I had a dream last night in which I bought a pet cockroach.
I went to pick him up at the store. In dream-land, when you buy a pet cockroach, he is given to you in a box with a little window.
I left the store and looked through the little window to gaze upon him with pride, and completely freaked out when he turned out to be a grasshopper!
Seriously. I screamed, threw the box into the air, dropped the box, causing the grasshopper to jump away and disappear. My heart rate skyrocketed and I kept screaming and screaming and screaming "I DIDN'T WANT A GRASSHOPPER! HE'S DISGUSTING!"
Right.
It all seemed so reasonable in the dream.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Disable Cookies
It's been a while since I've written.
Not writing is a result of being busy at work, feeling boring, feeling like nobody is reading (but does that really matter? the blog is for me), feeling sick, etc.
This is what has been consuming my time as of late:
Hanging stuff on walls.
Coming to terms with the possibility of no more cookies.
Trying to decide what to do with all of the cookies that will never be eaten by me.
Trying to decide what exercise videos to purchase.
Getting rubber cement all over my hands.
Looking through archives of photographs to not hang on the walls.
Experiencing anxiety about the stupid apartment when I actually remember the stupid apartment (how lovely it is to no longer be obsessed) that is allegedly rented, about which they said "We'll let you know" but of course they have not let me know. Ugh. This is tiresome.
Making slides and being uncharacteristically assertive so as to avoid being micromanaged like some lame seminar-giving puppet.
Not having much of a life due to double rent being paid for two months (not to mention due to the paying of ridiculous realtor fee).
Saving money. Yes!
Reading D's magazines.
Sleeping in the middle of the bed.
Yearning for vacation.
Searching for frames and alarm clocks and vacations.
Not blogging regularly.
I'll be back to normal soon, I promise. I think once the apartment is rented and I have a grasp on what my life should be like, I'll feel settled and normal and can go back to living and looking forward instead of being stuck.
OK.
Boring boring boring. See!?
Not writing is a result of being busy at work, feeling boring, feeling like nobody is reading (but does that really matter? the blog is for me), feeling sick, etc.
This is what has been consuming my time as of late:
Hanging stuff on walls.
Coming to terms with the possibility of no more cookies.
Trying to decide what to do with all of the cookies that will never be eaten by me.
Trying to decide what exercise videos to purchase.
Getting rubber cement all over my hands.
Looking through archives of photographs to not hang on the walls.
Experiencing anxiety about the stupid apartment when I actually remember the stupid apartment (how lovely it is to no longer be obsessed) that is allegedly rented, about which they said "We'll let you know" but of course they have not let me know. Ugh. This is tiresome.
Making slides and being uncharacteristically assertive so as to avoid being micromanaged like some lame seminar-giving puppet.
Not having much of a life due to double rent being paid for two months (not to mention due to the paying of ridiculous realtor fee).
Saving money. Yes!
Reading D's magazines.
Sleeping in the middle of the bed.
Yearning for vacation.
Searching for frames and alarm clocks and vacations.
Not blogging regularly.
I'll be back to normal soon, I promise. I think once the apartment is rented and I have a grasp on what my life should be like, I'll feel settled and normal and can go back to living and looking forward instead of being stuck.
OK.
Boring boring boring. See!?
Monday, May 08, 2006
Not In The Mood Today
I am not in the mood to work. There is much to be done, but do I want to do it? No. The work is comprised of many small tasks, the sort of small tasks that can pile up and vex you at day's end. I'm trying, I swear.
I'm a bit burnt from the weekend. Not sure why - I got plenty of sleep and plenty of time to indulge in mundane projects around the home. I've been feeling fuzzy-headed and faint as of late, which can be confused with being tired. And the headaches - oh my. I guess lots o' drugs can make you feel cloudy.
Nevertheless, the weekend was full.
A summary:
Lamest party ever to celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Friday night. I resent wealth that is not earned. I loathe former prep-school douchebags who drop hedgefund terminology to seem relevant. I hate giant flat screen TVs in kitchens. I hate feeling awkward around mariachi bands. I hate models. I hate dogs in pocketbooks. I hate entitlement.
Got home early in order to sleep. Didn't catch up on Netflix because School of Rock was on and I'd never seen it. Did projects.
Had breakfast with a coworker and her sons before they took our shelves away from us - thank you thank you THANK YOU. Her 13-year-old was eager to impress. I told him that I liked his shaggy hair and he was sold. He dropped comics knowledge and smiled so hard it made me want to cry when he found out that I too like The Beastie Boys. I forced Watchmen upon him and know that it will blow his mind. He wants to see X-Men 3 with us.
Met up with PW and The New Boy for a Tribeca Film Fest film that was sold out. No David Duchovny in a comedy for us! Plan B involved the Hell's Kitchen Flea Market, sweet and salty at Amy's Bread, brief detour at the new abode and then gawking at David Blaine in the bubble (photos forthcoming). For some reason I love a spectacle, and moreso a spectacle that manages somehow miraculously to soothe.
Walked too much and walked then to the Amish Market which is not an Amish Market at all. There are indeed Amish goodies there but also a plethora of fancy foods, a mere three blocks from the new abode! I meant only to buy vegetables but left with other things I needn't ever eat.
Did more projects prior to attending D's friend's birthday party in Guam... er... Brooklyn. Sat on the roof and shivered. Devoured delicious vegetarian sandwiches and salads. Nursed a deadly daquiri and was eventually defeated by a fly's being stuck within. "Waiter, there's a fly stuck in my daquiri." Stared at a cute kit. "This cat is thin!" I said. What a stupid thing to say.
Home early yet again to sleep in preparation for D's race.
Talked to LBF and can't wait to see her. I canNOT wait. I cannot!
D won the biathlon! HE WON!!! My boy has no confidence regarding things about which he should have confidence. He has blind faith in the intentions of others, but none in his own abilities. So endearing. I smothered him with proud kisses as soon as I could. He said he thought of me for the entire race, saying he wanted to make his girl proud. I said I was proud no matter what. I'm proud that he rides a bike at all, dear god. I'm proud of his dedication to and enthusiasm for things. I'm proud of him for wearing his cute superhero bike outfit. I'm proud of him for getting up at 6 am. I'm proud to know him, proud to be with him, proud to be the person who makes him happy.
We went for lunch to celebrate. His suggestion that he start competing nationally and assertion that I will come to support him! promptly resulted in my having a meltdown about finances. "We can't live like this," I said. "We need a budget." "We need to prioritize." "We have spent an absurd amount of money this past month and we cannot get it back." He said "We will save it." I said "We will not, because we live in New York City. You can't save money here." We decided on no more eating out and no more popcorn at movies and fewer movies anyway and will make a list of possible vacation destinations because I really need a vacation. And a keyboard. And a filter for my lens. And lens cleaner. And more photo albums. And an alarm clock. And new sheets. And a coffee table. And a flash. And an external hard drive.
We stopped by to see David Blaine again.
We walked too much and didn't get curtains or sheets.
D napped while I did a long-overdue categorization of thousands of photos.
We interrupted eating and more eating with projects around the house. We hooked up the stereo in its final home. We stared at the walls and didn't hang anything up. We forgot to eat the corn. We watched Mrs. Henderson Presents and I gushed over Dame Judy. We are in desperate need of a vacation.
D is going on vacation this week. Work for him is not as much of an issue, nor is money, so he's off to sleep and swim and read and watch movies and mow lawns.
This means, for yours truly, that I will not be forced to do projects round-the-house for five whole days! Luxury. I am going to sleep and read and watch movies and sleep in the middle of the bed. This will be a good week.
I'm a bit burnt from the weekend. Not sure why - I got plenty of sleep and plenty of time to indulge in mundane projects around the home. I've been feeling fuzzy-headed and faint as of late, which can be confused with being tired. And the headaches - oh my. I guess lots o' drugs can make you feel cloudy.
Nevertheless, the weekend was full.
A summary:
Lamest party ever to celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Friday night. I resent wealth that is not earned. I loathe former prep-school douchebags who drop hedgefund terminology to seem relevant. I hate giant flat screen TVs in kitchens. I hate feeling awkward around mariachi bands. I hate models. I hate dogs in pocketbooks. I hate entitlement.
