I Should Have Known Better

The Czars last night were too big a sound in too small a space. While we wrestled thumbs, I realized that the discussion of the serious is not something that we have in our relationship repertoire.

Consideration of the serious was precipitated by a conversation with MF. There are two other company couples. One was initiated circa the same time as D and I. They moved in together within a few months and are now engaged. MF, a friend, has been dating T for about five months, and yesterday he told me that they are planning to move in together.

"Already?" I said.

"Well, not quite yet, but the discussions are on the table."

"Really? How did they come up?"

He said "Well, basically, she told me that she's on the other side of the bridge and is ready and waiting for me to cross it."

"Huh. How did that come up?"

"Well, I don't know, we haven't talked about it officially, but it's been mentioned. And it just makes sense."

There was then discussion of leases ending, money saving, being too old to carry clothes around when you want to stay at the other person's apartment, not wanting to buy duplicates of things, wanting all of your books around when there might be time to read, etc.

"Man. You guys just talk about these things?"

I was jealous.

In addition, these feelings have been precipitated by multiple people, including friends and family and my boss, saying "I was expecting you to get a ring on your birthday!" Each time I responded with an awkward "Ha.. hahah... hah? No way! D? Are you kidding? HAH!"

But why is that so absurd? Is it really that inconceivable that a man in his 30's could make up his mind about someone he's been with for over a year?

Clearly this has not been an issue for the other girls in the company. Why is it so far-fetched for me?

It's not that I want or need him to propose, but I wish I didn't feel like it was a complete impossibility. I wish I didn't think "D? Want to marry me!? Are you INSANE? Please!"

I talked to Mother, who told me about a waiter at Uno's who was young but married. When asked why he married young, he said "Well, a friend of ours got cancer, and it just got me to thinking that there just isn't all the time in the world, you know? If you know you love someone, and you both want to be together, why wait?"

Preach on, Pizzeria Uno waiter.

I tried to think of ways to bring up The Future all night. Sitting on the couch at the show, silent, I lost a million opportunities because I couldn't find the right words. The mere contemplation of his response or non-response (more likely) made me angry with him and made me say nothing.

I didn't bring things up after the show because I hesitate to start potentially grand discussions late at night when people (me) may be tired (irritable). And we never have over two ours of undesignated time before 10 pm.

I didn't even want to bring up living together. I meant to talk about what he wants with his career, where he wants to be, if he really wants to move or if he just feels like he has to, if he's stressed out about things and what we can do about it, my career, photography classes, changes, exciting things in the future, babies, etc.

When we awoke this morning, he looked very cute and I thought "Why would it be so unpalatable for this to happen every day? It pretty much does anyway, so why do we need to pay for two places? Plus, sometimes I don't like to plan ahead what I am going to wear! What if I really want to wear my purple chucks one day and I don't have them because I didn't think of them the day before!? I can't take this anymore! I'm 30!!!"

He loudly ate cereal and mashed around in the kitchen for a bit while I stayed in bed, listening to NPR. I motioned for him to come over. Temporary insanity prompted me to take the direct route, because with D, being blunt tends to work best. I can't expect him to figure things out on his own, and my attempts at flowery exposition about the relationship are generally met with an "aww shucks" instead of dialogue or reciprocation.

And now, for your reading pleasure (with no embellishment), the transcript of the first time I have ever proposed living with someone. And yes, I realize I sprung this on him without warning, that he was caught off guard, and really, what was he to say? I didn't preface it with anything sappy, like "I'm really happy with our relationship right now, I like spending time with you, we're together all the time, we're both neat, and it would be lovely to build shelves with you." I guess I just didn't expect it to go down like this.

---

Me: So, ummmm, D, do you think that, um, if we don't get laid off, that we could talk about living together?

D: (hesitatingly, but not unenthusiastically) Yes.

Me: (smiling, beaming, glowing, ecstatic)

D: But we are going to get laid off.

Me: How do you know?

D: I know.

Me: But how? I don't think we are.

D: (stressed) Everybody thinks we are!

Me: You can't be sure.

D: I'm sure.

Me: Oh.

D: So what do you think?

Me: (not knowing if he meant the impending lay offs or the living together situation) About what?

D: About Anna Nicole?

Me: What?

D: About Anne Nicole Smith.

Me: What?

D: Anna Nicole Smith.

It took me a minute to realize that NPR had just mentioned Anna Nicole Smith. I didn't know this because I was not listening to the radio when we were having our first ever real, concrete discussion about living together.

I also realized that my boyfriend had (a) been listening to the radio while we were having this discussion and (b) was deflecting the topic at hand by making reference to Anna Nicole Smith instead of (c) being at all honest and saying something like "It's too soon" or "I like my apartment and commute and don't want to leave" or "I want to break up" or "STOP PRESSURING ME!" or "I like living alone too much" or "Let me think about it" or "Can we talk about this later please?" or "Cool, I'm happy you brought it up, I have been thinking about it too" or "I have to go to work."

No.

Anna Nicole.

I said nothing about Anna Nicole, although I was thinking "She's a terrible mother" or "She's a crackhead" or "She's pretty now but it doesn't count" as I stormed into the bathroom and shut the door. I wasn't being dramatic, I just needed to look at myself in the mirror and laugh at the absurdity of the boyfriend who is incapable of discussing or responding to real things involving the actual future.

He burst into the bathroom and said "What are you doing?"

"Staring at the bags under my eyes," I said, which was actually what I was doing.

"Did you mean you wanted to talk about it now?" he said.

"No," I said, and he left.

---

So that's that, folks.

I wish he'd just said "No."

Then I could be mad instead of disappointed.

Now I am entertaining the idea of being single soon and I having to do it with this ridiculous haircut.

Awshummmmm.