Life Out of Balance - Part 1

It amazes me that D can still remain cute when sick.

D was very ill last night. The current theory is food poisoning. My feeling is that a tomato left at room temperature for a little less than a week in a very hot apartment is the likely culprit. He blames "weird cheeses put in an omelette."

Either way, it was a rough night.

I am consumed with feelings of both sympathy and helplessness. I realize that there is nothing I can do. I just want him to be better. I don't want him to suffer. Ever. I can't stand it.

I am fairly convinced that I should never, ever have children.

I woke up at about 5am after having gone to sleep at about 1am, and remained awake listening to D sigh loudly while he tossed and turned and fidgeted and moaned and said "Is it hot in here? I'm hot" and then two minutes later "I'm freezing. Where are the blankets?" Awful. I couldn't sleep at all. He was suffering and I couldn't get that, as well as other things, off my mind.

I am dead tired.

I am wondering if D is ok. I think I will stop by after lunch to see how he is doing. I asked him if he wanted me to (he was so delirious) and he was all smiley and "Yes, I would like you to take care of me." In the same situation, I'd have said "No, don't worry about it" even though I meant "Yes, please, I need you. And bring apple sauce with you!"

I also can't help thinking "I wish I were sick." Some deranged part of my psyche is hoping that D has a one day flu and that I will catch it. Why? Because I want to stay home. I want to sleep late. I want to watch movies and not feel guilty about it and not feel that I am wasting time. Yes, I realize that being sick is terrible. I never get sick. Ever. I never miss work for something like a cold or flu or infection. I miss work for things like kidney stones and minor surgeries. I never have allergies or transient flus. I had an ear infection earlier in the year, and I may have missed like half a day.

I had food poisoning earlier in the year. It was bad. It was when D and I were first dating. I'd spent the night at his house - it was maybe the fourth or fifth time ever - and I was mortified, embarrassed, pale, pouting. I stayed home from work that day, and you know what? It was awesome! Granted, I couldn't eat and my bowels were ripping themselves to shreds, but I got to do the dishes! And I watched TV! And read blogs! And made a mix CD for D! And I slept. Lots.

So yeah. I'm tired and worried and lame today. It's weird because I am used to D being around and he's not and that makes me sad. Lame lame lame.

I also don't have much work to do, which makes things worse. Plenty of time for my mind to wander and think things like "What if it isn't the flu? What if there's something wrong with him again? What if it's like last time?"

My stomach churns just thinking about last time.

I am such a zombie right now.

I should work a bit.

More later.