Got home early in order to sleep. Didn't catch up on Netflix because School of Rock was on and I'd never seen it. Did projects.
Had breakfast with a coworker and her sons before they took our shelves away from us - thank you thank you THANK YOU. Her 13-year-old was eager to impress. I told him that I liked his shaggy hair and he was sold. He dropped comics knowledge and smiled so hard it made me want to cry when he found out that I too like The Beastie Boys. I forced Watchmen upon him and know that it will blow his mind. He wants to see X-Men 3 with us.
Met up with PW and The New Boy for a Tribeca Film Fest film that was sold out. No David Duchovny in a comedy for us! Plan B involved the Hell's Kitchen Flea Market, sweet and salty at Amy's Bread, brief detour at the new abode and then gawking at David Blaine in the bubble (photos forthcoming). For some reason I love a spectacle, and moreso a spectacle that manages somehow miraculously to soothe.
Walked too much and walked then to the Amish Market which is not an Amish Market at all. There are indeed Amish goodies there but also a plethora of fancy foods, a mere three blocks from the new abode! I meant only to buy vegetables but left with other things I needn't ever eat.
Did more projects prior to attending D's friend's birthday party in Guam... er... Brooklyn. Sat on the roof and shivered. Devoured delicious vegetarian sandwiches and salads. Nursed a deadly daquiri and was eventually defeated by a fly's being stuck within. "Waiter, there's a fly stuck in my daquiri." Stared at a cute kit. "This cat is thin!" I said. What a stupid thing to say.
Home early yet again to sleep in preparation for D's race.
Talked to LBF and can't wait to see her. I canNOT wait. I cannot!
D won the biathlon! HE WON!!! My boy has no confidence regarding things about which he should have confidence. He has blind faith in the intentions of others, but none in his own abilities. So endearing. I smothered him with proud kisses as soon as I could. He said he thought of me for the entire race, saying he wanted to make his girl proud. I said I was proud no matter what. I'm proud that he rides a bike at all, dear god. I'm proud of his dedication to and enthusiasm for things. I'm proud of him for wearing his cute superhero bike outfit. I'm proud of him for getting up at 6 am. I'm proud to know him, proud to be with him, proud to be the person who makes him happy.
We went for lunch to celebrate. His suggestion that he start competing nationally and assertion that I will come to support him! promptly resulted in my having a meltdown about finances. "We can't live like this," I said. "We need a budget." "We need to prioritize." "We have spent an absurd amount of money this past month and we cannot get it back." He said "We will save it." I said "We will not, because we live in New York City. You can't save money here." We decided on no more eating out and no more popcorn at movies and fewer movies anyway and will make a list of possible vacation destinations because I really need a vacation. And a keyboard. And a filter for my lens. And lens cleaner. And more photo albums. And an alarm clock. And new sheets. And a coffee table. And a flash. And an external hard drive.
We stopped by to see David Blaine again.
We walked too much and didn't get curtains or sheets.
D napped while I did a long-overdue categorization of thousands of photos.
We interrupted eating and more eating with projects around the house. We hooked up the stereo in its final home. We stared at the walls and didn't hang anything up. We forgot to eat the corn. We watched Mrs. Henderson Presents and I gushed over Dame Judy. We are in desperate need of a vacation.
D is going on vacation this week. Work for him is not as much of an issue, nor is money, so he's off to sleep and swim and read and watch movies and mow lawns.
This means, for yours truly, that I will not be forced to do projects round-the-house for five whole days! Luxury. I am going to sleep and read and watch movies and sleep in the middle of the bed. This will be a good week.
Friday, May 05, 2006
It Was Impossible For Me To... (aka Not So-lame)
... rent my apartment (although still up in the air will this ever end!? and why do I have to pay all of May even though someone will be living there?), get my eyeglasses refund, get my tax refund, and get Radiohead tickets in the same week.
I swear the tickets sold out in approximately one second.
I'd hatched an elaborate scheme in which D and I would both attempt to get tickets by computer, work phone, and cell phone (in my case) at exactly 10:00 am. "Make sure you are at your desk at 10! Call if you get the tickets."
D kept saying "I really don't think it's going to sell out..."
"Look, it is going to sell out. It will sell out in five minutes."
"No, it won't. I don't think anyone knows about this."
"Everyone knows about this! It's all over every blog out there!"
I finally conceded and said that the 5-prong approach to getting tickets was of use because we would be assured actual seats and not have to stand. D was sold.
But it didn't matter, because there were no tickets remaining at 10:01.
I am sad, but things are otherwise acceptable. The weather is nice, it is the weekend, experiments are working, I am going to go to bed early tonight...
And D and I went to The Cirque last night in a rare example of my weilding my girlfriendly powers of coercion.
Half way through the first act, D leaned over and whispered "This is fucking rad!" and I thought "Oh how I love this boy."
We took the ferry to and from the Cirque, and ooh-ed and aah-ed over the skyline.
I do appreciate the wonders of digital photography and the fact that everyone can develop their photographic skills, but dear god must people ruin everything with their cameras? The dark ferry ride back to 34th Street was tained by every third person with his or her digital camera popping flashes every two seconds. I wanted to kill everyone.
I am looking forward to the weekend, although not to tonight when I succomb to the boyfriendly powers of coercion and attend a Cinco de Mayo party (and yes, I have had the Liz Phair song in my head all day and it will not go away!) that I have no desire to go to. I had no desire to go even before I learned that VB will be in attendance. Tomorrow will be unpacking and breakfast and a free movie and another party I'm not terribly excited about but I have duties to perform. Hopefully there will be time for the flea market and a moment to gawk at David Blaine in the bubble. Sunday will be sleeping in (!) and then nothing in particular other than possibly performing more girlfriendly duties that involve an hour plus train ride to NJ to meet a friend who is an email-once-a-month friend to whom he is not close but "I want you to meet her!" so I guess I have to. Maybe a movie. Maybe laundry. Maybe a doughnut. Maybe groceries. Ah, groceries, it's been too long.
Until Monday...
I swear the tickets sold out in approximately one second.
I'd hatched an elaborate scheme in which D and I would both attempt to get tickets by computer, work phone, and cell phone (in my case) at exactly 10:00 am. "Make sure you are at your desk at 10! Call if you get the tickets."
D kept saying "I really don't think it's going to sell out..."
"Look, it is going to sell out. It will sell out in five minutes."
"No, it won't. I don't think anyone knows about this."
"Everyone knows about this! It's all over every blog out there!"
I finally conceded and said that the 5-prong approach to getting tickets was of use because we would be assured actual seats and not have to stand. D was sold.
But it didn't matter, because there were no tickets remaining at 10:01.
I am sad, but things are otherwise acceptable. The weather is nice, it is the weekend, experiments are working, I am going to go to bed early tonight...
And D and I went to The Cirque last night in a rare example of my weilding my girlfriendly powers of coercion.
Half way through the first act, D leaned over and whispered "This is fucking rad!" and I thought "Oh how I love this boy."
We took the ferry to and from the Cirque, and ooh-ed and aah-ed over the skyline.
I do appreciate the wonders of digital photography and the fact that everyone can develop their photographic skills, but dear god must people ruin everything with their cameras? The dark ferry ride back to 34th Street was tained by every third person with his or her digital camera popping flashes every two seconds. I wanted to kill everyone.
I am looking forward to the weekend, although not to tonight when I succomb to the boyfriendly powers of coercion and attend a Cinco de Mayo party (and yes, I have had the Liz Phair song in my head all day and it will not go away!) that I have no desire to go to. I had no desire to go even before I learned that VB will be in attendance. Tomorrow will be unpacking and breakfast and a free movie and another party I'm not terribly excited about but I have duties to perform. Hopefully there will be time for the flea market and a moment to gawk at David Blaine in the bubble. Sunday will be sleeping in (!) and then nothing in particular other than possibly performing more girlfriendly duties that involve an hour plus train ride to NJ to meet a friend who is an email-once-a-month friend to whom he is not close but "I want you to meet her!" so I guess I have to. Maybe a movie. Maybe laundry. Maybe a doughnut. Maybe groceries. Ah, groceries, it's been too long.
