Ulcer

Right now:

1. Trying to get over irritable morning commute. I tried a new trajectory this morning and, again, met with bizarre placed snowbanks that had me backtracking away from my destination at least four times. I almost got run over by a truck. I had to let two L trains go by before there was space for me. Bench Buddy said "It's awesome to live in Brooklyn, but it's at times like these that you realize that nobody cares about Brooklyn." Preach on. Irritable.

2. Trying to suppress open-mic induced ulcer. Every time I think about it my stomach flares up and I feel like I am going to vomit. It's not for 9 hours, but already I am freaking out. I suspect this will be the sort of thing where they call out "Leah" and I pretend like I am not there. I'll look around with everyone else and shrug my shoulders and wonder why this person signed up and left prior to being called! How dare they give up such a valuable opportunity?

3. Trying to convince myself that my impulse buy just now was the right thing to do. I got an email from NYU about this class - basically, you go and preview movies before they come out and then the professor interviews the director or star or both. Very cool. Very New York. The problem with this is that you don't know what the movies are, so you're paying lots of money to potentially see awful movies. I think, however, that bad movies could be worthwhile if you get to listen to Bruce Willis discuss the badness afterwards. There are screenings on Tuesday nights and then random ones on the weekends, and you could also get invited to premiers and other previews. And you might be invited to participate in focus groups. I wouldn't be agonizing over this except that money is tight these days. But, again, why live in NY if you're not going to do things like this?

4. Trying to forget ulcer by doing things such as writing blog.

5. Trying not to fantasize too hard about proposed collabo between Bench Buddy and myself in which we would perform Brick by Ben Folds at the open mic. Bench Buddy would sing in the style of Bright Eyes. I would not have an ulcer because all eyes would be on Bench Buddy.

This ulcer really needs to cease. As a kid, I'd have ballet and piano recitals and feel like this every time. One time I dropped and broke a plate the morning before a piano recital because my hands were shaking so badly. My family would always say "It's so cute - you can tell you're nervous because your foot shakes." Yes, cute, thank you. Thanks for noticing I was having a meltdown on stage and thank you even more for pointing it out. The problem with doing an open mic is that your meltdown can be two-fold - you can fuck up on the keys and in your voice. I could forget the words. My voice will quiver. My hands will be shaking. What if I forget the song completely? I think I might write down the words just to be safe. I am playing a long song so that I'll have time to acclimate over time. Maybe the first two minutes will be a disaster, but hopefully I'll be comfortable by the third minute. Man. My voice shakes a lot when I do karaoke, but only the first song. Only the first time. Maybe this first open mic will be a disaster but all future ones will be stellar. Maybe it will be such a disaster that I'll never want to do one again. Maybe it will be ok because I can look at the piano or close my eyes and I'll feel like I am at my own piano, alone. Karaoke is tough because you are forced, usually, to look at the people, and you're constantly thinking "Do they think I suck? Do they want to leave? Can they tell I'm having a meltdown?"

I should stop having an ulcer because I might not even be able to play. This could be the sort of open mic where people are rabid and they all get there an hour early and scramble to sign up. I am going to get there half an hour early, just so I can have a drink, see what's going on, decide if I really want to do this.

Is it true that there are people who don't have stagefright? Is it true that some people like public speaking?

Bench Buddy said he started smoking to deal with doing standup comedy.

I really wish I smoked. I wish I wasn't so anxious. I wish I wasn't challenging myself like this. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I had a beta blocker.

Sigh.

OK. I am going to do some math. I am glad to have that out of my system. Thank you, readers, for putting up with my self-indulgence.