Lonely

M said that the best thing would be to have someone at home every night who would be there when you want to cry for no reason.

She didn't mention that he would just fall asleep before asking you how you were and therefore not afford you the opportunity to cry. She didn't mention that then in order to not wake him up you'd spend evenings crying on the couch and trying desperately to fall asleep there. She didn't mention that you wouldn't be able to sleep. She didn't mention that you'd feel claustrophobic and tense and sad and hopeless. She didn't mention that you'd constantly wonder if the self-confessed appeaser is always just appeasing you. She didn't mention how sad it would make you to hear him planning your life for you without asking and being excited about and planning for the race that's taking place in over a month when he can't discuss the trip for which you still do not have tickets (or a destination) that's allegedly occurring next week. She didn't mention that you would want to cry when he tells you that the race is the same week as the fictional Europe trip that won;'t happen because he's appeasing you and not really wanting to do any of these things - If he did he'd plan them with the zeal with which he planned the race logistics. She didn't mention that you'd feel lonelier than you've ever felt, because you can't just make sad phone calls at 1 am anymore to be cheered up. She didn't mention that he'd forget the presentation. She didn't mention that he wouldn't care. She didn't mention that you'd both disappear. She didn't recommend buying a more comfortable couch. She didn't mention how ridiculous it is to be crying by yourself in the livihg room on the eve of your big seminar when you REALLY need to get more than 4 hours' sleep while he's in there blissfully sleeping.

I'm lame because I can't sleep when there are emotions.

I'm lame because I can't quite sleep when I'm lonely.

And even lamer because I can't sleep at all when I feel lonely when I really shouldn't feel lonely.

It makes me want to run away and never look back. The original impetus for moving (alone) was to sleep better. I had no idea loneliness would be louder than the gas station.