Until Monday...
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Impossible
I had a change of heart last week and decided that I wasn't jealous that D gets to go to the Mission Impossible 3 premier because I was, in all honesty, thrilled by the idea of being in my apartment alone! All by myself! With spare hours to clean the bathroom and find receipts and go through photos and organize books and watch my very own DVDs by myself! Yeah!!!
I have very much been looking forward to a night alone, a night on which I will be able to go to bed at 10 pm after sitting in bed eating cookies and watching Breakfast On Pluto, which has been sitting, unopened, in its red Netflix envelope for a week.
Oh yes, the idea of going to be early has sustained me today, as I go through the day in delirium interrupted only by the occasional energy brought upon by trying to conjure up a phone call from The Management or The Potential Tenant.
D sent me an email this afternoon indicating that he may not be going to the premier, because it starts later than he thought - in that, he is supposed to meet his friend at 6:00 but the movie doesn't start until 9:30 and this is not something he is terribly interested in.
I tried to convince him that this was interesting! A great opportunity! Tom Cruise! With bangs! What fun! And the movie will be free! Yes! YAY! Rah!
I then convinced myself that it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't go, because we could, together, get the apartment a bit in order after last night's book/CD explosion and then we could watch separate movies and be alone but together.
He appeared a few moments ago and said "Well, we're going to head up there and see what's going on and if its at 9:30 we're going to bail and hang out... we'll probably just come back to the apartment and just chill out and listen to music or something."
OH NO YOU WILL NOT!
I didn't say that, of course, because the first time these sorts of things happen you don't really know what to say because you hadn't realized that these sorts of things could become issues.
I said "Oh... ok... well... you know... I am going to be early. Like really. early. And if you're going to hang out at the apartment... can you just call me so I'm not, like, in my pajamas or something? Yeah... can you just call me?" instead of saying "Could you guys maybe go out for a drink? I'd really like to be alone. And unconscious as soon as possible."
Ugh. Hopefully he'll call either way at which time I can say "Hey - why don't you two go grab a drink somewhere not in the apartment?"
Yeah. I'll totally say that. Right. Wish me luck.
I have very much been looking forward to a night alone, a night on which I will be able to go to bed at 10 pm after sitting in bed eating cookies and watching Breakfast On Pluto, which has been sitting, unopened, in its red Netflix envelope for a week.
Oh yes, the idea of going to be early has sustained me today, as I go through the day in delirium interrupted only by the occasional energy brought upon by trying to conjure up a phone call from The Management or The Potential Tenant.
D sent me an email this afternoon indicating that he may not be going to the premier, because it starts later than he thought - in that, he is supposed to meet his friend at 6:00 but the movie doesn't start until 9:30 and this is not something he is terribly interested in.
I tried to convince him that this was interesting! A great opportunity! Tom Cruise! With bangs! What fun! And the movie will be free! Yes! YAY! Rah!
I then convinced myself that it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't go, because we could, together, get the apartment a bit in order after last night's book/CD explosion and then we could watch separate movies and be alone but together.
He appeared a few moments ago and said "Well, we're going to head up there and see what's going on and if its at 9:30 we're going to bail and hang out... we'll probably just come back to the apartment and just chill out and listen to music or something."
OH NO YOU WILL NOT!
I didn't say that, of course, because the first time these sorts of things happen you don't really know what to say because you hadn't realized that these sorts of things could become issues.
I said "Oh... ok... well... you know... I am going to be early. Like really. early. And if you're going to hang out at the apartment... can you just call me so I'm not, like, in my pajamas or something? Yeah... can you just call me?" instead of saying "Could you guys maybe go out for a drink? I'd really like to be alone. And unconscious as soon as possible."
Ugh. Hopefully he'll call either way at which time I can say "Hey - why don't you two go grab a drink somewhere not in the apartment?"
Yeah. I'll totally say that. Right. Wish me luck.
Suspense
OH MY GOD why can't anyone just PLEASE call me to tell me what is going on with the apartment!??! WHY WHY WHY!?!?
D said that nobody is calling because they are all busy signing leases and having copies of keys made, etc.
I hope this is the case.
The management gushed today when I called to see if they talked to Potential Tenant. They adored him. They were anxiously awaiting the arrival of his credit report and would call me as soon as they knew anything.
The Potential Tenant said that he was on "pins and needles" waiting for any news... he asked that I think positively and told me he'd get back to me as soon as he knew anything.
I have no reason to think positively about this. Nothing positive has happened yet. Tenants have been denied, people have lied, doors have been broken by realtors, people don't call me back, there is really no reason to think positively.
Why oh why will they not just call me?
I can't take it.
I warned D that there may be tears if this doesn't work out.
I am so very tired.
D said that nobody is calling because they are all busy signing leases and having copies of keys made, etc.
I hope this is the case.
The management gushed today when I called to see if they talked to Potential Tenant. They adored him. They were anxiously awaiting the arrival of his credit report and would call me as soon as they knew anything.
The Potential Tenant said that he was on "pins and needles" waiting for any news... he asked that I think positively and told me he'd get back to me as soon as he knew anything.
I have no reason to think positively about this. Nothing positive has happened yet. Tenants have been denied, people have lied, doors have been broken by realtors, people don't call me back, there is really no reason to think positively.
Why oh why will they not just call me?
I can't take it.
I warned D that there may be tears if this doesn't work out.
I am so very tired.
Senile
Speaking of being senile, en route to work this morning whilst alternatingly daydreaming about Ethan Hawke (somehow encountering my blog and listening to the song I wrote about him and contacting me and then becoming my dear dear friend) and fantasizing about my stupid old apartment being rented, I managed to completely walk by the subway.
I walked two entire long blocks extra across this beloved island before realizing I'd gone completely out of my way.
Sleep - I miss you ever so.
I walked two entire long blocks extra across this beloved island before realizing I'd gone completely out of my way.
Sleep - I miss you ever so.
Geography
National Geographic came out with a survey about the world and American kids aged 18 - 24 performed poorly.
I took the questionnaire, and everything was fine, but it is occurring to me that I know absolutely nothing about geography. Nothing! I don't know where anything is. If I am looking at a map I can pick things out, but if I try to imagine in my head which country El Salvador is I have absolutely no idea. I might know where it is in relationship to other countries, maybe, but unto itself? No clue.
I have never been good at geography. And since I am getting dumber with time and have Alzheimer's and can't remember anything I read or see and can't even remember what entire books or movies were about (for example, the other day I had to ask D what 2046 was about because yes, I saw it, but I can't remember anything about it), things are getting much worse.
I hate that my mind is going. I used to be smart. I was a smart kid. I was smart in college. As soon as I hit the real world, the dumbing began. I instantly forgot everything I had learned. I can't remember song lyrics. I can't remember where restaurants are. I can't remember what happened in the news a week ago. I can't remember what I read three seconds after reading it. I can't remember entire books. I will remember if I liked them or not, but can I quote from a movie? Absolutely not. I can't remember what normality is. I surely can't remember how to calculate it. I can't remember neuroscience. I can't remember who directed what movie. I'm not even good at the Kevin Bacon game anymore. I can't remember what words mean. I used to be complimented on my vast vocabulary. Now I have to ask D what he's talking about because I'm not sure what his words mean.
I have, however, evolved an uncanny ability to remember what people say. I can also remember movie times and dates, but only dates in the future. If I know something is happening in the future on a particular date, awesome. If it already happened? It's as though it never happened at all.
I don't know if this is because I am getting older or because I can't focus as much as I used to or because there is just too much information in my brain or, most likely, because I am not sleeping enough and am in a daze a majority of the time. Or maybe things are spread too thin. I think this is it. I think there is so much going on in the world, so much stimulus, that I don't concentrate on any one thing and therefore don't commit anything at all to memory and therefore can't incorporate anything that happened or was learned into my neurons.
Sometimes I actually worry that there is something wrong with my brain.
Mostly I'm just embarrassed and keep quiet and don't participate in conversations that involve trivia or politics or news.
