Another Curb Incident Wherein I am Not Larry David

D and I went to Joe's Pub on Monday night to see this musical/cartoon Mark Mulcahey/Ben Katchor thing that was good despite possessing the uncanny ability to turn people into zombies despite their actual interest in the piece.

Joe's Pub is simultaneously an awesome but horrific place to see a show.

They have tables, which is good. You can sit and eat or drink.

They also have couches, which is even better.

They also try to seat as many people as possible at the tables and on the couches. They do this because there is a $12 minimum per person if you are seated at a table or on a couch. This leads to far too many people crowded into small spaces, brushing up against one another, making it impossible for anyone to get up during the show. This also leads to rather obnoxious people causing problems regarding a $12 minimum per person.

I started the evening off a bit edgy as I was exhausted from the move and move-related things on Monday. When we got there, the host claimed to have no record of D's table reservation. D was in a mild panic, as it was he who was very excited about this show. I knew nothing about it (other than Ben Katchor's being a contributor of New Yorker art, which made me predisposed to dislike his work even though I had no reason to dislike it) and was basically just tagging along to keep D company. That, and it was a musical, and I love me a musical.

The host said "Well, we have this table here..." and pointed us to an unreserved table in the corner. D, excited, said "Yes!"

I was like "NO! We are NOT SITTING THERE. It's BEHIND the screen!"

It was behind the screen, and the whole reason we were there was so D could see the cartoons.

"I mean, D, if you want to sit there, we can, but I don't think you're going to be able to see."

D was glad that I'd pointed this out, so we opted to sit on a couch farther back but with a better view of the screen.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom after we were situated, and returned to find this older lady sitting in my seat and D just sitting there oblivious. Her feet were on my bag. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do.

"Hey lady, move it."

"Lady, you're in my seat. Move."

"Look, lady, just because you read The New Yorker doesn't mean you can take my seat."

"Hey, boyfriend, could you please tell this lady to get out of my seat?"

"Hey, boyfriend, why didn't you tell this lady that I was sitting next to you?"

This woman was so very New Yorker. I hated her from the moment I saw her.

Luckily D said "Um, excuse me, my girlfriend was sitting there."

I smiled at her, but not sincerely.

She rolled her eyes and moved over so that I could sit down, but not enough so that there was actually room for me on the couch. When I sat down our legs were touching.

I edged closer to D so as not to have any more contact with this woman. She and her husband were clearly peeved, not happy to be there, etc.

When the waitress came to our area, she asked the couple what they wanted.

"Nothing," they said.

"Oh, well, you have to buy something. There's either a two drink minimum per person or $12 minimum."

"Oh, well, we don't want anything," they said, combative.

"It's our policy, I mean, you could buy like two bottles of water or maybe sodas? Or would you like a juice?"

"We are not buying anything."

"Well, it's the policy. It says on the ticket. They tell you when you buy your tickets."

"Nobody told us," they yelled.

"Well, I'm sorry, but it's the policy. You have to buy something if you want to sit at a table or on the couches."

"We're not going to," they said. "We didn't know, so we're not going to."

"Well, I'm really sorry, but you have to."

"No, we won't."

"Well, I'll go on to the back and get the manager, then, and he'll come out and talk to you."

Poor waitress. Lame New Yorker reading upper crust having-too-much-money complaining about $20 in drinks assholes.

Now.

First of all, I agree that the two drink minimum or the dollar minimum is ridiculous. If you've already paid for a ticket, why do you have to pay another $12 just to be there? It would be better if the tickets were just slightly more costly.

Second of all, it is indeed possible for someone not to have known about the minimum. This has happened to us all, and we're always annoyed when we find out that we have to buy drinks even though we're not thirsty.

But.

Where do these people get off thinking they're exempt from the rules?

Why do they just get to break the rules?

The waitress came back and said "Well, the manager said you don't have to buy anything this time, but just know that in the future there will be a two drink minimum."

Ahhh!

They got away with it.

And it's not even annoying that they got away with it. If they had been nice people who were taken aback by the minimum and apologetic for not knowing, fine.

But these people were mean. They made the waitress uncomofortable. They intimidated her into backing down. And the rest of us, a bunch of people who weren't hungry or thirsty, had to pay an extra $12 or more to see the same show.

These people could have just gotten up and stood, like the other people who didn't feel compelled to pay the two drink minimum, but no. They just decided to be jerks and be mean and be the squeakiest wheels and roll their eyes and sigh loudly and just be generally unpleasant.

Ugh.

I liked the show, though, even though I was irritable and falling asleep.

I swear I'll be in a better mood soon.