My Parents Are Even Cheaper Than I'd Realized

I adore my parents. They are extremely loveable despite and because of their parent quirks.

I called them on Saturday to let them know that I'd changed my phone number, in case, for some reason, they'd been trying to get in touch with me or if they tried to call me before they received the email I'd sent explaining my current cell phone situation. I know that they worry, and I wanted to make sure they weren't worrying unnecessarily.

As she was writing down my new phone number, Mother said "Oh... is this a New York number?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed proudly.

"Oh well, then," she said, and sighed.

"What?"

"Well, I guess you'll just have to call us."

This was bizarre on two levels. The first was that my calling them isn't really different from what occurred when I had my original phone number. They never call! The second was the sigh regarding my New York number. Was she disappointed that I'd officially made the transition?

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, we don't have long distance."

"What?"

"We can't call outside of eastern MA or sourthern NH."

"No, you mean you can't call from eastern MA or southern NH, right? You don't have roaming."

I knew that my parents have an archaic, minimal cell phone plan. I knew that they couldn't roam, because my father always calls right before they get to somewhere they can't call from and declares "Well, just thought I'd call you before we get to Sturbridge because we can still talk to you! What's going on? Do you need to tell us anything?" I knew that they don't have any anytime minutes at all. They only have nights and weekends, and so can call only after 7 pm or on the weekends because otherwise it would cost them something like 50 cents a minute. I know this because my mother will frantically call me in the middle of the day and say "I'm using the calling card can you call me back?!" I knew that they have no long distance on their home phone because they are cheap.

What I didn't know was that my parents don't have long distance on their cell phone either! Is this even a possibility? Isn't that the point of having a cell phone? My parents don't really use it to be mobile. I think they have it so Father can talk from the car on weekends when he doesn't feel like shopping with Mother. They also have it so they can talk while they're indulging their their internet-addicted personalities, but this doesn't really work because they don't have good reception in their house. Inevitably I'll call them and they'll be like "Hi! We can't hear you! Call us back on the real phone in three minutes!"

She said "No, we can't actually call anywhere outside the local area or we get charged for it."

"Are you sure?" I insisted.

She said she was sure. I confirmed this with Father.

I said "Maybe you guys should get long distance. I mean, 2/3 of your kids live out of state now."

"No, that's why we have the calling card," Mother said. "That's how we talked to your brother in IL."

I can't believe they didn't get long distance to talk to my brother in IL!

"Huh," I said. "Well, I guess you can call me with the calling card and I can call you back."

But really, isn't it my Parents' responsibility to figure out a way to talk to their kids? What would they do if we didn't have cell phones or long distance plans? Clearly we are the ones who can't afford these things.

I also can't believe that my parents have nobody to call outside of their local area. I guess it makes sense - both of them were born and raised in MA and all of their families have settled there. They've never lived anywhere else, so I guess they've haven't had many opportunities to become friends with people who live in other states.

It's just bizarre that people exist, in this era, who can't make long distance calls.

My parents also have dial-up internet.

They're crazy, but that's why I love them.