Taxes

Is it rude to do your taxes while visiting your potential future in-laws?

I don't see why it would be. What's the difference between reading eight books and doing taxes? There are no differences. Actually, I imagine I could do my taxes for 16 hours straight and not even be missed, so yes, I will bring my taxes to FL and check them off of the list. Woo. Hoo.

I'm off to Orlando tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. I will be there, unnoticed, for three days. I am less than thrilled about this for a variety of reasons, the main one being that my time in NYC is limited and I don't want to spend what time remains in Orlando or anywhere else, really. Especially under these circumstances, but love is most important and you just have to do this sort of thing whether you like it or not. I am feeling particularly "not" with all that is going on - moving, uncertain future, wanting to spend time with people here (my family, in particular), the big day possibly happening on Tuesday but not finding out until Monday when I am in Orlando with people who couldn't care less about my existence.

I had too much tequila last night and when I crawled into bed, D took the opportunity to say "I know that you've been withdrawn lately and in a bad mood and I think it's probably because of what's going on with your family and I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about things." He's so wonderful, so I didn't say what I truly wanted to say, which was that I'd be in an exponentially better mood once we returned from FL. In all honesty I just want to fast forward to the possibility of Tuesday so I can deal with things instead of dread them.

I hadn't anticipated that I'd be freaking out, and I can't freak out while around D's family because they, well, it's cultural, I know, and its not a culture of, well, feelings. They also obviously (thankfully) don't know what's going on, and I'm not going to tell them because they will be unresponsive and that will hurt my feelings even more.

I hate having secrets, and I hate having to pretend. I thought I'd feel stronger but seeing Father last week was more difficult than I'd anticipated. I keep seeing the scene, over and over again in my mind, where we all walked away while he got into his car and drove away by himself. It makes me want to cry every time. I guess I would rather be in MA than FL (although somehow not staying with anyone to whom I'm related unless it was Sister), but I'd rather be in NYC just crying this all out Just In Case.

Instead I'll be in FL staring at walls, catching up on phone calls, doing my taxes, reading books and magazines, taking long walks by myself, hopefully doing some photography, hopefully not playing more than 15 games of Phase 10, hopefully keeping my mind occupied where there's nothing to occupy my mind. We didn't get tickets to the Cirque because we didn't talk about the trip until this morning. We're not renting a car, which means we won't be going anywhere although we can borrow the car on Sunday to maybe go to Disney World. That could be fun. D's never been. I have nostalgia and can't decide if I want to ruin it or not.

I'm also getting sick, which is destroying any potential I have to psych myself up for this.

Anyway.

Have good weekends.

Until Tuesday...