Annoyed

It's not so much what he did that's bothersome to people. It's what he was like before it even happened, and what he's still like. This is what he doesn't understand, and this is why he will always find himself alone. He can't accept responsibility for any of it, and there is so much he has done wrong over decades.

It is complicated, annoying, and right now I'm enraged about money. I'm freaking out about the future. D and I had a conversation about the rent issue (and yes, it seems that the landlord is breaking the law but at this point we're so fried from being New Yorkers that it might just be time to leave) and things are going to change. And change requires money, and lots of it.

He owes me money. He is very good at playing the victim, but he owes me money, and to me its a big sum, a sum that could really help in this transition. To me it's more than money - it means less worrying, less stress, feeling less trapped, and remorse.

We have been talking about lines in the sand. We all have different lines. I drew mine a long time ago, before everyone else did. I said "This is what it is" and accepted it. But sometimes the line becomes a wall, and I don't want my wall to be money but I think the wall isn't money itself but what the money represents.

Because don't normal parents try to help their kids out with downpayments and things like that rather than contribute to their being nervous about money?

I think this is a valid wall, because why should I be kind and supportive and sympathetic when he can't be generous and reasonable to his own child? After all that he's done?

I am going to demand the money, and the result will hopefully be retribution. The result might be a wall, and that's not what I want. What I want is to feel about him the way so many people about their fathers, and he makes it impossible. And then he gets all pitiful and sad and wants us to pity him when its his own fault.

Ah, I love these sorts of moods on Monday mornings!

A better entry later...