Certified Mail is Certified Scary

Worst. title. ever.

Nevertheless...

I met up with former department head from former company from which we were both laid off ages ago. These days, he is a big wig at a big company. He was in NJ visiting one of their sites, and suggested we meet for dinner in the big city. I owe him everything (I'd not be here were it not for him, but I earned his recommendation so I don't feel bad about it) so it was the least I could do. In addition, another former employee of his recently relocated to NYC without knowing a soul other than her brother, and he asked if I'd be her friend.

"Of course," I said. "I know what that's like."

Plus, I love a good friend set-up.

When I met Former Boss on the street, he yelled "I can't believe you live and work in this jungle!"

Being in the industry he, of course, knew about the nonsense that is going on. He can empathize with the trauma of the potential layoff, and the desire to avoid the actual trauma of the actual layoff.

He did not, however, offer me a job on the spot.

The friend set-up was cool. She is a young whippersnapper with absurdly high expectations of herself and for her life. She thought I was Punjabi. "I get that a lot," I said, "And don't understand." "It's your complexion." Apparently being as-white-as-possible means you are Punjabi?

Because the big company was picking up the bill (woop!), we drank too much and kept forgetting to order food. I needed martinis (many, many martinis) after the day's work-related and personal-life related news. What I hadn't anticipated needing was the support of someone who understands. This dinner couldn't have come at a better time. It was nice to reminisce about the carnage of lay-offs with someone who experienced it with me. I was never close to Former Boss, but experiencing something like that with someone bonds you for life.

D called mid-dinner. Taken a back, I was like "What do you want?" "Where are you?" "Mirchi?" I said. "Still?" "We haven't even ordered yet."

I invited him to join us after he said he was calling to see if he could come over. I didn't expect him to, as I figured he was trying to come over in order to break up with me for having the audacity to suggest having a conversation about living together. "Awesome!" he said, and appeared ten minutes later.

Of course he was a big hit. Former Boss told glowing stories about my insanely productive years, and how working with me was such a treat. Aw, shucks. We drank more and I left with the spins.

We small talked in the cab back to mon apartement. No mention of the "Moving In Together" speech. He was completely normal. It was as though nothing had happened.

I realized, then, that he has no idea.

Which is not surprising. All data suggested that this would be the result.

Starting from scratch, folks. Starting from scratch.

I made a list this time, because the list is already out of control and I am afraid of bringing up old things that are not relevant to the topic(s) at hand, among which are being ignored, the future, the future being ignored, inability to talk about the future, inability to talk about the relationship, inability to engage in normal couply dialogue such as "Are you looking for a new job and therefore moving away?" "Why yes, I am!" and "Wow, am I stressed about being laid off!"

I passed out with the spins, and endured the fabulous drunk sleeping pattern of feeling like you are waking up every three minutes. Each time you think "Dear god I need some water," but then think "But I might fall asleep! I can't take the chance!" Repeat three minutes later.

I woke up with headache and other wonderful pains, but didn't care because the sun was out and D was in my bed.

When I was gathering my things together to bring to work, I found a little note indicating that I had certified mail! (this whole episode from the night before was foggy) No! Certified mail freaks me out. I am afraid that I am being sued or that I owe some insane quantity of money to an unknown service that I've totally forgotten and that they are coming to take my camera away next week because I've been negligent. I am also annoyed that I will have to go to the post office to find out about whatever this unsolicited certifiedness is!

Today I am in a bad mood again because D and I were supposed to go to the movies but he asked if he could "invite M and A."

I paused.

I was thinking "Remember how last week on my birthday I was crying like a lunatic and how you didn't respond and how the following day I sent you an email about how I wanted to talk about what was making me upset and could we set aside some time and how you ignored it and also never asked me what that was all about or if I was feeling better or if there was anything you could do and how that was a week ago? Well I was thinking maybe I was going to force some time to talk about it after the movie tonight but you want to invite your friends so FINE! I don't care!"

I said "Well, I feel like we haven't had any good alone time lately."

Which meant "I feel like I haven't said anything to you in the last two weeks that I wouldn't say to a complete stranger on the street."

(Although, I should mention, that this is progress. In the past, I have thought that we are going on a date and then he'll inform me that he's invited everyone he knows to join us. Not that I mind, but I am the sort of person who likes to know what I've signed on for.)

He understood. I was like "But, I don't mind. If you want to, that's cool," because I could really use another night to cool off.

But he didn't invite them because I think, subconsciously, he knows that there are things to talk about. Especially given that I've talked about yesterday's work news with all of my coworkers, many friends, the friend set-up last night, pretty much everyone I know except for him. He must know there's some anxiety somewhere.

So hopefully it will go well. I just need information. Whatever it is. I just need to know what he's doing so I can know what to do.

It will be fine. It always is. It just takes time with us, and right now we have no idea how much time we actually have.