I'm a sham.
I'm a scam.
I have everyone fooled, and I'd be lying if I said that I don't worry that someday D will find out. There will come a day when our child is doing homework and asks me to point out Azerbaijan and I will have no idea, and D will walk out immediately. He will be disappointed. He will feel fooled.
I've become more conceptual with time. I definitely want to make crafts instead of learning about my field. I want to sit on the grass reading fiction instead of reading nonfiction, which I will forget instantly. I want snippets instead of depth. I'd rather talk to a friend for two hours than read The New York Times. Not that I ever read The Times, but people do, and I feel stupid for not reading it.
I have no idea what's going on in the world. I've been so out of touch since the move. It is atrocious how unconnected I am right now.
I've been staring at maps all day, trying to remember where things are. I am wondering why so many mountain ranges begin with "A." Is this on purpose? I am trying to memorize things I will have forgotten by tonight.
Ugh.
Terrible, terrible, terrible.
More later.
I took the questionnaire, and everything was fine, but it is occurring to me that I know absolutely nothing about geography. Nothing! I don't know where anything is. If I am looking at a map I can pick things out, but if I try to imagine in my head which country El Salvador is I have absolutely no idea. I might know where it is in relationship to other countries, maybe, but unto itself? No clue.
I have never been good at geography. And since I am getting dumber with time and have Alzheimer's and can't remember anything I read or see and can't even remember what entire books or movies were about (for example, the other day I had to ask D what 2046 was about because yes, I saw it, but I can't remember anything about it), things are getting much worse.
I hate that my mind is going. I used to be smart. I was a smart kid. I was smart in college. As soon as I hit the real world, the dumbing began. I instantly forgot everything I had learned. I can't remember song lyrics. I can't remember where restaurants are. I can't remember what happened in the news a week ago. I can't remember what I read three seconds after reading it. I can't remember entire books. I will remember if I liked them or not, but can I quote from a movie? Absolutely not. I can't remember what normality is. I surely can't remember how to calculate it. I can't remember neuroscience. I can't remember who directed what movie. I'm not even good at the Kevin Bacon game anymore. I can't remember what words mean. I used to be complimented on my vast vocabulary. Now I have to ask D what he's talking about because I'm not sure what his words mean.
I have, however, evolved an uncanny ability to remember what people say. I can also remember movie times and dates, but only dates in the future. If I know something is happening in the future on a particular date, awesome. If it already happened? It's as though it never happened at all.
I don't know if this is because I am getting older or because I can't focus as much as I used to or because there is just too much information in my brain or, most likely, because I am not sleeping enough and am in a daze a majority of the time. Or maybe things are spread too thin. I think this is it. I think there is so much going on in the world, so much stimulus, that I don't concentrate on any one thing and therefore don't commit anything at all to memory and therefore can't incorporate anything that happened or was learned into my neurons.
Sometimes I actually worry that there is something wrong with my brain.
Mostly I'm just embarrassed and keep quiet and don't participate in conversations that involve trivia or politics or news.
I'm a sham.
I'm a scam.
I have everyone fooled, and I'd be lying if I said that I don't worry that someday D will find out. There will come a day when our child is doing homework and asks me to point out Azerbaijan and I will have no idea, and D will walk out immediately. He will be disappointed. He will feel fooled.
I've become more conceptual with time. I definitely want to make crafts instead of learning about my field. I want to sit on the grass reading fiction instead of reading nonfiction, which I will forget instantly. I want snippets instead of depth. I'd rather talk to a friend for two hours than read The New York Times. Not that I ever read The Times, but people do, and I feel stupid for not reading it.
I have no idea what's going on in the world. I've been so out of touch since the move. It is atrocious how unconnected I am right now.
I've been staring at maps all day, trying to remember where things are. I am wondering why so many mountain ranges begin with "A." Is this on purpose? I am trying to memorize things I will have forgotten by tonight.
Ugh.
Terrible, terrible, terrible.
More later.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Showtime, Synergy
Instead of showing the accursed apartment last night, I opted to take a break and dine with my friend J.
When J and I get together, we eat too much and drink even more. We split a bottle and salad and cheese plate and bread pudding. We devoured baguette. I accidentally ate meat because there was meat in one of the breads in the bread basket, but did I care? No, because I was happy drunk.
Which resulted in my taking the wrong train home. I wasn't thinking. I was on auto pilot, and therefore heading, apparently, to my old apartment.
I realized as soon as I got on the train that I was on the wrong train. It's not that I was on the wrong train - I was just on an express train that wouldn't stop at the closest stop to my apartment.
I got off at the stop nearest to my apartment and exited on the northwest side of the street, and then proceeded to walk south... to MY OLD APARTMENT.
It took me two blocks to realize that I was going the wrong way.
As soon as I realized what I was doing, I smiled and basically started running home because I thought "Wait! Yay! I live with D! And D is there, at my apartment, waiting for me! I can see him very soon!"
I literally ran.
And when I walked in, I fell all over him and smiled and thought "This is how it will be once my life is back to normal and I don't have to be a realtor by night."
Scientist by day, rock star... er... realtor by night. Heh.
When J and I get together, we eat too much and drink even more. We split a bottle and salad and cheese plate and bread pudding. We devoured baguette. I accidentally ate meat because there was meat in one of the breads in the bread basket, but did I care? No, because I was happy drunk.
Which resulted in my taking the wrong train home. I wasn't thinking. I was on auto pilot, and therefore heading, apparently, to my old apartment.
I realized as soon as I got on the train that I was on the wrong train. It's not that I was on the wrong train - I was just on an express train that wouldn't stop at the closest stop to my apartment.
I got off at the stop nearest to my apartment and exited on the northwest side of the street, and then proceeded to walk south... to MY OLD APARTMENT.
It took me two blocks to realize that I was going the wrong way.
As soon as I realized what I was doing, I smiled and basically started running home because I thought "Wait! Yay! I live with D! And D is there, at my apartment, waiting for me! I can see him very soon!"
I literally ran.
And when I walked in, I fell all over him and smiled and thought "This is how it will be once my life is back to normal and I don't have to be a realtor by night."
Scientist by day, rock star... er... realtor by night. Heh.
Please
Is it asking too much of the gods-of-things-actually-working-out-and-not-being-a-total-pain that both the shelves and CD cabinet be delivered as scheduled and that my apartment be rented all in the same day?!
Oh please, please, please make this the best day ever. Please.
A hyper-enthusiastic guy sent me not one but three emails last night, begging me to show him the apartment. When I got off the phone with him after a 20 minute conversation, I said "That was the guy who is going to live in my old apartment. I just know it." I begged D to show it to him at 8:00 am today. I said "This guy is overeager. He wants the apartment this minute. If we show it to him first thing in the morning, he will get the ball rolling immediately and will be living there by the end of tomorrow. I just know it. This guy is motivated. He has follow-through ability."
"What about that other girl?"
"Screw that other girl! She didn't follow through! She's irresponsible. I can tell these things about people! She is not going to get her ass in gear to apply for the apartment. This is the guy."
D, bless him, agreed to show the apartment.
I said "Look, I know it's early in the morning, but I swear this guy is going to take it. He is going to be there at 8:00, but I have a feeling he's actually going to show up at 7:20. I can just tell."
At 7:30 this morning D's phone rang, and it was the guy, saying that he was already at the apartment.
I knew it!
D claimed that the guy wanted the apartment and that he was headed directly over to the management post-viewing.
I called the guy at around noon. He was amidst trying desperately to get all of his paperwork in order - proof of employment, W-2's, all the nonsense required to live in New York City. He said that if they gave him the apartment, that he would take it.
He also said that he was going to try to talk them down on the rent and that he was still going to look at a few more places this afternoon and that he would call me when he knew what was going on.
He hasn't called.
I am freaking out.
What if they were distressed by his trying to talk them down on the rent and they are not giving him the apartment just to spite him?
What if he found a better apartment?
What if he was run over by a bus on the way to the office?
WHY ISN'T HE CALLING ME!?!??!?
