Over My Head

So. I am taking a breath to update my blog. It's bizarre how you wake up one day thinking your life is a certain way, and then everything changes after checking your cell phone messages on your way back to work from therapy. So here's what's been going on:

I am moving to NYC pending a successful background check, which I think will be fine as long as they don't question my residence during the summer of 1998 when I was living in someone's dining room in the Fenway.

I am realizing that I am a planner, and the idea of moving to NYC without having a home is stopping me from sleeping. Worst case scenario I move to NYC, rent a room for a few weeks while I endure the stress/confusion of starting a new job, not knowing where I am, not knowing a soul, while I look at apartments every night while still paying rent in Boston to store my stuff. I am compulsively checking Craigslist, responded to 10 ads today and have heard back from none. I've planned a trip to NYC this weekend to look at apartments but don't know if I'll have anything to see. God. I am completetly freaking out and am trying not to have a total meltdown while I still work crazy hours, try to figure out how to break this to my grandparents, try to see everyone I know one last time before I leave, pack, logistics, strangers, the unknown, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other Craigslist news, I posted an ad for my broken digital camera and everyone wants to buy it from me. How lovely! If I sell that thing, it will fund half a week in a stranger's room in NYC!

Beth's last ever karaoke party was this weekend. I was nostalgic. It's truly the end of an era. People sang "New York, New York" to me and I felt weepy.

I saw Collateral this weekend. Please NEVER SEE IT. Tom Cruise needs to be stopped.

I also saw Garden State last week, which was ok. It was Graduate-like but not nearly as good. My review: overrated. Some interesting characters, but nothing spectacular. There was REALLY BAD KISSING involving Natalie Portman and that guy from Scrubs. I have had a thing against Natalie Portman ever since I saw her dancing at Aria in Boston when she was 19. The girl has no rhythm. None. I felt very sorry for her, but now that I know she has no rhythm, I have less respect for her. This could possibly explain the awkward kissing. She also has a very large head. She was great in The Professional, but mainly because she was little and its ok for little kids to have large heads.

I had fabulous crepes cooked by my dear friend Jamie this past week, and I kept thinking "Who will cook me crepes in New York?"

I started sort of packing - like braving the world under my bed for the first time since I moved to Somerville. I found all sorts of crazy things such as college photos, sheet music I forgot existed, and a scrapbook from my first job out of college. I looked through it and it made me cry. Not because I miss the people or the job or even that part of my life, but because I miss who I was then. I was reading the cards that they gave me when I left, and I was such a different person then. It was before I was jaded and bitter and broken. They appreciated me for all the things I wish I was still was. It could be just that I am older and therefore not the red-pant-wearing energetic psycho I was. Or it could be because I am no longer surrounded by people who appreciate my shoes. Someone described me as "effervescent." Nobody would say that now, because I don't allow myself to effervesce because I am scared to death of attracting something that will break me again. Plus my confidence has been destroyed so I am less likely to wear red pants even though I am dying to.

Also in this scrapbook was a card from The Sandwich Who Shall Not Be Named that he gave me on my last day at that job. He used words like "always" and "forever" and "I'll be there for
you" and "the best." Agony. I gave Beth the scrapbook but kept the Sandwich's card, because it might someday remind me why I left Boston.

There's so much more, but I have to pick up my dry cleaning because I am afraid that I will forget about it and it will be in Somerville for the rest of time!