Fatigue and Nothing More

So.

I've been terrible at blogging as of late for two reasons.

The first reason is that I haven't really had time. I generally blog from work, and work has been at its most insane as of late.

The second reason is that I am boring right now. My brain and body have disconnected, I travel through life in a general haze, not sure of what I am doing or supposed to be doing or what would be best to be doing at any given time. My life right now is:

- posting ads
- calling people to respond to the ads
- trying to convince them that they absolutely must live in my former apartment
- feeling guilty for acting so smarmy
- hoping that people actually show up for their appointments to view the apartment
- telling people that the neighborhood is really really quiet followed by feeling guilty for acting so smarmy
- sitting on hardwood floors reading a book while waiting for people to show up and tell me that my apartment is "too small" or that "the area is terrible" or that the landlords are "asking too much"
- fantasize about yelling at the landlords and telling them that they're making it virtually impossible for me to find a replacement tenant and then hopefully suing them or throwing a fit in their office or something because I hate this more than anything I have ever done in my life
- getting up early to show the apartment
- getting into work early to leave early to show the apartment
- going to class and hating it
- getting home from class really late and doing things around the apartment while detesting the class
- transferring into another class and going to it and liking it but not being entirely sure that I like it since I am in a zombie state
- not sleeping enough
- not sleeping well
- not eating enough
- not eating well
- not enjoying anything because all I can think about is renting my stupid apartment
- experiencing great anxiety about money
- supporting D in ordering a CD cabinet
- spending too much money on awesome modular shelves from DWR
- wishing I had more money
- wishing I had more job security
- wishing I had more time time time and then also more time
- wishing I had a minute to myself
- daydreaming about not having to deal with this apartment situation
- daydreaming about pictures hung on the walls
- daydreaming about air conditioners already installed
- daydreaming about cabinets and shelves already delivered
- daydreaming about being settled
- daydreaming about a functional stove

Life is so very boring right now. I want desperately to enjoy living with D, but I have barely been in the apartment since we moved. And when I am, I'm irritable and short and not wanting to paint or unpack or organize or whatever. I do these things because they mean a lot to D, but man, I just want to watch a movie or read a book or something.

We are supposed to go to a comedy show with D's friends tonight but little does he know that I am not going. If I have to interact with people after showing my apartment to like 8 people (well, probably 3 of them will show up and I'll be sitting there on the floor for an hour and a half clinging to false hopes) I think I will kill someone. I need desperately to do laundry and file my nails (still distressed from moving tons of boxes) and stare at something and not be in transit.

I feel like I've walked three thousand miles this week.

Ugh. Last week there was lots of walking, lots of going back and forth between old and new apartment, up and down stairs, into and out of trucks, etc. Last weekend was walking to Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond and the grocery store and back and forth between old and new apartments and carrying stuff all the time.

And this week:

Monday: Walked to train from apartment, walked to work from train, walked to Joe's Pub from work, walked from Joe's Pub to D's old apartment, from D's old apartment to train, from train to new apartment. Home by 10:30 and curtain rod project.

Tuesday: Walked to train from apartment, walked to work from train, walked to train, walked from train to class, walked from class to apartment. Home by 10:00 and sanding and painting and vacuuming and what else I can't even remember.

Wednesday: Walked to train from apartment, walked to work from train, walked to train, walked from train to old apartment, walked from old apartment to meet C for dinner, walked from dinner to apartment. Home, drunk, yes!, by 10:00 after eating the best gnocchi ever which happens to be on my new street! Woo. Then unpacking and cramming things into closets and rearranging closets and hampers and shoes and I don't know what else because I was drunk.

Thursday: Walked to train from apartment, walked to work from train, walked from work to and then through SoHo which involved walking for about an hour and a half staring at lovely furniture and bedding that we will never be able to have, walked back to work, walked to train, took train to class, walked to class, walked to apartment from class. Home by 10:00 and in good mood because class was better. Ate popcorn and made phone calls about old apartment and did nothing house related other than look online at potential shelving and cabinet schemes.

Friday: Walked to old apartment from new apartment, walked from old apartment to train, walked from train to work, walked around SoHo again for an hour, and will soon be taking train to old apartment where I will hang out for an hour and a half, then I will walk to CVS, then I will walk with bundles home, then I will walk to the laundromat and then and only then will I be sedentary.

And I'm not going anywhere because dammit I want to just be in the new apartment. I want to eat a meal there. I want to know what it's like to live there. I want D to come home to me instead of the other way around. Of course I will be asleep when he comes home but this is not the point! I feel a lot like I'm staying at his place because he's spent far more time there this week than I have.

Granted this is not how it will be always, but it will be like this until I unload that accursed apartment, and until then I will be there every night and morning.

Oh my god I am so boring.

I swear I will be less boring next week.

Have good weekends!