The Blog Lives On

I swear I've not forgotten about the blog.

My time is at a premium these days. I am suddenly high profile which means high levels of pressure and therefore less time to spend on things like emails and blogging. While I appreciate the attention and enthusiasm, I'd prefer a return to the days when I knew what was going on.

My mood these days has been bad, which is another reason I haven't been writing.

Life has become ragingly insecure. Work is normally a source of self esteem even in the most severe of circumstances, but lately work has been nothing but stress and pressure and long meetings and longer hours and bitterness and low morale and being pissed off that nobdoy else works and that everyone else can take 16 coffee breaks and an hour for breakfast and two hours for lunch and three hours to chat with friends and an hour to buy shoes while I'm working like a maniac. I am angry and oppressed. I am forced to do things I don't want to do. I get aggressive emails from someone I disrespect. I want to declare "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" but fear I'll be fired, but then again, apparently not working isn't grounds for being fired so I guess I can make declarations.

I've been not doing work on purpose. I was inspired by a late night conversation about the origin of work ethic, and decided that I too can be like everyone else and work minimally and not suffer from low self esteem! So I didn't do a few things this week that could have been done, and it feels terrible. This is my own issue, not the issue of others. Work is not rewarded. Popularity is. I don't want to be popular and I want to work hard, so I suffer and am not rewarded.

I am normally not the sort of person who is affected by work, but I think this sort of issue is indicative of how the world in general works and it is more about a sense of justice than the specific issue itself.

I am also normally not affected by work because I normally use my job to have a kick-ass life outside of work.

My life outside of work, as of late, has been slipping.

My mood is causing me to be unmotivated, so I haven't wanted to do anything.

Even if I wanted to do anything I couldn't because I am "saving money."

When I decide not to "save money," I end up drinking too much and crying while watching something sad on the news and regret having gone out at all.

The future is uncertain, in many ways.

Things that were once a source of comfort and stability no longer exist.

I am trying to switch careers but I can't do it myself. Other people are involved but they are incapable of talking about it concretely. This is not done on purpose, its just a personality conflict that neutralizes me because I am not going to make executive decisions that affect other's lives so completely. I don't want to do something like this lightly because it is not a light thing.

I was supposed to be in Italy last week and this week, and guess what? I didn't go.

So I'm bored and hungry (because I'm too unmotivated to cook) and I feel like life is passing me by and there are things in the future to dread and nothing to actually look forward to.

But its Friday and people are getting married this weekend and for them I am happy, and I am happy that D will race, and I am happy that I will get to see Sister next week and some friends I haven't seen in ages. I just wish that was all I had to do next week.

I'm going to post a normal blog entry now, because dear god these sorts of editorials don't make anyone happy.