Peter Pan

Last night I was forced to say, in spite of my darling boyfriend's sudden wish to communicate all things, "D, can we please stop talking about this? I'm totally freaking out."

I said this because I was totally freaking out.

I felt like my chest was constricting, and when I wasn't focused on that, I felt like I was going to throw up. Earlier in the evening, D said "Look, this is serious for me. It's like getting married. Seriously. If we do this and we move in together, I want to keep doing it forever. This is a big deal for me."

"Dude, it's a big deal for me too. This is a big deal. This is a really big deal. I mean, this is the biggest deal thus far in life. It's a big deal. Really really big."

I then met up with some friends for tapas and girl talk. I explained how cute D was when he said "forever" and then one of the girls said "But aren't you freaking out?" "Of course I am freaking out!" I said. She responded with "I did this once, I lived with someone, and I ended up leaving. I was really freaked out."

I can't pinpoint the exact cause of my inability to eat today.

I think it is a combination of no longer living alone (and how I adore living alone!), no longer being independent, entering into a living situation involving oh so much compromise and particularity (we had a mini-debate about shower curtain rings last night! I said "The only way this can work out is if the shower in the new apartment has a sliding door" and I think I may have been serious), total and complete life change, geographic change, social change, change change change change and then there's the whole forever thing. Forever! Wtf!?

This has nothing to do with D, of course. I am wondering if I am just not the sort of person who can commit to things. Big decisions freak me out. Things without built-in exit clauses freak me out.

I ran into D at work and he said "Look, just so you know, I'm freaking out too. But just on the inside."

"Look," I said. "If we want to eventually be together with a... ahem... you know... like a kid or family or whatever... we have to live together. We can't live alone and have a baby together. We have to grow up. Why is this so scary? We have to figure out why this is scary and make it un-scary."

I wonder if this is one of the reasons D and I work so well together. Neither him nor I want to grow up. We both want to theoretically grow up and have property and a nice bed and fabulous cutlery and weird kids, but neither of us wants to do what it takes to have those things.

This is a big step for both of us. In theory we want to live together, and it seems like the right thing to do financially and in order for things to progress and in order to save time and to not plan and to not have to carry a bag around at all times and to be able to go home every day and read the mail, but living together!

And decorating together! Will this work?

I'm sort of thinking this is not a good idea but I'm not sure why. What if I never want to move in with anyone?

I had dreams all night about ex-boyfriends, especially the one who is most loathed, and in the dreams I was happy to see him.

D and I spend so much time together. We do things together. We basically live together, but it is more like having a summer and winter home and sometimes one of us is at the winter home in the summer.

What am I afraid of?

Will things really change?

Or will it basically be the same, but easier, with unexpected challenges like finding silence to talk on the phone or play piano? Is it worse than having any other roommate? Is it better?

Ugh. After D said he was freaking out and that he felt like he was going to throw up, he called to say that he made an appointment with a realtor tomorrow night.

Maybe it's the pacing. I just found out on Sunday that he thought we were moving in together. It's only Tuesday! Maybe I just need time to adjust.

I know that he won't care if I change my mind.

I'm just afraid that I'll care, because I'll start doubting everything.

OK.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

More later.