mother is used to focusing on the negative. It was how she was raised, and she in turn raised us that way. I don't want to be hyper-critical. I don't want to be nervous. I don't want to be a dweller. I don't want to trap myself in bad situations.

This of course takes effort, and I feel like when I talk to either of them the effort has been utterly futile.

So, on Day 1 of being Positive, I went to dinner with a bunch of D's friends and almost left crying, because when you're trying to be positive you become intensely aware of the people around you being negative and it makes you so much more negative. Because it is really, really depressing to notice people trying to make you negative.

For example, a fight broke out because there was a discussion of potential places to move.

Person: Have you been to Seattle?
Me: No, but I've heard decent things.
Person: Like what?
Me: I don't know - cool city, depressing weather. Lots going on, but sad.
Other Person: What about Vancouver?
Me: Oh, I've heard GREAT THINGS. It's supposed to be really nature-y and there's a zillion things to do inside and outside and...
Person: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
Me: What?
Person: How can you say Vancouver is great and Seattle isn't?
Me: What?
Person: I mean, seriously, how can you say that? What makes Vancover SO MUCH BETTER?
Me: I don't know. There's supposedly a lot of green and the mountains...
Person: That's RIDICULOUS. What a f-ed up thing to say.
Me: What?
Person: Seriously. How can you say that? They're like right across the water from each other! They're the SAME MOUNTAINS. They're just the same, how can you say they're so different?
Me: I'm just basing this on what I've heard...
Person: Well, its a pretty stupid thing to say.
Me: I don't think so. Just because they're in close proximity doesn't mean two places are the same. That would be like saying NYC and Philly are the same, and they're not. Plus, they're culturally different.
D: And they're socioeconimically different.

I think there was a new topic at this point.

I wish I had said "They ARE different because THEY ARE IN TWO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES."

Or I wish I had said "I don't think YOU know since you haven't been to either place, and in fact, you've only been to three places in your entire life and haven't ever been on a plane."

Or "Why are you yelling at me? You asked me."

Or "Does it really make you feel better to convince yourself that I'm stupid?"

I felt so negative. And I hated it.

Someone else was negative, and said things like "Why would you want to move to Boston? It's so boring. And conservative. And why would you want to move out of NYC? All the jobs are here. And you're going to have to get a big camera, do you know that? Why would you want to go to a practical school? Why wouldn't you be interested in art photography? Are you going to AP or Getty? Why would you want to do weddings?" Rolling of eyes, NYC superiority complex, etc.

What a dick.

I wanted to say "You know what? Your paintings suck."

But instead I became equally confrontational and left the dinner wanting to crawl into a hole. Not because my feelings were hurt, but because it is so sad to me that there are people like this, and that these people are in my life. I don't want this sort of negativity in my life anymore. Nope.

Unfortunately many people in NYC are this way. They think that they are better than everyone else, but they are not, and so seek to prove it in this way.

The dinner assured me that moving back to MA is the right thing to do.

I'm not on some spiritual quest, I'm not being "Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul-esque." I just want to be in a good mood all the time. And I can, if I don't eat dinners with condescending people.

The rest of the weekend (awkward dinner aside) was enjoyable. Had dinner/drinks with PW and NR and friends at the best new find in the world, only two blocks away from my apartment! Best. Tofu. EVER. And tofu cheesecake! And wonderous sake-tini!! Went to see The Queen on Saturday morning and forgot what Tony Blaire looks like in real life. Helen Mirren, as always, was a delight. Spent the afternoon learning the new flash, practicing piano, and waiting for my relative. We hung out for a bit, and I sent her off while I made art and listened to positivity and then read and watched some random cheese-tastic ballroom dancing competition. Went to brunch on Sunday am and then to see Wicked, which was ok but not impressive musically (read: the songs were pop-song-y, a la Backstreet Boys or early Christina - ewww!). Then it was the intolerable dinner and then something unremarkable, I guess, since I can't remember.

I'm off to Portland tomorrow. The flight leaves at 7:30 so I will probably be scrambling at work and unable to blog. Hopefully when I get back I can return to the days of photoblogging and share photos with ya'll.

Until nexy Monday...