I hate dealing with strangers. Seriously. I finally had a good feeling about someone and now this! How can I trust anyone? How can I trust what people tell me? So many people have claimed to be "definitely taking the apartment" and still nobody has!
Please please please let this guy take the apartment so that this nonsense can be over.
Update:
The shelves and cabinets have arrived, which means that the apartment will not be rented. I figured, at best, we'd get 2 out of 3. Ugh.
Oh please, please, please make this the best day ever. Please.
A hyper-enthusiastic guy sent me not one but three emails last night, begging me to show him the apartment. When I got off the phone with him after a 20 minute conversation, I said "That was the guy who is going to live in my old apartment. I just know it." I begged D to show it to him at 8:00 am today. I said "This guy is overeager. He wants the apartment this minute. If we show it to him first thing in the morning, he will get the ball rolling immediately and will be living there by the end of tomorrow. I just know it. This guy is motivated. He has follow-through ability."
"What about that other girl?"
"Screw that other girl! She didn't follow through! She's irresponsible. I can tell these things about people! She is not going to get her ass in gear to apply for the apartment. This is the guy."
D, bless him, agreed to show the apartment.
I said "Look, I know it's early in the morning, but I swear this guy is going to take it. He is going to be there at 8:00, but I have a feeling he's actually going to show up at 7:20. I can just tell."
At 7:30 this morning D's phone rang, and it was the guy, saying that he was already at the apartment.
I knew it!
D claimed that the guy wanted the apartment and that he was headed directly over to the management post-viewing.
I called the guy at around noon. He was amidst trying desperately to get all of his paperwork in order - proof of employment, W-2's, all the nonsense required to live in New York City. He said that if they gave him the apartment, that he would take it.
He also said that he was going to try to talk them down on the rent and that he was still going to look at a few more places this afternoon and that he would call me when he knew what was going on.
He hasn't called.
I am freaking out.
What if they were distressed by his trying to talk them down on the rent and they are not giving him the apartment just to spite him?
What if he found a better apartment?
What if he was run over by a bus on the way to the office?
WHY ISN'T HE CALLING ME!?!??!?
I hate dealing with strangers. Seriously. I finally had a good feeling about someone and now this! How can I trust anyone? How can I trust what people tell me? So many people have claimed to be "definitely taking the apartment" and still nobody has!
Please please please let this guy take the apartment so that this nonsense can be over.
Update:
The shelves and cabinets have arrived, which means that the apartment will not be rented. I figured, at best, we'd get 2 out of 3. Ugh.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Living
Genre: Emo
Date: 4.21.06
Description:
"Music is fiction."
Right.
Living together is a big transition.
It's been good. It just wasn't for a moment, and MG didn't answer the phone because she was at a diner, so during that moment I wrote this song, while he ran and showered and existed without realizing that I was freaking out and missing him even though he was physically closer than ever. So the song, of course, is fictitious, but inspired by true events.
It's mostly inspired by (and is a homage to) the Liz Phair song "Go On Ahead" from Whitechocolatespaceegg, which is one of the best songs ever written, in my humble and currently drunken opinion, and has been going through my head non-stop since the cohabitation began, not because it's accurate, but because it's good and is relevant without actually being relevant.
This song, however, is not good. I wrote and recorded it in about 30 minutes, while realizing that it's hard to write and record songs when you have a roommate who might care about the songs' content.
I'm not going to write anymore because I feel like I am going to slur my typing too so here you go.
Lyrics:
It wasn't in order to get less of you
It wasn't in order to make less of us
Not to be business partners
Not to stop drowning in duplicates
Not to self destruct
It wasn't in order to feel alone
It wasn't in order to be on my own
Not to have the most sparkly
Windows on the island
Not to write sad songs
Not to go to sleep without saying goodnight
Not to not go to sleep at all
Not to wish for information
Or smiles and kisses
Not for convenience
It's for you
To be nearer to you
It's to be nearer to you
Date: 4.21.06
Description:
"Music is fiction."
Right.
Living together is a big transition.
It's been good. It just wasn't for a moment, and MG didn't answer the phone because she was at a diner, so during that moment I wrote this song, while he ran and showered and existed without realizing that I was freaking out and missing him even though he was physically closer than ever. So the song, of course, is fictitious, but inspired by true events.
It's mostly inspired by (and is a homage to) the Liz Phair song "Go On Ahead" from Whitechocolatespaceegg, which is one of the best songs ever written, in my humble and currently drunken opinion, and has been going through my head non-stop since the cohabitation began, not because it's accurate, but because it's good and is relevant without actually being relevant.
This song, however, is not good. I wrote and recorded it in about 30 minutes, while realizing that it's hard to write and record songs when you have a roommate who might care about the songs' content.
I'm not going to write anymore because I feel like I am going to slur my typing too so here you go.
Lyrics:
It wasn't in order to get less of you
It wasn't in order to make less of us
Not to be business partners
Not to stop drowning in duplicates
Not to self destruct
It wasn't in order to feel alone
It wasn't in order to be on my own
Not to have the most sparkly
Windows on the island
Not to write sad songs
Not to go to sleep without saying goodnight
Not to not go to sleep at all
Not to wish for information
Or smiles and kisses
Not for convenience
It's for you
To be nearer to you
It's to be nearer to you
Not Crying At Work
I am in a much better mood today.
Things that improve moods include:
1. Friends who answer the phone when you really need them to
2. Talking
3. Remembering that people are not psychic
4. Talking more
5. Being nice to each other
6. Sharing burdens
7. Enthusiastic people in your old apartment
8. People being nice about your old apartment
9. Meeting cool people in your old apartment
10. Meeting cool people while accompanied by your boyfriend in your old apartment
11. Getting New York history lessons in your old apartment
12. People following through on your old apartment (although this is merely a guess, as this has yet to happen despite being promised over and over again)
13. Superballs being located
14. Trees
15. Sun
16. Stars
17. More than 8 hours sleep
18. Perfectly scrambled eggs
19. Family
20. Getting out of the city
21. Exciting news
21. Doing laundry together
22. Not actually taking a nap
23. Experiments working when they really need to
24. Clive Owen
25. Not feeling alone
Things are better today because things aren't just mine anymore, which is one of the main points, right?
Until tomorrow...
Things that improve moods include:
1. Friends who answer the phone when you really need them to
2. Talking
3. Remembering that people are not psychic
4. Talking more
5. Being nice to each other
6. Sharing burdens
7. Enthusiastic people in your old apartment
8. People being nice about your old apartment
9. Meeting cool people in your old apartment
10. Meeting cool people while accompanied by your boyfriend in your old apartment
11. Getting New York history lessons in your old apartment
12. People following through on your old apartment (although this is merely a guess, as this has yet to happen despite being promised over and over again)
13. Superballs being located
14. Trees
15. Sun
16. Stars
17. More than 8 hours sleep
18. Perfectly scrambled eggs
19. Family
20. Getting out of the city
21. Exciting news
21. Doing laundry together
22. Not actually taking a nap
23. Experiments working when they really need to
24. Clive Owen
25. Not feeling alone
Things are better today because things aren't just mine anymore, which is one of the main points, right?
Until tomorrow...
Friday, April 28, 2006
Crying At Work
So the apartment has not been rented, which means at least a month of double rent for yours truly.
Which means no Europe for me.
My boyfriend, who has a ton of money saved for buying a home outright and a ton of worthful stock he's excited to sell and an apartment that he rented with zero effort because my friend gave him a tenant and who will be going to Europe not once but twice this year, just called to tell me that his friend invited him to the world-premiere red carpet showing of Mission Impossible: 3 at The Ziegfeld, which we have both been very excited about and talking about non-stop for months and now he is going to see it with Tom Cruise and Philip Seymoure-Hoffman.
I said "Of course you should go." What am I supposed to say? No? We were supposed to do that together? Don't hang out with Tom Cruise?
"Are you going to be jealous?"
"Yes."
"Did that girl rent the apartment?"
"No."
"What about the other guy? Did you hear from him?"
"Of course not."
"Well, I'm pretty psyched. I guess since Tom Cruise is going to be there so I can't bring a weapon."
Silence.
"What? Don't you get it?"
