Irresponsible

I've officially performed my last benchwork of 2007. Woo.

There was a small birthday celebration for someone I don't really know, and someone suggested we watch this past weekend's Justin Timberlake digital short from SNL. I said "I'm not sure that's appopriate..." but people were intrigued, so I left, because, really, not good. It's funny, but not at-work funny.

I'm going to see Annie tonight. Not even Kathy Lee can deter me from Annie! No sir! Three musicals in one week. Does life get any better?

I said to D last night "What I would like out of life would be to make a living taking pictures and to see a musical every day." That would be bliss.

I've been thinking about how Mary Poppins was awesome but pointless. The pointlessness didn't bother me as a child. For a child, toys coming to life is the point. When did we become so concerned with plot? Themes? Direction? Dance numbers? The dance number to Step in Time was the best thing ever, and I was thrilled that it came in the second act. I struggle post-intermission, no matter what I'm seeing. Those writers are savvy!

I've also been thinking about how the musical is based on a movie that was based on a book, and isn't there anything original left in this world? Even Annie was based on a comic strip! Or was the comic strip based on the musical? I don't know. I'm sure I'll find this all out tonight in the program.

But seriously - what have I seen this year - The Producers (first a movie, right?), Spamalot (also a movie), The Pajama Game (based on a book), Mary Poppins (based on a movie based on a book), The Drowsey Chaperone (new! exciting! but paying homage to old-timey musicals, really a grandiose spoof but so much more eloquent than something like Spamalot), and tonight Annie. I still want to see Wicked before I go, and that, of course, is based on a book. Oh - I did see The Fantasticks, and as far as I know that was a totally original exercise that the writer blurted out when he was in school or something. So 7/8 unoriginal. Sad.

I don't know what my point is. I guess my point is that we live in an era of recycling in the entertainment industry and its sort of weird, given how much unique viral content there is on the web.

Which is why I'm not perturbed by Time's declaring YOU as The Person of the Year, because, seriously, it's Joe Schmoe Blogger who's influencing the world these days, generating buzz, making and breaking careers, etc. Everyone thinks its lame, but today's innovation is happening in a new way.

Blah blah blah.

I'm really tired today. I'm afraid I may fall asleep during Annie! No! I was up late too last night.

I had sangria with NR and drunk tagged Mother afterwards. Who does that? Me! It was the right thing to do, because when I'm in a toasty mood it is easier for me to handle things and to be optimistic. I was cracking Mother up, which made me feel good. She actually thanked me for it. Imagine, Mother thanking me for being drunk on a Wednesday night while wandering New York City alone at 11:15 pm! How far we've all come.

I got home and wasn't mad anymore, even though I probably should have been. I was impressed by the first apology he's ever issued, and wow. Being apologized to apparently works! It's much easier than having a fight. Granted, I apologized first for being overly emotional, but he apologized for blowing up for no reason. He's learning! He realized that he blew up for no reason without my having to state that he blew up for no reason! Yeah!

At midnight he said "When do you want to have The Big Talk?" Ah, The Big Talk, the future, finances, when, where, what, is the resume ready, what if what if what if what if. I said "I don't know... there may not be time before my interview!" He said "We could talk in the car," and I said "I don't know... its sort of a serious conversation to be having in the car." He said as long as we had it on the highway it wouldn't be a problem. Then he said "How about now?"

Ugh. Midnight! I love that he is naive enough to think that a discussion about the future will take 5 minutes. I was like "I don't know..." groan etc. drunken distress.

He said "Well, I have some questions to ask you."

He asked questions, good ones, and I was able to answer them. Then we talked about money, and oh please for the love of god could I please be assertive enough next time to say "I'm drunk and tired and shouldn't really be talking about the future right now because I'm not coherent and I'm overemotional and insecure" because I get so overemotional and insecure when I drink, and I worry even more than usual. I either giggle and become the most confident person ever or I am plagued by thought and self-doubt and self-loathing. It was a self-loathing night that deteriorated into my ennumerating the thousands upon thousands of dollars I've lost by living in NYC for only two years, and how that was irresponsible, and how I'll never have it back, and how if I had it this wouldn't suck so bad right now, and how we were irresponsible, and how I am scared to death to basically get rid of all my remaining money when there's nothing secure in my life - family falling apart, parents who are either helpless or homeless, no safety net, relationship not set in stone, unsure of whether I'll be good at this, unsure if I'll like it, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

Differences in life philosophies. Apparently some people can dump their entire life's worth on a whim. I'm just not like that. I wish I was, but I get concerned.

The conversation ended warmly but I was up for another two hours (that's 4 am, folks!) having a crying-induced headache and worrying about turning... ahem... 31. How has this happened?

I realized this morning that the root of my concern is that I don't want to be irresponsible about this. I feel that I've been irresponsible for the last two years and it has to stop. And we will have to stop together. I articulated this before he left for work this morning, and he seemed to understand. I am not a person who does things without thinking them through, and I've been not thinking things through due to this relationship for long enough. I'm going to plan this, and have many plans about this, and nobdoy can stop me!

Mwa ha ha!

I'm still tense, but I feel resolute today.

Anyway.

Work is boring again today. Clearly. People are watching You Tube in the conference room.

And with that... I'm off. I'm off tomorrow on another forced vacation day and then I'm off to New England to visit family and friends and new babies!

I'll be back on the 2nd.

Happy Holidays to the one person who still reads The Elusive Pringle!