What's On My Mind

Thinking about the new Rocky movie. Experiencing great distress. I find it unsettling. I don't know why I find it unsettling, but I do.

Thinking about this weird dream I had last night, in which I was a tall, large gay man in love with D. I asked him to marry me. He said "yes."

Thinking about an equally weird dream I had the night before in which I was breast-feeding a baby that looked exactly like Sister when she was a baby. I don't think the baby was Sister, but still. Weird.

Thinking about D's voicemail that he wiped out hard and there are bruises and pains but the bike isn't damaged and that's what really matters and how am I supposed to not worry? And why doesn't he answer his phone?

Thinking about D inviting me out to a movie tonight with his female friend, a movie that I asked him to see this weekend. His response to my invite was "No, that seems more like a rental... I'll pass" but now that someone else wants to go he's all about it. Trying not to think too much about it, or think negatively. I suppose I should just be happy I'm invited, but still.

Thinking about going home to no home. I know she thinks its going to be wonderfully home-y but home is not a place to which you have to bring your own sheets and bed. It's just not. It's all wrong. Home is where you are taken care of, not where you have to do the grocery shopping and cooking and planning. I don't like this sort of visit, and I want to explain why but there are so many eggshells right now. If all goes according to plan this will be the last time I have to stay over, at least for a while, because hopefully next year we can just drive home afterwards or be in the sun somewhere else entirely, sleeping in a bed that was made and eating cereal the next morning that was already there. Sure, there may not be conversation but at least there is taking-care-of-guests happening.

Thinking about cleaning at work. I dumped a bunch of stuff today. I need to consolidate. I don't know if I'm doing it because its a new year or because I want to be organized in case I don't work here in a few months. Best to treat the wronged group right.

Thinking about the future. I have asked D if he could schedule an appointment with me to talk about possible scenarios prior to my interview. I want to know "If this, then this..." He may ask when I would enroll, and I don't know because I don't know what's going on. I don't know if we'll split up. I don't know if he'll come without a job. I don't know if I'll go without a job. I don't know about subletting. I only know the ideal scenario.

Thinking about how some people only consider the ideal scenario, and somehow their lives end up so much more ideal.

Thinking about how I wish I had that sort of confidence. I don't think he realizes that you don't just get a job the moment you apply.

Thinking about how I don't really care, because there's movement and movement is what matters. I have no patience for the stagnant when there are things that could be accomplished.

Thinking about how I wish I could be the sort of person who is still satisfied when things are stuck.

Thinking about how I need to save money.

Thinking about how I hate thinking about money. Ergh.

Thinking about how I should be trying to find a new pair of headphones, because they broke again. Third pair this year. It might be time to just invest in a good pair that costs a bit more but will last more than three months in my bag.

And with that, I'm going to google.

Until tomorrow...