"I think I should get off the phone. I'm going to start crying if I don't."
So he said "Oh, OK, bye," and hung up.
I am crying at work. Like actual tears streaming down my face. No sobbing, so that's good. I have to meet up with a girl to whom I am selling D's silverware, and then I am going to get my hair cut and be expected to be pleasant and fun.
I hope I don't see him today. All of this stress I am experiencing is unfairly being deflected onto him, but I guess when you're in a relationship and the source of your stress is the fact that you moved in with someone who is not experiencing the same stress, you tend to get a little bitter. I guess I naively thought we would share this, but apparently we don't.
OK. Now I am about to sob.
I have to pull it together to explain how I want someone to fix this horrific haircut that D gave me.
Which means no Europe for me.
My boyfriend, who has a ton of money saved for buying a home outright and a ton of worthful stock he's excited to sell and an apartment that he rented with zero effort because my friend gave him a tenant and who will be going to Europe not once but twice this year, just called to tell me that his friend invited him to the world-premiere red carpet showing of Mission Impossible: 3 at The Ziegfeld, which we have both been very excited about and talking about non-stop for months and now he is going to see it with Tom Cruise and Philip Seymoure-Hoffman.
I said "Of course you should go." What am I supposed to say? No? We were supposed to do that together? Don't hang out with Tom Cruise?
"Are you going to be jealous?"
"Yes."
"Did that girl rent the apartment?"
"No."
"What about the other guy? Did you hear from him?"
"Of course not."
"Well, I'm pretty psyched. I guess since Tom Cruise is going to be there so I can't bring a weapon."
Silence.
"What? Don't you get it?"
"I think I should get off the phone. I'm going to start crying if I don't."
So he said "Oh, OK, bye," and hung up.
I am crying at work. Like actual tears streaming down my face. No sobbing, so that's good. I have to meet up with a girl to whom I am selling D's silverware, and then I am going to get my hair cut and be expected to be pleasant and fun.
I hope I don't see him today. All of this stress I am experiencing is unfairly being deflected onto him, but I guess when you're in a relationship and the source of your stress is the fact that you moved in with someone who is not experiencing the same stress, you tend to get a little bitter. I guess I naively thought we would share this, but apparently we don't.
OK. Now I am about to sob.
I have to pull it together to explain how I want someone to fix this horrific haircut that D gave me.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Windows
Would someone please tell my dear boyfriend that "dirty windows" is not listed among the reasons why my old apartment is not being rented?
The man is obsessed.
He offered this morning to conduct this evening's apartment viewing so that I could actually go straight home post-work for the first time ever in the new apartment. I'd planned on taking him up on his offer, until I ran into him at work, where he complained about his "stiff neck" and how "so tired" he is and how he wants to "sit in the hot tub tonight" because his neck "hurts so bad."
I feel bad for him and his stiff neck, and don't want him to have to be at the apartment. He should not have to sit at the apartment so that I can relax for one night since it is he who has a stiff neck.
I said "Look, no, don't worry about it. You don't need to be there. I'll go."
"No, I don't mind. Just give me your keys."
"Well, I mind. Your neck hurts. You're in a bad mood. You clearly don't want to do this tonight. You want to sit in the hot tub."
"No, I'll do it."
"Don't worry about it."
"Well, then, can I come and keep you company?"
Much more appealing, because then it wouldn't be complete torture for either of us.
I agreed to the keeping of company.
He called just now and said "I'm coming to get your keys."
"Why?"
"So I can meet people."
"But nobody will be there."
"Why not?"
"Because I told people to come at 6:00 because that's when I can be there."
"Oh, ok. Then I'll meet you up there?"
"Really, you don't have to come. It's ok."
"Well, I really want to clean the windows."
"No."
"I bet if you clean the windows people will rent it."
"No."
"No, I want to."
"Look, I'm not going to stop you, but every single person who has walked into that apartment has said 'This is the cleanest apartment I've ever seen' followed by 'Wow, the sunlight here is amazing.' I don't think city dust on the windows is the reason people aren't renting it."
"No, but it will make a difference."
"I don't think it will make the difference. Honestly, honey, I'm not sure most people are looking at the outsides of city windows. I know it's important to you but I think they probably know that the windows are going to be gross again in two weeks, especially living above the gas station that sometimes has explosions followed by immense clouds of chemical dust."
"I think it will get rented if I go up there with a towel..."
"No."
"But..."
"No."
"But..."
"No. It is the price and the location and the size and not the outside of the windows. I promise you. Nobody is going to pass up an apartment they actually like because of the windows. Please."
"OK. See you at home."
Am I wrong? Are people really concerned with this? Honestly, when I've seen apartments I've liked I have never noticed the status of the outsides of the windows. I've looked at the insides. I've made sure I can see out of them. I agree with him that a clean window really makes a big difference, but I don't think its a deal breaker, especially not in NYC.
Not to mention the fact that it is not my responsibility to maintain the outside of the building. Yes, if I lived there and I was driven mad by the insantly accumulating city residue on my windows (like D), sure, clean them. But after I've moved out? No.
If he wants to, he can do it, but I don't want to be there if he's doing it whilst in a vile mood.
Which reminds me... I have an apartment to show!
Until tomorrow...
The man is obsessed.
He offered this morning to conduct this evening's apartment viewing so that I could actually go straight home post-work for the first time ever in the new apartment. I'd planned on taking him up on his offer, until I ran into him at work, where he complained about his "stiff neck" and how "so tired" he is and how he wants to "sit in the hot tub tonight" because his neck "hurts so bad."
I feel bad for him and his stiff neck, and don't want him to have to be at the apartment. He should not have to sit at the apartment so that I can relax for one night since it is he who has a stiff neck.
I said "Look, no, don't worry about it. You don't need to be there. I'll go."
"No, I don't mind. Just give me your keys."
"Well, I mind. Your neck hurts. You're in a bad mood. You clearly don't want to do this tonight. You want to sit in the hot tub."
"No, I'll do it."
"Don't worry about it."
"Well, then, can I come and keep you company?"
Much more appealing, because then it wouldn't be complete torture for either of us.
I agreed to the keeping of company.
He called just now and said "I'm coming to get your keys."
"Why?"
"So I can meet people."
"But nobody will be there."
"Why not?"
"Because I told people to come at 6:00 because that's when I can be there."
"Oh, ok. Then I'll meet you up there?"
"Really, you don't have to come. It's ok."
"Well, I really want to clean the windows."
"No."
"I bet if you clean the windows people will rent it."
"No."
"No, I want to."
"Look, I'm not going to stop you, but every single person who has walked into that apartment has said 'This is the cleanest apartment I've ever seen' followed by 'Wow, the sunlight here is amazing.' I don't think city dust on the windows is the reason people aren't renting it."
"No, but it will make a difference."
"I don't think it will make the difference. Honestly, honey, I'm not sure most people are looking at the outsides of city windows. I know it's important to you but I think they probably know that the windows are going to be gross again in two weeks, especially living above the gas station that sometimes has explosions followed by immense clouds of chemical dust."
"I think it will get rented if I go up there with a towel..."
"No."
"But..."
"No."
"But..."
"No. It is the price and the location and the size and not the outside of the windows. I promise you. Nobody is going to pass up an apartment they actually like because of the windows. Please."
"OK. See you at home."
Am I wrong? Are people really concerned with this? Honestly, when I've seen apartments I've liked I have never noticed the status of the outsides of the windows. I've looked at the insides. I've made sure I can see out of them. I agree with him that a clean window really makes a big difference, but I don't think its a deal breaker, especially not in NYC.
Not to mention the fact that it is not my responsibility to maintain the outside of the building. Yes, if I lived there and I was driven mad by the insantly accumulating city residue on my windows (like D), sure, clean them. But after I've moved out? No.
If he wants to, he can do it, but I don't want to be there if he's doing it whilst in a vile mood.
Which reminds me... I have an apartment to show!
Until tomorrow...
Last Night
Two no-shows. Jerks.
And again, two really enthusiastic girls. As with the night before, one took all of the information and said "I am going to go there tomorrow to fill out an application! I WANT this apartment! It's perfect for me." I asked her to call me either way, even if she changed her mind, as I asked the girl the night before.
