Some People Should Not Be Allowed To Be Happy

Atop this list?

Ex-es.

Especially evil ex-es who pretty much ruined you for eternity.

And they should not be happy with people who know of and directly experienced the ruin.

There's something especially disturbing about an ex being happy with someone you know. It's almost as though you suffered and therefore paved the way for this person to be happy. You suffered the chaos, the judgment, the emotional turbulence, the bullshit, the pain, the therapy, the anger, the sadness, the insecurity, the not feeling good enough, only in order for that person to bypass it entirely and then to be happy.

It's not fair.

It's not fair that they get to be happy.

It is especially unfair that he gets to feel secure and that there's someone out there who loves him and thinks he's enough, someone who's willing to follow him and put up with his issues.

I don't have that.

It's funny. I'm not jealous of her. Yes, I wish things had turned out differently but I know now that it was for the best. I'm not jealous of her. I'm jealous of him, that he gets to be over it and found someone that loves him that way and that much. I'm so jealous that he's moving on, that he's made decisions, that he's confident and secure. He and I - we are 2/3 of the people who went through that mess and I bet 2/3 of us came out fine on the other end. I just expected it to be a different 2/3. He wasn't supposed to be part of it. He is supposed to be ruined because he ruined everything for all of us.

I'm feeling distressed these days over the concept of time. I feel time passing. I spent a good part of my life waiting for him. Waiting for him to grow up, to make difficult decisions, to tell me what was going on. I was powerless. I let time pass, I let opportunities with other men pass, I let my life pass me by because of hope and a false sense of security.

I am jealous that he's not waiting anymore.

I, however, am. I am still waiting on a man, a different man now, to make up his mind, and I can't stand it. I hate that we, as women, have to wait for a man to commit. I hate living the cliche. I hate putting everything on hold so as not to scare someone away. I hate playing the game. I hate being dishonest. I hate pretending that everything is cool when I want to demand that he tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I was feeling a bit messy yesterday and called D to ask if I could spend the night with him. I've never done that before. I've never asked. He asked me if something was wrong and I just broke down and cried, not because of jealousy, but because this feeling of waiting reminds me of old things that are very painful. I was cryptic and finally admitted that I'd received some disturbing information about The Sandwich. I wanted to say "I want to be enough for you. I wasn't enough for him even though he told me I was. I want you to think that I am enough, I want you to have faith in me, I want you to have faith in us, I want you to think that this is worth it." I said, instead, that I was sad and that it was bringing up old feelings and that I was distressed that The Sandwich's life was working out for him.

D said "Well, that's normal."

I said incoherent things and D listened. He often asks me what I need at times like this. I usually say "I just need you to listen and not be dismissive." But last night I needed affirmation. I needed a hug. I needed him to say "It's going to be ok. You have me. I'm here for you."

I thought of RR and her Boyfriend Cue Cards, and I said "Maybe this would be a good time for you to say 'Don't worry, you have a boyfriend who loves you very much.'" I had about 43 other cue cards ready, but didn't use them, because what's the point?

He said it, and then said "Well, what do you want me to do? Should I distract you? Should we talk about it? What should I say?"

He tries so hard, and I appreciate it, but the ability to comfort people is something you know how to do or don't know how to do. I don't have a protocol for this. I guess its an innate technique. The Sandwich knew. No matter how bad things got, I always felt comforted. Last night I missed him, because he would have known what to say.

I think I may write a song. Woo hoo!

That is all.

Happy Monday to you all.