Have Disdain for Your Audience

My last photography class was last night. Instead of having an actual class, we had a party - with a group exhibit (also including photos from the other Tuesday night class - I'd said the week before "What if that other class is better than us? We'll have to fight them!" but, ahem, they were not better than us) that was open to the public. I was very happy that my New York friends showed up. It was nice of them to show their support.

It was fun. Very, very fun. I expected there to be only a few people, but I think there were probably 100 people there (not all at once - over the course of three hours). It was interesting to watch strangers react to my photography. It was interesting to see other people's photography. It was fun to gush over the amazing shows and make fun of the not-so-amazing shows.

At one point I was standing near my photos, and Teacher came up to me and started giving me a hard time about the show I chose. I'd agonized over it. I had three solid shows - all very different - and decided to go with a less-emotional, more technically sophisticated show. He said "These all pop - which is good - but they all stand alone. It's too obvious." He was cross with me for not picking the more emotional, more subtle show. I'd wanted to pick the emotional, personal one but had been convinced otherwise by D, who was very attached to the show I ended up picking.

"But other people..." I said.

"Don't listen to other people."

"But they are the audience."

"You have to have disdain for your audience. If you aren't arrogant, you won't be a good photographer."

Interesting.

He said "All of your images are good. Everything you do is good. I wouldn't say this unless I thought you were capable of both."

I was flattered. He was gushing. I wanted to give him a hug but didn't, because that would be inappropriate. But it probably would have been ok, because there was much wine being consumed.

What he said is true. I have to trust myself. I can't seek approval from others. I have to go with my instinct and put myself out there and I should have put up the other show because I was more attached to it. I guess his point was that an artist's attachment to something is very important, and that the audience will see and respond to that.

Yes.

It was sad to say goodbye to my classmates. Just as I'd grown attached to the work I produced throughout the class, I'd grown attached to them. Having something concrete every week, looking forward to seeing people, getting excited about their shows... I don't know what I am going to do with myself.

I collected contact information and we talked about taking another photography class together. Or forming a club. Or getting together for a reunion after the holidays to look at everyone's photos from their holiday travels. I was thinking of maybe setting up a Flickr group for us, but they don't have accounts.

All of these things we say that we'll do... will I ever see them again? Probably not. I'll try, though. Because I am attached.

Saying good-bye to Teacher was even worse. "Well, I'm leaving," I said. Silence. "Umm... the class was good. Comprehensive. I enjoyed it. Yeah." "I want to see more of your images." "I have so many I never had time to show you." "Send them to me. Please. Keep in touch." I didn't say "You were awesome, you taught me so much, your criticism and praise have been motivating. Thank you thank you thank you thank you."

D said "So what's next?" and I said "Shit. I don't know." I don't know. I think nothing until after the holidays, and then the ball will start rolling and I'll start working on a portfolio and will make phone calls to Teacher about old lenses and picking images and programs. And I'll start a photography club. And I'll learn how to use film, I swear.

Today I am feeling a mixture of elation and distress. The show went well, the photos were well-received, I had great conversations with friends and strangers, people had fun, I felt all sorts of love and support which is something that I lack here in NYC. I've been thinking about the final show for 9 weeks and it's over. There's now the sense of having nothing to look forward to.

Oh well.

It was a good 9 weeks and I guess all good things must come to an end.