I've heard from neither of them. Of course.
I really can't take this anymore. I can't believe that my old apartment has become my entire life. I have spent more time in that apartment since I've moved out than I ever did when I lived there.
I hate people.
Except for the guys who bought my bookshelf last night.
And again, two really enthusiastic girls. As with the night before, one took all of the information and said "I am going to go there tomorrow to fill out an application! I WANT this apartment! It's perfect for me." I asked her to call me either way, even if she changed her mind, as I asked the girl the night before.
I've heard from neither of them. Of course.
I really can't take this anymore. I can't believe that my old apartment has become my entire life. I have spent more time in that apartment since I've moved out than I ever did when I lived there.
I hate people.
Except for the guys who bought my bookshelf last night.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Catching Up
OK. Getting caught up. Ugh. Work is still crazy, apartment is still unrented, life is still stressful but normalcy will return eventually.
Here are some things I meant to blog about but didn't because I have been too busy calling strangers and working like a maniac and, well, yeah. Breathe.
1. I saw Kinky Boots, which is a film in my favorite genre, that being feel-good but not-too-sappy wacky based-on-a-true-story British film with British or Scottish people doing weird things in a very cute way. I loved it, and it was just what my mood needed this weekend. Thanks, PW, for coming out in the rain and giving me a hug.
2. The Boss was mean to me and I was all upset, especially given the mood as of late. I know that he, too, is stressed. I vow if I ever am The Boss that I will not allow stress to trickle down. I wanted to cry, to look for a new job, to crawl into a hole. The following day he apologized and said it wasn't fair of him and that he is going through family drama and he took out his anger towards his brother on me. Oh, The Boss. He's a good guy. We all handle stress differently.
3. I started a new class last week. It was terrible. I knew too much. The teacher was also terrible. She sat down to teach and used notecards. If you have to use notecards to teach the class, you probably shouldn't be teaching the class.
4. I transferred into an entirely different class. When the TA (who looks just like young Cher) told us that the real teacher would be out sick and that we'd be having a substitute, I had a panic attack because I was nearly certain that the teacher from the previous class would be the sub. Luckily she was not, and intead we had this gigantic Austrian guy whose catch phrase was "as such."
5. When you are cohabitating you end up watching things that you wouldn't ordinarily watch. D was given a copy of MTV's Wonder Showzen on DVD for his birthday. It's ok. Funny at times. Mostly tasteless. In case you don't know what it is (neither D nor I had ever heard of it - I guess this is the sort of thing you know about if you have cable), it is basically Sesame Street for adults, and in incredibly bad taste with kids saying things that they don't understand. I guess its pretty funny. Anyway, one of the puppets (green) was distressed and was trying to convince another puppet to let her do something, so she was like "I will put on a puppet show to convince you!" So the green puppet put on a puppet show with mini puppet-versions of her and the other puppet. And then the mini puppet version of the green puppet put on a smaller puppet show of the same thing. And then the even smaller puppet put on yet another smaller puppet show of the same thing. It was so freaking funny.
6. The new stove sucks. Hard. D tried to make crepes and it was a disaster.
7. We tried to make potato pancakes last night and they too were a disaster.
8. Luckily the fried ravioli were good.
9. I have yet to locate a superball-selling machine in this city! Where are kids getting superballs!?
10. It's hard to write songs when you live with someone else. While D was running I wrote the song. When he went out to grab milk I quickly recorded it. While he was in the shower I did vocals. I haven't mixed it down yet, though. Hopefully I will have time to do that tonight after showing my apartment and selling bookshelves and watching The Gilmore Girls. I think D will be mortified that I watch that show, but he can deal.
11. It's also hard to call your girlfriends to flip out about living with someone when you live with someone.
12. I didn't sleep very much this weekend. I think things are settling in, and it's not that I'm distressed. I am just aware of the seriousness of such decisions and about the amount of effort that living together will require. I think living together requires a new level of dialogue that I am not immediately comfortable with. We have to find sweet ways of saying "I need to be alone now" and "I need you to be with me now while I cry."
13. I said both of those things this weekend. The first was remarkably easy to say. The second was extremely difficult.
14. I went grocery shopping this weekend with D for food for our apartment. Utterly insane.
15. The apartment is looking good. I am trying to decide if it's worth it to buy new bedding. We both went nuts about this set we saw in SoHo and we've been obsessed ever since. Do we need it? No. Do either of us have real grownup bedding? No. My sheets are lame, I am in no way attached to them. I bought them because they were purple and because they were cheap. My blankets are equally lame, and I've had them for even longer. His sheets used to be navy but are now faded. I think grownup bedding is a worthwhile investment, but every time we get tempted with such things I say "Hold off... we will wait for a time when someone will give them to us" and then we both giggle and freak out and then get excited. I think if I rent my apartment before 5/1 I will buy them for us, because new fancy luscious sheets are a good investment and it will be something for us, which I think is important. When I said "I really think we should just get them" he said "So do I, but we're not leaving many things for people to give to us..."
16. I haven't talked to anyone in ages. I haven't even talked to my parents. I'm so cut off. I haven't read the news. I have no idea what's going on in the world outside of my two apartments and my bench. It's terrible.
17. I slept on the couch on Saturday night because I was sad.
18. I have to learn that informing someone of your sadness can actually make you happier.
19. At what point in a relationship will I be comfortable and not rendered incapacitated with insecurity when my boyfriend talks about some girl he met at a party who he talked to all night and who was so cool because she's an industrial designer and then looks up her line on the web and then says that he has invited us to visit her in Philadelphia because not only is she an industrial designer how awesome is that but she is also an artist and painter and we can see her studio? Luckily I knew of the line he was talking about and said "You will hate it" before he looked it up and realized that he hated it. And yes, he invited us to her studio but no, I do not want to go to her studio and be all third wheel while they talk art and while he hangs on her every word and brushstroke. I said "Actually, I'll just hang out with NR when we go to Philly since that's why we're going to Philly and you can be smitten on your own." Ouch. Bitchy. But moreso because of other things non-related to industrial designing girls. This is all but forgotten, but will be a sore subject when Philly happens.
20. Am feeling more positive today because the sun is shining and the boss has apologized and people were nice to my apartment last night and I don't care about girls in Philadelphia because I like living with D now and I think everything will be fine. Right. It will.
Here are some things I meant to blog about but didn't because I have been too busy calling strangers and working like a maniac and, well, yeah. Breathe.
1. I saw Kinky Boots, which is a film in my favorite genre, that being feel-good but not-too-sappy wacky based-on-a-true-story British film with British or Scottish people doing weird things in a very cute way. I loved it, and it was just what my mood needed this weekend. Thanks, PW, for coming out in the rain and giving me a hug.
2. The Boss was mean to me and I was all upset, especially given the mood as of late. I know that he, too, is stressed. I vow if I ever am The Boss that I will not allow stress to trickle down. I wanted to cry, to look for a new job, to crawl into a hole. The following day he apologized and said it wasn't fair of him and that he is going through family drama and he took out his anger towards his brother on me. Oh, The Boss. He's a good guy. We all handle stress differently.
3. I started a new class last week. It was terrible. I knew too much. The teacher was also terrible. She sat down to teach and used notecards. If you have to use notecards to teach the class, you probably shouldn't be teaching the class.
4. I transferred into an entirely different class. When the TA (who looks just like young Cher) told us that the real teacher would be out sick and that we'd be having a substitute, I had a panic attack because I was nearly certain that the teacher from the previous class would be the sub. Luckily she was not, and intead we had this gigantic Austrian guy whose catch phrase was "as such."
5. When you are cohabitating you end up watching things that you wouldn't ordinarily watch. D was given a copy of MTV's Wonder Showzen on DVD for his birthday. It's ok. Funny at times. Mostly tasteless. In case you don't know what it is (neither D nor I had ever heard of it - I guess this is the sort of thing you know about if you have cable), it is basically Sesame Street for adults, and in incredibly bad taste with kids saying things that they don't understand. I guess its pretty funny. Anyway, one of the puppets (green) was distressed and was trying to convince another puppet to let her do something, so she was like "I will put on a puppet show to convince you!" So the green puppet put on a puppet show with mini puppet-versions of her and the other puppet. And then the mini puppet version of the green puppet put on a smaller puppet show of the same thing. And then the even smaller puppet put on yet another smaller puppet show of the same thing. It was so freaking funny.
