Antisocial

Lately I have been trying to overcome tendencies to be antisocial. I don't know why it is that I am feeling antisocial - it might be a response to the overly and only social break over the holidays, or a response to creeping ever closer to 30, or a response to not being the happiest I've ever been.

Regardless...

I decided to go out last night when invited. I had pre-existing plans to dine with E and discuss his opus. Dinner with a friend is not something I consider "social." When I say antisocial, I mean "not wanting to hang out with large-ish groups of people, especially when I do not know or do not like various members of the group." I guess I have less and less tolerance for smalltalk as I get older. I have little desire to engage in being social for the sake of being social. I want quality, not quantity.

It is bizarre that I've been acting antisocial given that I've been feeling a bit on the lonely side as of late. Not desperate lonely, or wishing there were people around. More like wishing that there existed the option of people being around.

After hanging up the phone with M last Saturday night, post-girlish discussion of "the future," I was sad, because I wished that the conversation could have been shared in person over mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Indian food with E was lovely, complete with the requisite wishing I had a different job entirely, this particular wish involving a life in which I would read screenplays all day and find inconsistencies and lovely quirks and realness therein. I then headed over to D's to meet up with him and his friend and his friend's friend to go to a comedy show that started at 11.

We hung out at his place for a bit - they all drank lots while I abstained because of the two drink minimum at the club. I think part of my antisocial tendencies stem from my consistently being the only sober person in groups. Always people drinking and drinking and drinking. I don't have that luxury because my window between buzzed and drunk is one sip. I'm always cautious. I therefore always feel like an outsider. "Have another one!" people always say. They don't understand that "one" more for me will cause a mess. Regardless, I had fun last night. It was fun and funny. And I drank far too much, because I haven't had too much to drink in far too long.

Nights like that make me wonder why I don't do these things more often.

The only problem with this is that it has interfered with my attempt at not being antisocial tonight. The plan for tonight was to go to this bar that has ping pong and scrabble and jazz after work. Do I want drinks? No. Do I want to hang out with these people? Also no. Do I feel like I should be doing something other than reading or watching a movie? Yes. Do I want to play ping pong and/or scrabble while still feeling dehydrated and gross from last night? No.

Is this that big of an issue? No. I am going to go and have a drink and I will feel miraculously fine. The rest of the weekend is going to be anti-social as well - I am going to the ballet tomorrow night with D and may or may not hang out with Former-Favorite-Ex-Boyfriend tomorrow. It will depend on how lonely I feel tomorrow morning when I wake up.

Again, do I want to? Absolutely not. Do I want just to have something to do and to see a familiar face? Yes.

Ah, New York, you have changed me so much. No drama, just filler.

OK. I should finish working and have some sort of snack to prepare for drinks and Scrabble. Wooo! Have nice weekends, kids!