Productive Sick Day

I am home sick again today. I am feeling even better, but not 100% better, and I am apparently paranoid about being stuck on the street with nowhere to go and with nobody to help.

I realized this morning that one of the worst things about living in a big, loud, insane city is commuting to work when not feeling optimal. There's nothing more unpalatable to me right now (aside from food) than leaving my apartment and navigating the obstacle course that is Hell's Kitchen in order to get to work. I can't stomach the idea of zillions of people, oppressive heat, rocky subway rides, a long walk, loud traffic, loud pedestrians, etc. while feeling nauseous. No. I just can't do it, and so will I stay home and probably be fine but I'd rather take a sick day than take a chance with this sick city.

Despite yesterday's discomfort and malaise, it ended up being a relatively awesome day.

The day's successes included:

1. D getting an interview
2. finally talking to M on the phone (and the bonus of cute baby noises)
3. a $100 deposit on the piano (bitter sweet, this is really happening)
4. another tidy Craigslist transaction - this time selling the camera that Father somehow broke in Egypt
5. the car's mirror being fixed! finally!
6. purchase of eyeglasses without having to actually purchase them - the guy was all "well, if you think you might return them then why don't I just give them to you? we don't want to have to pay for two transactions so we'll just write down your information and call you if you don't bring them back." (I am going to bring them back - maybe today if I can handle the chaos out there - I like them but I don't love them, and since there will be no drama when I bring them back - no credit card exchange, no paranoia about whether or not I've gotten credit back - I am more inclined to bring them back)
7. phone call from doctor that I've been missing for the last two weeks due to working too much and not being available for phone conversations - finally! scrip AND results being mailed to me! yeah!

The only annoying thing about the day was a procrastinated phone conversation with Father, who I've been avoiding since our minor at-work fight last week. He made the horrifying declaration that he's considering becoming a photographer, which of course has me doubting everything and to be honest I can't imagine anything more horrifying than having a career in common with Father. I decided NOT to be an engineer or anything related ON PURPOSE so as not to be anything like him. He is not allowed to be like me!

I said "Father, I don't think you'd be a good photographer..." and he said, robot-like, "Why?" I can't understand how a man can have no feelings and how I can say such things but times are desperate. "You don't have the personality for it. You have to be able to make people feel comfortable" (instead of pissing them off and annoying them and making them feel small and inconsequential and stupid, but I didn't say that part). "I'm changing." "Well, I'll believe it when I see it. You can't have your way when someone's paying you to do the job for them." "I'm changing. I did some photography the other night for a band and I actually asked them what they wanted me to do for them." "Did you do what they asked?" "Well, I did half of what they asked for and half of what I wanted." I guess that's progress, but seriously. We can't do the same thing with our lives. We CAN'T. It can't be. It just CANNOT. I can't have him hovering over me with advice and nonsense about anything else.

For example, he was giving me a hard time yesterday about transacting stock. Why? No reason. Just because he can, and that's how he operates, and I was like "Father, it's MONEY. There's nothing BAD ABOUT MONEY." Grief for the sake of grief, and grief for the sake of being right, even though he's wrong and knows nothing about what he's talking about.

Rage, folks. Luckily the day's successes counterbalanced the rage.

If he becomes a photographer I may have to completely write him off. Who knew it would be a career change that would put me over the edge?

I suppose its because he has been giving me a wicked hard time about switching careers and being irresponsible, but when HE wants to do it he's doing it the right way and it's not a big deal and he's excited.

He keeps saying "So, what's going on with school? You still going ahead with that?" and when I say "Um, yes, like I told you last time, I've already paid the first round of tuition and I'm starting on June 4th" there's a disappointed "Oh" as if he's waiting for me to say "Actually, I've reconsidered everything and I'm going to stay in my lame career but still move to Boston because that's what YOU want so I can be closer to you but miserabe."

Rage.

Onto more positive things, because I am trying to be positive! Today I am going to eat three full but bland meals at normal times. I am going to take a short walk and get The Voice and the mail and return the glasses. I am going to defeat this stomach thing once and for all! I am going to completely recover so that I can go to work tomorrow and be met with piles of packages and delayed experiments and oh man the stress but do I care? No! Because D has an interview and he will get the job and I will be able to give a two week notice soon and then move to MA where there is wind and quiet and lie to Father and pretend that I still live in NYC and am still working at my lame job so that I won't have to deal with him.

Right. Positive. I'm being positive.

On a positive note, I am now going to attempt to eat some cereal. Lucky charms, here I come.