Romance

Scene 1 from The Company Party:

Guy 1: I am moving in with my girlfriend in June.

Guys: (looks of horror, recoiling, etc.)

Guy 2: It's all over, man.

Guy 3: Yeah, man, are you sure? What are you thinking?

Guy 2: I'm really drunk now, so I have to be honest. My wife is psychotic.

Guy 3: All women are psychotic.

Guy 2: Since I'm really drunk, you can't hold this against me, but I just married my wife for the sex. I'm serious.

Me: (look of horror, recoiling, etc.)

Guy 1 and 3: Awww yeah....

Guy 3: Seriously, though, all women are psychotic. Once you live with someone, say good-bye to your balls.

Guy 2: I know.

Guy 3: Dude, I lived with my girlfriend and it was the worst thing ever.

Me: You guys suck. You know, not all girls are psychotic! People like you make it impossible for women to even have a shot, you know? You guys are all propaganda. I'm going to get some crudite, idiots.

***

Scene 2 from The Company Party:

Me: Aw man, I just need to tell you, I am so jealous of your relationship with your wife.

Best Guy Ever: Why?

Me: It seems like you guys still have passion, you know?

Best Guy Ever: I'm still so in love with her.

Me: (sigh)

Best Guy Ever: Like there's nothing I look forward to more than spending the weekends with her, watching movies, ordering Chinese food, just staying in.

Me: (sigh)

Best Guy Ever: What?

Me: I don't know. It just seems like you guys still have it. You have romance and love. That's so rare.

Best Guy Ever: Well, I think it helped that we met in college.

Me: Definitely.

Best Guy Ever: We were young and crazy and you let yourself be more vulnerable and let yourself be swept away when you're in collge.

Me: I know, but I felt that way in college and the real world ruined us. You guys didn't get ruined. You still have it.

Best Guy Ever: I'm so in love with her. Still. You know when people say that they would die for someone? I would endure a world of pain, for eternity, for her.

Me: (sigh, sigh, more sighing)

***

Scene 3 From Company Party:

Me: Remember last week when we were talking about Brokeback Mountain?

Best Guy Ever: Yes.

Me: Remember how you were talking about that scene where he's watching him walk away, and how it was true love?

Best Guy Ever: Yes.

Me: Remember how you then told us about how you were watching your wife walk away in college? You said that you were watching her leave, walking towards her dorm, and you were simultaneously sad to see her go but elated to have her in your life, and that's when you realized "I am in love with this woman."

Best Guy Ever: I did. I realized I was in love with her at that moment.

Me: Yeah, well, I think your saying that ruined things for all men. That was so beautiful. Nobody says that about me.

Married Woman (entering conversation): Are you guys talking about Brokeback Mountain again?

Me: Yes, of course, he talks about Brokeback Mountain at all times.

Married Woman: Dude, what you said last week, about watching your wife walk away, that really f*cked me up!

Best Guy Ever: Why?

Married Woman: It was so romantic and beautiful and...

Me: Remember how he said that he used to sleep under his wife's desk when she first started at the law firm because he just wanted to spend time with her and because she was working the long hours and she was so stressed out and he would bring her dinner and then sleep there oh my god why aren't there more men like this?

Woman: (sigh)

***

Scene 4 from Company Party:

R: Leah Lar, I love you.

Me: Awww, R, I love you too.

R: There's nothing I want more than to be your neighbor when you move to Bossshhhton....

Me: That would be awesome.

R: Serioushly, I love you. And D. I love you and D. I want us to be neighborsssshhhhh.

Me: You should move to Boston. Seriously. I really want you to. Please. Yes. Move to Boston.

(hugging, kisses, etc.)

R: No, I say thisssshhh because I luf hanging out with you guys. Serioushly. I just luf you, Leah Lar.

***

It felt more like a going away party than a quarterly function. When R hugged me I wanted to cry because I apparently do have something to lose. He hugged me harder than I've been hugged since I moved here. It was the hug of actual affection, not just casual friendship. He hugged me harder than D's ever hugged me, and I thought "I don't like the idea of not knowing him anymore." I wanted to cry and have R understand. I think he would. I really think he would. I just wanted to be there all night and hear someone say over and over again that he loves me, even if he didn't mean it.

When confronted with something like this, when you know that you and your friends are going to scatter, you don't really know how to react. I found out last night through drunken confessions that 3 of my really good friends here are making plans, and I hadn't previously considered what it would be like to work without them. I hadn't thought that in order to see them ever again, I'd have to take a 6 hour plane ride. You take so many things for granted.

I wanted to make Best Guy Ever-like declarations to R, but I hesitated because I knew he'd forget and you don't want those sorts of things to be forgotten.

I think romance prevents people from feeling like they are being taken for granted. It's nice to know that someone thinks that they're lucky to have you in their life. I suppose one just assumes these things, but its nice every now and then to have someone look at you intensely and tell you. It's nice to be held onto tightly, sharing that feeling of "I don't ever want to let you go." It's nice to be able to look into someone's eyes and see it. It's nice to catch someone looking at you from across the room, their face saying "I am so lucky to have that girl." Best Guy Ever still looks at his wife that way (they've been together for over 10 years).

Sigh.

Life is so weird right now. Being insecure makes people crazy.