People You Were Never Meant to See Again

There are certain people in your life who you know only briefly, and who you will never see again.

You get an email one day, and you think "Well, that's that. Fuck him. Yeah. Right. I totally don't care. Not one bit. What a dick. Whatever. Fuck him. He's an idiot anyway, who doesn't know a good thing when its right in front of him. Asshole. He's such a mess and will always be. I couldn't care less, but still. Why am I sad about this when I always knew this was temporary? I knew it was going to end. But still."

People come and go, and with some people, you don't care. But every now and then you feel that last sentiment - it's not despair or actual sadness, it's more like disappointment.

I saw one of these people last night, one of these people I shouldn't have ever seen again. One of these people who, in my mind, has become fiction. He's a story, a song, a sadness. I don't feel sad about him, or us, but I feel sad about that time in my life. I feel sad not to have a specific feeling anymore. I feel sad because I know how things turned out.

It was weird, because this person was secret in my life when I knew him. He didn't know any of my friends, I knew none of his, it was this little side project that I enjoyed for a while and told virtually nobody about. I didn't tell anyone how I really felt. I said "Yeah, there's this guy whatever its something to do." But that's not how I felt. I felt "Dear god this guy is so awesome and I can't comprehend at all why he is hanging out with me and I know there is no chance so whatever but this is fun anyway." I introduced him to my friends last night and it was awkward, because I realized that I donn't know (or maybe I just don't remember) much about him other than what and where his tatoo is and how much I enjoyed hiding in his room spying on his neighbors in Somerville.

We didn't last long - I think I saw him a total of six times - and I haven't really thought of him since I received that email over a year and a half ago.

I hadn't realized, until last night, however, what a profound impact this person had on my life, on my personality, on who I am now. I had no idea.

I think this is the source of sadness. It's the intangibles. I now listen to and love certain bands because he said "I think you might like this..." This boy had a profound influence over my musical taste. He made my mind explode. My songs are a certain way because I listened to his songs. I am aware of things I wasn't aware of until I met him. Like the fact that I can apparently date and be cute with and about someone I've just met. I guess these things mean something in the longterm, even though they mean nothing at the time.

I listened to his CD over and over when I met him. We talked about collaborating. I knew we never would.

Last night I saw him play and I couldn't stop thinking "I shouldn't be here. I'm not supposed to know him anymore. He's not supposed to actually exist. He's an awkward memory. A regret. He's a neuron I no longer want."

Coupled with the weirdness was this sense of serenity. It was so very lovely. I felt like I got to experience something I wasn't supposed to get to experience. It was one of those things - you know, the things you wanted to do with someone but never got to because things ended too soon. The trips you were planning! The furniture you'd buy! The kids' names! I'd never seen him play until last night in my new life in New York City, where he now lives as well.

I don't know him at all, but I know that hearing him play last night meant something to me. I don't really know what. I guess maybe it was closure. Or acknowledgment. Or just really good, beautiful music.