Googling

Why do I insist on googling people from my past? No good can come from this! You might not find the person - bad result. This is always the case with introverted people from high school with whom I am still fascinated and still cannot gain access to. You might find the person you miss - bad result! It's not like you're going to contact them because that would be weird. Or is it? I found someone from college - someone who I shouldn't even remember but I was telling a story a while back that involved him and I thought "What ever happened to that guy?" Now I know where he works. And his email address. You might find the person you hate - and find out that they are happy! - and be forced to look at a picture of that asshole. Ergh.

Anyway.

I was watching a documentary this weekend and I swear that someone I used to work with was in it, so I googled him to see if I could find any indication of whether it was him, and now I am vexed, because I could email him, but do I want to? No! Should I? Yes! Because his email is on the web for all to see!

The weekend was good.

I slept in on Friday, then went to the dentist where I learned that I do not have any cavities as suspected. Woot! I was told to floss every day. Really. I was given a zillion small flosses and a toothbrush that won't fit in my toothbrush holder. It was freezing out, which made my failed quest for a nativity set that much more frustrating. I tried KMart (I haven't been in a KMart in years, I think, and KMart is becoming Target-ized - there are actually nice things, thanks to Martha, I imagine) but there were no mangers. Only piles and piles of beautiful Martha-designed Christmas ornaments and tree skirts and other things I wanted to buy. I managed to convince myself that having a Christmas tree this year is unrealistic due to cost - lights, stand, skirt, garland, ornaments, ahem. Yes, these things are one-time purchases but its just not the right year. I left KMart without sparkly blue bulbs and walked across the street to Macy's, which was beautiful but lame because there were no nativity sets. I had to battle tourists on the escalator and then elevator for 8.5 floors to find this out. The horror, the horror. Back at home I ate a lame sandwich and practiced Christmas carols in preparation for the party this week! When D came home from his half day, we braved the cold and made a huge decision. We celebrated by watching Clerks 2 and going to bed early as we were spent from big decisions, cold, and the apartment being 55 degrees.

Saturday was not terribly productive. Unplanned phone calls, missed brunch, Bust craft fair in Williamsburg (where I purchased no gifts as this is going to be a giftless Christmas by design so instead bought the best. butter. dish. ever.) where I felt terribly uncool and old and disgusting, soup and hot chocolate with NR, cleaning the apartment to immaculateness, more decisions but this time smaller and EBay-related (I have become addicted!), more cleaning, documentary, sleep and lots of it.

I opted not to go to a movie yesterday in favor of staying in, sleeping more, and practicing carols. I was unproductive due to stomach issues and also the fact that my toe might be broken. I got out of bed and jammed it on the keyboard in my bedroom. I have stubbed my toe approximately 4,324 times in my bedroom - either on D's side of the bed or on the keyboard, but this time my toe is purple and seems not to want to move anymore. Also it hurts. All the time. Hmmmm. I read a bit, and then headed out with D to the Matt Damon taping of Inside the Actor's Studio, which was awesome and insightful and the MA-pride level is insane right now, which is timely given that soon I will most likely be a resident again. He had wonderful anecdotes and I feel like I could direct a movie now. Best was his humbleness. We went for drinks afterwards and I had a martini in the manner of organic vodka/ginger/carrot juice/lime juice and mint that was not very good. The salad was, however. The conversation took a turn for the ugly when the subject was changed from "I was thinking about if we move and the rent because I won't have any income I was thinking..." to "Did I ever tell you about how in Saudi Arabia my friend and I used to shake soda cans and then open them and throw them into the air?" and then red flags going up and of course "You can't make these huge decisions without talking to me about them!" It ended well and I always know that our life philosophies are so very different but sometimes I have to think about my own life. I take my time with big decisions. He makes up his mind instantly and then delivers. And doesn't tell anyone that his mind has changed and that their lives will change accordingly. I admire this in many ways, I just want to be part of it instead of tagging along. He says "I can't be held to things I said before." I say "Unless you tell me that your mind has changed you can't expect me to be psychic - I would just assume that what you told me last about the topic still holds."

The conversation was constructive and I feel better. I feel part of things. I know he has me in mind when he makes these decisions. He makes assumptions about what I want, and that's very sweet, but per his point, things change and the last time we talked about this was, like, March. The Worst Day Ever hadn't happened yet, and moving now is very different from moving before. I think its the right thing, but I need to understand what it is before I commit to it.

I have to sell the piano. I have to buy another one. I need to look for a job. Or not. I don't know when we'd go. I don't know if he's looking for a job. He said he'd leave as soon as he got one. What would we do with our current apartment? Would I stay and work?

He knows it will be fine. It will be, but I want to be prepared. I want to make the most money possible before I stop making money. I want to be excited. I want to apply to school if this is really happening. I want to be able to talk about finances because you need to be able to talk about finances before you do something like this. Like what sort of apartment can we afford? What do we each want?

What is going on?

Anyway.

It's fine. It's going to be fine. It's just overwhelming and I am unprepared. And if its really happening, I want to prepare.

Did you know that it came upon a midnight clear? That's what the radio keeps telling me, over and over again.