Personal Day

The Boss sent me home yesterday, forbade me from staying at work any longer. He demanded that I go home after purchasing citrus-y fruits where I would eat the fruits and then sleep.

The combination of jet lag and my monthly vile visitor and the cold/cough/bronchitis whatever from Europe and the humidity and the headache and the poor eating and I think a week's worth of Sudafed and Nyquil and Imitrex destroyed me yesterday.

I am going to call in sick today, but I am going to use a personal day, because I have two of those and two sick days and you just never know when you're going to be really sick.

I think I may just be having insulin issues. That's sort of what it feels like, but I can't really tell because of the jet lag and the headache and the girl things and everything else.

Work has this ridiculous policy wherein you have to call your boss and the front desk when you're going to be out, so that the front desk can you put you on the "absent roster" for the day. This is a good policy, except that nobody is at the desk until like 8:30 or 9:00, so if you wake up at your normal time and realize "Whoa, I'm sick, I'm not going to work today" and then because you are so sick you would like to go back to sleep and sleep for the rest of the day, you can't because you have to wake up again at 8:30 and then possibly again at 9:00 to call in sick.

Hence the blogging.

This will be a good day. I hope to finish "Fortress of Solitude" which *is* an amazing book despite its being so dense. Well worth the time investment, but I recommend finding a paperback because carrying the hardcover throughout Europe wasn't the best idea. I will also catch up on the vacation blogging, and will hopefully add photos to the entries, although that's going to be an insane project. Maybe I'll at least get through Spain. I'll let you know when the photos are there.

I'm thinking about how I wish I had an older sibling. I confronted D last night about the cocaine issue. I said "Look, I don't think that it's responsible for people with small children to be (a) doing cocaine and (b) getting into cars with people who have been drinking too much and also doing cocaine." I wanted to make sure that he didn't think that this was acceptable behavior, not for others, but for himself as a parent. I knew that he thought it was acceptable behavior for US to get in the car (which I did not) but did he think it was acceptable behavior for parents of cute, little nieces? He couldn't believe that I was judging his brother and that they are GOOD, GOOD parents, and how dare I? but he also understood, and said that no, he would never do that if he had kids. I said "Do you think its good that your brother smokes pot in front of your little nieces?" He insisted that his brother is a good parent, which he is in many ways. I said "If your brother smokes pot in front of our 13 year old someday will you tell him not to?" He said his brother would never do such a thing, but yes, he would tell him not to. I guess I wanted to make sure that D knows that he's marrying McGruff and that I have a firm opinion about this sort of thing, and that I won't budge. I realize that kids will experiment and that there's no way to avoid it, but I don't want to set the example that it's ok. And I don't want to be irresponsible about drunk driving etc. when there are little people who are depending on only me.

Phew. It went well.

But it got me to thinking how I wish that I had an older sibling sometimes.

Someone to look up to, to believe in, a model who in your eyes can do no wrong.

Someone to emulate.

I think that when you're the oldest you end up emulating your parents, and you end up being over-resposible and cautious and neurotic and grow up too fast. You study too much and worry about things. You worry about your younger siblings. You have nobody to idolize, and nobdy to learn from. You don't have the opportunity to learn that if you mess up things will still turn out ok. You don't get to learn that doing cocaine doesn't affect your life in any way and that you'll still have a beautiful wife and children. You don't have someone who is infallible in your eyes.

And then you end up making huge mistakes as an adult (you rebel, hard) because you played it too safe as a kid.

I never rebelled in the classic ways. I've never done cocaine. I tried some lesser things with Sister but they had no effect. I drank all the time when I graduated from college. I was in very risky relationships. I destroyed my heart and damaged myself probably forever. I gave up on grad school because I was burnt out and here I am, happy anyway and most likely happier.

But I can't let go of that feeling that I am too conservative and/or lame, that I don't understand how the world is because I worry about things like drugs and helmetless biking in the city.

And I am lame because when I travel I come back and ask all of these questions because travelling gives you the distance you need to reevaluate your entire life.

And you wonder, when you land, why being home is the last place you want to be.

But NR is moving here, so all will soon be right.