6. The new stove sucks. Hard. D tried to make crepes and it was a disaster.
7. We tried to make potato pancakes last night and they too were a disaster.
8. Luckily the fried ravioli were good.
9. I have yet to locate a superball-selling machine in this city! Where are kids getting superballs!?
10. It's hard to write songs when you live with someone else. While D was running I wrote the song. When he went out to grab milk I quickly recorded it. While he was in the shower I did vocals. I haven't mixed it down yet, though. Hopefully I will have time to do that tonight after showing my apartment and selling bookshelves and watching The Gilmore Girls. I think D will be mortified that I watch that show, but he can deal.
11. It's also hard to call your girlfriends to flip out about living with someone when you live with someone.
12. I didn't sleep very much this weekend. I think things are settling in, and it's not that I'm distressed. I am just aware of the seriousness of such decisions and about the amount of effort that living together will require. I think living together requires a new level of dialogue that I am not immediately comfortable with. We have to find sweet ways of saying "I need to be alone now" and "I need you to be with me now while I cry."
13. I said both of those things this weekend. The first was remarkably easy to say. The second was extremely difficult.
14. I went grocery shopping this weekend with D for food for our apartment. Utterly insane.
15. The apartment is looking good. I am trying to decide if it's worth it to buy new bedding. We both went nuts about this set we saw in SoHo and we've been obsessed ever since. Do we need it? No. Do either of us have real grownup bedding? No. My sheets are lame, I am in no way attached to them. I bought them because they were purple and because they were cheap. My blankets are equally lame, and I've had them for even longer. His sheets used to be navy but are now faded. I think grownup bedding is a worthwhile investment, but every time we get tempted with such things I say "Hold off... we will wait for a time when someone will give them to us" and then we both giggle and freak out and then get excited. I think if I rent my apartment before 5/1 I will buy them for us, because new fancy luscious sheets are a good investment and it will be something for us, which I think is important. When I said "I really think we should just get them" he said "So do I, but we're not leaving many things for people to give to us..."
16. I haven't talked to anyone in ages. I haven't even talked to my parents. I'm so cut off. I haven't read the news. I have no idea what's going on in the world outside of my two apartments and my bench. It's terrible.
17. I slept on the couch on Saturday night because I was sad.
18. I have to learn that informing someone of your sadness can actually make you happier.
19. At what point in a relationship will I be comfortable and not rendered incapacitated with insecurity when my boyfriend talks about some girl he met at a party who he talked to all night and who was so cool because she's an industrial designer and then looks up her line on the web and then says that he has invited us to visit her in Philadelphia because not only is she an industrial designer how awesome is that but she is also an artist and painter and we can see her studio? Luckily I knew of the line he was talking about and said "You will hate it" before he looked it up and realized that he hated it. And yes, he invited us to her studio but no, I do not want to go to her studio and be all third wheel while they talk art and while he hangs on her every word and brushstroke. I said "Actually, I'll just hang out with NR when we go to Philly since that's why we're going to Philly and you can be smitten on your own." Ouch. Bitchy. But moreso because of other things non-related to industrial designing girls. This is all but forgotten, but will be a sore subject when Philly happens.
20. Am feeling more positive today because the sun is shining and the boss has apologized and people were nice to my apartment last night and I don't care about girls in Philadelphia because I like living with D now and I think everything will be fine. Right. It will.
Craigslist People
I've met so many people in the past two weeks its absurd.
On top of meeting a bunch of people every day who do not want to live in my apartment, I've engaged in the "sell everything I own using Craigslist" portion of moving.
Not that I'm selling everything I own. I am selling things that are duplicates of D's things. Included: VCR, 5-disc CD changer, and ancient AIWA stereo from college with a non-functional CD player but decent enough speakers and double tape deck! Woop! I am also selling things that are no longer required, such as my adorable kitchen cart with drawers. Without items in the drawers, lovely. With Hershey Bars and Macaroni and Cheese rations, eye sore. I am trying to sell the wall mounting shelves that saved me in midtown. I am trying to sell the bookshelf I bought for $7 when I moved into my first ever apartment post-college.
D and I agreed that the kitchen cart would sell first and that the AIWA stereo wouldn't sell at all given its age and the fact that it is hideous to behold. D said "Please promise me that if nobody wants that in a week we will remove it from the household." "Well... I want to try to give it away for free before we do that... but yes... I understand, and yes, it will be removed."
We argued about the VCR. D wants me to convert all of my VHS tapes to DVD because "Who watches VHS tapes anymore? We don't need a VCR at all. Nobody uses VCR's. Who uses VCR's?" "I bet it will sell. I'm only selling it for $10." "But why would people be watching VHS?" "I don't know... old home movies, maybe they still tape things because not everyone can afford a TiVo, I don't know. It will sell."
The items were sold in this order:
Kitchen cart (stampede for this; sold to a frantic girl who had just moved into a new place and who was trying to buy D's IKEA dresser which was not for sale, sadly she did not want any electronics)
VCR (hah!; to an equally frantic girl who said "Mine just broke and I'm going away for a week and have to find one before I leave!")
AIWA Stereo (inconceivable!; sold to a DJ who has turntables but no money left, he will use it as a receiver since it is black and in his opinion decent looking and was thrilled about the tape deck because he will be able to tape his music; his friends gushed about our apartment and D and I were ever so proud)
Someone is coming to pick up the book shelf tonight, and hopefully the white sort-of-floating shelves. That leaves only the 5-disc changer, which I thought would sell rather quickly.
You can't predict these things. You can't predict what people will need.
I have no idea how we existed pre-Craig.
On top of meeting a bunch of people every day who do not want to live in my apartment, I've engaged in the "sell everything I own using Craigslist" portion of moving.
Not that I'm selling everything I own. I am selling things that are duplicates of D's things. Included: VCR, 5-disc CD changer, and ancient AIWA stereo from college with a non-functional CD player but decent enough speakers and double tape deck! Woop! I am also selling things that are no longer required, such as my adorable kitchen cart with drawers. Without items in the drawers, lovely. With Hershey Bars and Macaroni and Cheese rations, eye sore. I am trying to sell the wall mounting shelves that saved me in midtown. I am trying to sell the bookshelf I bought for $7 when I moved into my first ever apartment post-college.
D and I agreed that the kitchen cart would sell first and that the AIWA stereo wouldn't sell at all given its age and the fact that it is hideous to behold. D said "Please promise me that if nobody wants that in a week we will remove it from the household." "Well... I want to try to give it away for free before we do that... but yes... I understand, and yes, it will be removed."
We argued about the VCR. D wants me to convert all of my VHS tapes to DVD because "Who watches VHS tapes anymore? We don't need a VCR at all. Nobody uses VCR's. Who uses VCR's?" "I bet it will sell. I'm only selling it for $10." "But why would people be watching VHS?" "I don't know... old home movies, maybe they still tape things because not everyone can afford a TiVo, I don't know. It will sell."
The items were sold in this order:
Kitchen cart (stampede for this; sold to a frantic girl who had just moved into a new place and who was trying to buy D's IKEA dresser which was not for sale, sadly she did not want any electronics)
VCR (hah!; to an equally frantic girl who said "Mine just broke and I'm going away for a week and have to find one before I leave!")
AIWA Stereo (inconceivable!; sold to a DJ who has turntables but no money left, he will use it as a receiver since it is black and in his opinion decent looking and was thrilled about the tape deck because he will be able to tape his music; his friends gushed about our apartment and D and I were ever so proud)
Someone is coming to pick up the book shelf tonight, and hopefully the white sort-of-floating shelves. That leaves only the 5-disc changer, which I thought would sell rather quickly.
You can't predict these things. You can't predict what people will need.
I have no idea how we existed pre-Craig.
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