Amnesia

We watched "Unknown White Male" last night before going to sleep.

I then dreamt that I attempted to have an affair at work with this new guy to whom I am completely unattracted, who in the dream was married to a gorgeous and exotic French wife. I mentioned this to D this morning, not to tell him that I dreamt about infedility but more to state out loud the bizarreness involved in dreaming about the unappealing new guy.

I said "I think in the dream the new guy was being played by The Evil Sandwich, and that may have been what caused the subconcious confusion."

D's response: "Do you ever wish that you had amnesia?"

I went to JV's wedding this weekend and reconnected with people who I knew Before. I relayed story after nostalgic story, telling D about how I used to go to JW and A's apartment in Brighton where I would use their CD burner to burn mix CD's for boys before anyone did such things. I told him about my longwinded hallway conversations with JW, about A's mother's octagonal home, how we went grocery shopping together, how we used to laugh and how things were wholesome and sweet and young and optimistic Before. I lost so many friends. I've lost so much.

When I returned home to the quiet and the loneliness and to nothing but me and my memories, the first thing I did was put "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" into the CD player. I didn't know why I chose that until I cried and cried. I cried because it is from Before. It's from being 18. It's from having hope, enthusiasm, things to look forward to, imagination. I haven't listened to it in ages because "Ice Cream" was ruined by one of the infamous CD mixes I made at JW's when I was naive and hopeful. I cried and cried, because it reminded me of Before instead of After, and oh how I wished with all my heart that it was still Before.

And I actually thought "If I could forget... if I could forget ALL OF THAT... if it meant forgetting ALL OF THIS, would I?"

And the answer was a resounding YES. I'd give up 30 for 18 in an instant.

I said "Yes, actually, I don't think I would mind having amnesia."

I really don't think I would. Imagine - optimism, rebirth, getting to be anyone you want, in the absence of all the awful experiences that have molded you into the cynic you are in adulthood. No fear, no sadness, no skepticism. Life would be face value. No suspicion, no pessimism, no preconceptions. No expectations, no assumptions, no insecurities from adolescence.

It makes me giddy just thinking about it.

Scary, yes. But oh, the potential!

It's been a rough couple of days.

And it's only going to get rougher.

I know I'm running into a wall.

It's a question of how to get through it.

Violently? With aggression? With pain? Will the wall pummel me? And what's on the other side? Do I care? Will I know as I'm going through it? When do I want to hit the wall? Under what circumstances? Alone? Holding hands with someone? Holding hands with the two people who understand? I haven't hit it yet. Will I know when I do?

Blah.

I'm so very boring.

I'm off to Boston to have some fun and to not have fun.

I'll be back on Monday.

Until then...